snowyday

An Indian once appeared before the Senate Committee on Indian Affairs to get aid for his drought-stricken tribe. The chairman objected on the grounds that the Indians were not sufficiently industrious, whereupon the Indian interrupted. “Senator, do you mean to say that I don’t have enough sense to manage my own business?†“No,†replied the Senator. “I was only thinking of the average member of your tribe.†“I am an average member of my tribe,†said the Indian. “No,†said the Senator. “Your tribe would not send an average man to represent them before the Congress of the United States. They would send the smartest man they had.†“You are mistaken,†smiled the Indian. “The people of my tribe are just like the people of the United States. “They never send their smartest men to Congress.†* * * *

Undersecretary of Labor tells this story about a Kentuckian who was walking along the road carrying a jug of moonshine he had acquired from the local moonshiner. Unfortunately, he met the sheriff, who immediately evidenced a keen interest in the jug. The mountain man insisted if was filled with water from a spring. But the sheriff insisted on sampling it. He took one swig and choked. “You call that water?†he said. “Just taste it.†The Kentuckian took a long pull at the jug. “Well, whaddya know, sheriff,†he said. “The good Lord’s gone and done it again.†* * * *

Ware had got a job at last. After months of unemployment he was hired as an assistant to an antique dealer. The very first morning the boss came in and saw him standing idle in the shop. “Go up to the storeroom,†he ordered, “and get me a Greek urn for Mr. Wilson, and be quick about it.†Ware rushed upstairs and called to one of the packers, “Hi mate, what’s a Greek urn?†“I don’t know,†was the reply. “Depends on the job he’s got.†* * * *

Two Indians, very close friends, were forced to separate for a few days while one went to the city on business. On his return, he rushed to his friends, teepee, rapped on the flap and asked the squaw to see his friend, Shortcake. She informed him he was dead. Stunned, he walked off, then returned to see if there was anything he could do “Isn’t there anything I can help you with?†he asked the squaw “No,†was the solemn reply. “Well, can I help you bury him?’ “No,†was the answer, and then she added, “Squaw bury Shortcake.†1957 * * * *

Two distillers of Tennessee moonshine were discussing their operation. “When I take my stuff into town,†one of them explained. "Ah always drive mighty slow – ‘bout 20 miles an hour.†“Skeered o’ the law†the other jeered. “Nope,†retorted the first. “Ye gotta age that stuff, hain’t ye?†* * * *

I didn't get to vote. It says I did but I did not. Anyway, I had never heard a C-130 being called a HerkyBird until I found this site a few years ago, but now I think it is a great name. I would hate to see it changed.

When the last census was being taken (1950), one of the data gatherers got a territory in the mountain country of southwestern Virginia. His first call was made at a cabin on a seldomly used road and when he asked the woman how many children she had, she told him “Four.†“What are their ages, ma’am?†“Well now, mister, I don’t rightly rec’lect,†the woman answered. “But I’ve got one lap chile, one floor creeper, one porch chile and one yard young ‘un.†* * * * *

A woman went to a doctor to complain about her husband’s odd obsession. “It’s terrible, Doctor,†she wailed. “All the time he thinks he’s an ice box. “Well,†consoled the medical man, “that isn’t too bad. Quite a harmless delusion, I’d say.†“The delusion I don’t mind, Doctor,†said the woman, “but when he sleeps with his mouth open, the little light keeps me awake.†* * * *

Seems a man walked into a downtown office building and headed for the elevator. The door was open and he stepped briskly through, falling two flights to the basement. “Darn it all,†he exclaimed angrily as he struggled to his feet. “I said Up!†* * * *

Okay, men! “We’ll take practice jumps in the morning,†the sergeant bellowed to the paratroop recruits. Next morning, the young airborne GI’s were aloft in a troop carrier. All went in perfect order as one by one the soldiers hit the silk, until the last man, a happy-go-lucky type came up to the plane’s door. “Hold it!†roared the sargeant. “For heaven’s sake, Buster, you’re not wearing your parachute.†“Oh, that’s all right,†smiled the recruit. “Just a practice jump, isn’t it?†* * * from a 1953 newspaper so it must have been a C-119 Flying Boxcar.

A newspaper reporter had been sent to interview a rancher who was reported to own a talking horse. During the interview, the rancher explained that the horse was not only capable of talking, but was also a first rate comedian. “That horse has a wonderful collection of jokes,†said the rancher, “and I value him at $5,000. However, I own a mule that is worth twice as much.†“Why is the mule so valuable?†asked the reporter. “Who do you think writes the horse’s material?†the rancher answered. * * * *

Once, arriving in London on a visit of state, the Shah of Persia avidly observed the bustling life of the great metropolis as he passed down the street in an open carriage. He glimpsed a small urchin perched on a lamppost, thumbling his nose and asked the British diplomat accompanying him to explain the meaning of the gesture. “That, Your Majesty,†came the unctuous reply, “is a token of great respect.†The Shah was leaving the British capital a few days later, when he bethought himself of the many courtesies and kindnesses he had received at the hands of British officialdom. So to show his esteem for the assembled nobility at the railroad station, he thrust his head out of the railway carriage and slowly and gracefully thumbed his nose at them. * * * * from a 1953 New York Newspaper. (For those of you that don't remember the nose thumbing, this was before shooting someone a bird became the norm.)

Nancy and Pat, aged 8 and 9, were at their new television set, watching the atomic explosion at Yucca Flat. Nancy broke the moment of awed silence after the gigantic explosion: Boy, they sure don’t care what they do to Nevada, do they?†But Pat explained loftily: Don’t be silly, Nancy. They have to make a place to put Hawaii when it gets to be the 49th state. * * * From the Times Record of Troy, New York dated 15 May 1953 (This was the atomic blast of March 17, 1953, at Yucca Flat, Nevada Proving Ground.) mds

It was in a small town in the hills where the local drunk staggered out of a bar. Gazing around in a befuddled manner, he spotted the town’s only taxicab in front of the bar, and climbed into the back seat. “Take me to Charley’s Place, driver,†he said. “Buddy, you’re in front of Charley’s place now,†replied the driver. “O.K. Mac!†said the drunk as he staggered out of the cab. “But next time, don’t drive so blamed fast!†* * * *

A white man and an Indian, it seems, had gone hunting. That evening, ready to divide the spoils, the white man said, “You take the buzzard and I’ll take the turkey, or, I will take the turkey and you may take the buzzard.†The Indian replied, “You never once said take turkey to me. And that is how our language gained the expressive phrase “talking turkey,†synonymous with “talking business†or getting down to brass tacks.†* * * *

With the coming of the railroad came a new brand of entrepreneurialism. Stock would wander onto the track and be hit by the train. The railroad would then have to settle with the owner for the superb stock lost. A Cherokee County man saw an opportunity and went out and bought a blind mule as his sacrificial lamb so to speak. Now the mule may have been blind but was not stupid. He could both hear and feel the vibrations caused by the train and get out of the way. Hopefully each day the man would go check on his prize stock. Day after day he would find the mule alive and well. One day when the train engineer looked down the track he spied the mule on the track. He blew his whistle. All the mule did was turn his head in the direction of the sound. Muttering to himself he brought the train to a stop and got out to chase the mule off the tracks. Imagine his surprise to find the hooves of the mule nailed to the crosstie between the tracks. * * *

A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" He demanded. There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight and try it again." Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!" "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?" The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?" "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because the black horse don't know squat about cars!"

A Navy wife bidding her husband goodbye as he was embarking for the Aleutians, says when she saw a black Scottie puppy going aboard, when wives were not allowed to go along, she went to an officer and complained about the unfairness of regulations that allowed dogs, but not wives, to accompany the Navy. The officer listened to the tirade in silence. Then he spoke, “but see, madam, he said, “all of the men can pet a dog.†* * * *

A teacher was slightly in doubt as to what mark to give the boy on his answer in an examination to the question “What is a will?†The boys answer: “A will is a written document in which a person tells how he wants his property divided among his errors.†* * * *

An athlete who had won many running races was boasting of his achievements when a man sitting near interrupted him. “I’ll race you,†said the stranger, “and you’ll never pass me if you give me a 3 foot start and let me choose the course. The athlete looked at his challenger, a short and rather stout man, and laughed, “I bet you twenty to one I will.†he returned, “where’s the course?†“Up a ladder,†answered his opponent. * * * *

Lost on a back road in Alabama, a man asked the way to Montgomery from an old farmer who was sitting on a fence idly chewing tobacco. He looked down the road, scratched his head and gave him a complicated set of directions. About thirty minutes later after following the farmer’s directions carefully, the young man could hardly believe his eyes when he came upon the farmer again at the very same spot. Thoroughly exasperated he pulled up and shouted: “Look here, you act as though you expected to see me again. What’s the big idea?†“Waal, young feller,†he repeated, “I didn’t aim to waste my time explainin’ how you get to Montgomery till I found out if you could follow simple directions.†* * * *

A Boston salesman visited Texas and heard one particular Texan boasting about heroes of the Alamo who, almost alone, held off whole armies. “I’ll bet you never had anybody so brave around Boston,†challenged the Texan. “Did you ever hear of Paul Revere?†said the Bostonian. “Paul Revere?†said the Texan. “Isn’t that the guy that ran for help?†* * * *

Old Matt Ironfield, who had run the only hardware store in Slopeville for the last thirty years, was sitting himself down to supper table, when his patient wife, Esmerelda, said: “Any business today, Matt?†“Oh, old Bull’s-Eye Benson came in and bought a lock for his meat cellar this morning.†“Anything else happen?†asked his wife. “Oh, a little later on, Light-Fingered Fenwick come in and bought a wrecking bar.†“Oh, just before noon, Light-Fingered Fenwick came back and bought a skillet – big enough to fry a big slice of ham in.†“I see,†said Esmerelda. “Any other customers?†“Oh, along the middle of the afternoon, Bull’s-Eye Benson come in and bought a box of 30-40 cartridges for his old rifle.†“And that was the extent of your day’s business?†his wife asked. “Nope,†he said, buttering a biscuit. “Later on, Light-Fingered’s two cousins, Jake and Joe, come in and bought a pick and spade – some spikes to nail a pine plank box together with.†“Well, well,†said Esmerelda, “and then did Bull’s-Eye Benson come back and buy another padlock for his meat cellar?†“Nope,†Matt said, heaping a mound of jelly on his biscuit. “Don’t reckon he’ll need to keep it locked now . . . Mighty fine biscuits, Esmerelda.†* * *

Freckled, shaggy-haired, tall gangling, young mountaineer entered the general store, plunked down $1.50 and said to the lady clerk: “The girl my cousin’s marrin’ tomorrow wants a pair of Nylon stockin’s, size nine, to wear at the weddin.’ “What gauge?†Asked the clerk. “Gauge?†he echoed blankly. “She didn’t say, ma’am, but her pap’s old shotgun looked like a 12-gauge – if that’ll help any.†* * * * from 1943

“Did you notice any suspicious characters in the neighborhood?†the judge inquired. “Sure,†replied the new policeman. “I saw one man, and I asked him what he was doing there at that time of night. Said he: “I have no business here just now, but I expect to open a bank in the vicinity later on.†“Yes,†replied the judge, “and he did open a bank in the vicinity later on and stole $20,000.†“Well,†answered the policeman. The man may have been a thief, but he was no liar.†* * * *