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Showing content with the highest reputation on 03/25/2020 in all areas

  1. I'm one of the lucky ones who can work remotely. Suspended office work 10 days ago. Apart from a few trips to the grocery and doctors, pretty well hunkered down. Hope all are well.
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  2. 25 Things I Learned From The Movies: 1. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. 2. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. 3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. 4. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. 5. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. 6. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness. 7. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. 8. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged. 9. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love. 10. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off. 11. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. 12. A cup of black coffee or a splash of cold water in the face is enough to render the most inebriated person stone cold sober. 13. If you try hard enough, you can outrun an explosion. 14. If you stick your head out of cover during a gun fight, it will never be hit, especially if you look backwards to hold a conversation with someone behind you. 15. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned partners who are their total opposite. 16. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. 17. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 18. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. 19. Computers never display a cursor on screen but always say: Enter Password Now. 20. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off — even while scuba diving. 21. All watches and clocks are synchronized to the second. 22. No matter how fuzzy the photograph, it can be enlarged and enhanced to show the finest detail. 23. Nearly everyone speaks English, no matter where they are from. Even aliens from outer space, despite the fact they have never been to Earth, seen an Earthling, or even heard of Earth or Earthlings. 24. No matter how catastrophic the disaster, pets will always survive it. 25. There will always be a doctor in a plane or building with the right medical supplies.
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  3. AN ORTHODOX RABBI: It was the Sabbath what was he going to do, drive there? THE POPE: The chicken was motivated to cross the road because he realized that only by doing so could he achieve Salvation. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. GEORGE H. W. BUSH: The chicken saw a thousand points of light and crossed the road. DAN QUAYLE: I had not heard the chicken crossed the roade. PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. RONALD REAGAN: I forget. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2011, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road . It transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? MICHAEL SCHUMACHER; it was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross
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  4. Hollywood Squares These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.. Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.. Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
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