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The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers: - Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One - Miners Refuse to Work after Death - Include Your Children when Baking Cookies - Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide - Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead - Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says - Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers - Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted - Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin case - Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents - Iraqi Head Seeks Arms - Prostitutes Appeal to Pope - Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over - British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands - Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms - Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe - Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told - Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant - War Dims Hope for Peace - Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures - Deer Kill 17,000 - Stolen Painting Found by Tree - Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy - Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire - Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood - Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half - New Vaccine May Contain Rabies - Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors - Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter - Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years - Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges - Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge - New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group - Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft - Kids Make Nutritious Snacks - Eye Drops Off Shelf - Teachers Strike Idle Kids - Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead - Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died

Youngsters aren't the only people who take out personal ads. Seniors do too! And they have a sense of humor as well. Here are funny classified ads placed by actual senior citizens in Florida plus a few from Arizona. Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out, and enjoy quiet times. Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy. I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes. Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5' 4" (used to be 5' 6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. 80-year-old, bubbly, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? Wanted: Bonded escort, silver-haired (not dyed), two days a week for three active ladies, eighty-plus. Should look rich (but not too rich). Politically conservative. Good bridge player and waltzer. Sharp enough to handle six Bingo cards at once. Prefer chauffeur's license, L.P.N., and Black Belt in karate.

Studies have demonstrated that rednecks have the lowest stress rate, perhaps because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology: Medical Term Redneck Definition Artery The study of paintings Bacteria Back door to cafeteria Barium What doctors do when patients die Benign What you be, after you be eight Caesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome Cat scan Searching for Kitty Cauterize Made eye contact with her Colic A sheep dog Coma A punctuation mark Dilate To live long Enema Not a friend Fester Quicker than someone else Fibula A small lie Impotent Distinguished, well known Labor Pain Getting hurt at work Medical Staff A Doctor's cane Morbid A higher offer Nitrates Rates of Pay for Working at Night, Normally more money than Days Node I knew it Outpatient A person who has fainted Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis Post Operative A letter carrier Recovery Room Place to do upholstery Rectum Nearly killed him Secretion Hiding something Seizure Roman Emperor Tablet A small table Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport Tumor One plus one more Urine Opposite of you're out

I am a senior citizen... - I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm - I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. - I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going. - I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid... - I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. - I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. - I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying. - I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over. - I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. - I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care. - I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians... - I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet. - I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. - I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg. - I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh... - I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies. - I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less. - I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days. - I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP. - I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? - I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory. - I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom. - I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?

Actual Newspaper Headlines: Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway, Creates Jam Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy Crack Found on Governor's Daughter New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Navy Changes Skirt Policy, Making Apparel Optional Stolen Painting Found by Tree Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years Headless Body Found in Topless Bar State Dinner Featured Cat, American Food All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery Chinese Apeman Dated Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter Woman Kicked by her Husband said to be Greatly Improved Former Man Dies in California MacArthur Flies Back to Front Shut-Ins Can Grow Indoors with Lights Deer Kill 17,000 Court to Try Shooting Defendant Lucky Man Sees Pals Die Passengers Hit by Cancelled Trains New Vaccine To Contain Rabies Lucky Victim Stabbed Three Times London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge President of Company Says, "Stud Tires Out" Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire Bridge Held Up By Red Tape Man, Minus Ear, Waives Hearing Man is Fatally Slain

How to tell if you're over caffeinated: You answer the door before people knock. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You speed walk in your sleep. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You lick your coffeepot clean. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. Cocaine is a downer. All your kids are named "Joe". You don't need a hammer to pound nails. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." You don't sweat, you percolate. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. You've worn the finish off your coffee table. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. You're so wired, you pick up FM radio. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf faster without a remote. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

I had a blind date last night but before it I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there’s an app for just that situation. It’s called “Mom Are You Ok” and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date. If you like her, you just ignore your phone. If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?” It works every time, no worries. So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning! But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang. She answered it and said, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane." The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Larry’s whore..."