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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said,'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

A collection of some of the best "Out Of Office" automatic responses: 1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. 2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. 3. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management. 4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. 5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. 6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over). 7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. 8. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. 9. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages. 10. I've run away to join a different circus. AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE: 11. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'

BUMPER STICKERS Give me coffee and no one gets hurt. Don't wash this vehicle - Undergoing scientific dirt test Cover me. I'm changing lanes. Keep honking, I'm reloading He who laughs last thinks slowest Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me Jesus is coming, everyone look busy I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person The Earth Is Full - Go Home As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools My kid had sex with your honor student. Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT! I is a college student I souport publik edekasion If you think education is expensive, Try ignorance Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. You! Out Of The Gene Pool! The gene pool could use a little chlorine. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Beer - Helping ugly people have sex since 1765 BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. Why drink and drive, when you can smoke and fly. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, "Just who do you think you are?" When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being mean. STUPIDITY should be Painful This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an ass. Atheism is a non-profit organization. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. Protected by .357 Magnum 3 days a week. You guess which 3

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" the Priest asks. "Well," the man starts, "I used the 'F'-word today and I feel so terrible." "Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest. "Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards." "I'm a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand what you were feeling. So this is when you swore?" "No Father," said the man, "You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." "And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again. "No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest. "No, not yet," replied the man, "Just as the eagle was flying away with the squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to the green. And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a sand trap and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!" told the man. The priest sighed, "You missed the putt, didn't you?!! .