snowyday

A drunk was leaning out of a window on the third floor of a hotel when suddenly he overbalanced and fell to the pavement below. A crowd soon gathered, then a policeman pushed his way to where the drunk was lying, and demanded: “What’s going on here?†“Dunno,†replied the drunk, I’ve just got “ere.†* * *

One afternoon old Zeke shut down his still and trudged down to the village to get his favorite brand of tobacco. The storekeeper was all out of it, but expected a shipment soon. Disappointed, Zeke said, “Well, when you get it – telephone me.†“What? You don’t have a phone, do you?†asked the proprietor. “Nope,†said Zeke, “but you do.†* * *

Drunk: “Believe it or not, shtreet car, I’m waiting for an offisher. I mean, believe it or offisher not, I’m street carrying for a wait— that ish—shay, what am I doing anyhow?†Officer: “Believe it or not, you’re patrolling for the wait wagon. I mean, you’re waggoning for the wait patrol—get the idea, pal?†Drunk: “Shure. You’re intohshicated?†* * * *

The maid was new in the house and obviously unfamiliar with her duties. She seemed to bungle every job expected of her. While watching television during the evening, the master of the house summoned her and asked for a bottle of beer. Moments later, she was back, clutching the bottle by the neck. “Not that way,†the master reprimanded. “Put it on a tray.†The maid scratched her head. “You want a spoon with it, sir—or do you just lap it up?†* * * *

I was stationed at Ardmore Air Force Base in Oklahoma from 1955 to 1959 and we shut it down. We sent everything to Sewart and I was released two months early to keep from sending me to to Sewart. My home town was Nashville, TN so they didn't want to send me there. Go figure.

A doctor met a young man at a cocktail party. “I want to thank you, doctor,†said the latter, “for the benefit I have gained from your treatment.†The other looked at him blankly. “But –er— “he said. “I don’t think you’ve ever been a patient of mine.†“No, but my uncle was. I’m his heir.†* * * *

On a hot summer day an interested group of on-lookers watched some archaeologists uncover an ancient Indian burial ground in Kansas. In the crowd was a large woman who kept loudly and repeatedly reminding the workers they were committing a crime: “An Indian has every right to a private burial. Grown men should be ashamed of themselves, disturbing the dead.†Finally, the woman triumphantly asked how the scientists knew that one of the skeletons they had just uncovered was that of an Indian squaw, as they had pointed out. Looking up the archaeologist answered slowly. “Well, madam, for one thing, you’ll note the lower jaw is worn out. * * * *

A kind-hearted social worker sympathizing with a prisoner who never received any visitors. “Do you mean to say that nobody ever comes to see you?†she asked. “No, madam, nobody.†“Yet you are the eldest of a family of ten children?†“Yes, madam, and not one of them will leave his cell to call on me.†* * *

While a young suitor was waiting for his girl, the girl’s little sister sidled into the room. “Did you know my sister’s got three other boy friends?†she asked coyly. “Really,†he said in surprise. “I haven’t seen any of them.†“Neither have I,†was the reply, “but she gave me two dollars to tell you.†* * *

There had been an accident. It was the usual thing — a college student’s convertible had collided head-on with the farmer’s Model A. The two drivers got out and surveyed the damage. “Well,†said the farmer, “we may as well have a drink.†He hauled out a bottle and passed it to the student who gulped down a stiff one. The farmer calmly returned the bottle to his pocket. “Aren’t you going to have one?†asked the student. “Don’t think I will ‘till the police have checked up. -1958- * * *

Nantucket’s editor Gordon Turner tells one about the doctor who was awakened in the middle of a stormy night by a farmer pounding on his door. “What do you charge for country calls?†the farmer asked. The doctor, impatient that anyone should haggle in the middle of the night, snapped: “Ten dollars!†Thereupon, the farmer asked the doctor to drive out to his farm immediately. The doctor dressed and drove the farmer over muddy roads as fast as conditions permitted. As they stopped in front of the house, the farmer got out of the car and handed $10 to the doctor. “What’s this?†asked the surprised doctor. “There isn’t anyone sick,†the farmer explained, “but the cabby wanted $15 to bring me out here.†* * * *

Millionaire steel magnate Andrew Carnegie experienced the pinch of poverty in his youth. One night, shortly after he had sold his holdings for almost a half billion dollars to the newly formed United States Steel Co., a dinner was given in his honor. When Carnegie was asked to speak, he got up and said: “I only wish someone had thought of giving me this dinner when I needed it.†* * * *

A very pretty and charming young wife phoned a psychiatrist. “I’m sending my husband to you. There is something dreadfully wrong with him. Not only does he ignore me completely, but he is different from every other married man I know. He never takes a second glance at any woman, even the most beautiful and exotic.†The psychiatrist promised to call her when he had finished diagnosing her husband, and he did. “You have absolutely nothing to worry about,†he assured her. “Your husband isn’t unbalanced of mind, or even neurotic or eccentric. He’s just stupid.†* * * *

At the office Christmas party, a very new employee was talking with a matron when his attention was drawn to a beefy individual leading an animated conversation a few feet away. “Who’s old hefty with the over-sized ears?†he asked. “Why,†she replied, “that’s my husband. He’s head of your department.†“I was just going to say,†quietly explained the new employee, “that on a big man like him, over-sized ears are very becoming.†* * * *

During the mid-afternoon lull at an English pub the senior bartender and his assistant busied themselves polishing glassware. They could not help overhearing a conversation between two men at a nearby table, the only customers in the place. To say these gentlemen were inebriated would be mild euphemism. This is what the bartenders heard: “Where you from?†“The States.†“That’s a coincidence. So am I. What town?†“Chicago.†“Can you beat that? I’m from Chicago, too. What address?†“5710 Ellis Avenue.†“I can’t believe it. That’s where I live. What’s your apartment?†“Six.†“Say, this is uncanny. That’s my apartment.†The assistant barkeep couldn’t take any more and said to his superior: “I can’t believe w’at I’m hearing.†Two blokes ‘appen to meet in an English pub and both are from the States, the same town, same address, an’ same apartment. W’at a miracle.†“Not such a miracle w’en ya know the background,†said the old-timer. “W’en they first came in ‘ere an’ started drinkin’ two weeks ago they wuz father an’ son.’ * * *

Making her first flight, an old lady stopped the stewardess as she passed her seat. “Will you give a message to the pilot, please,†she asked. “Certainly, madam.†“Well, then, please ask him not to go faster than sound because we want to talk on the journey.†* * * *

The juror was trying to get himself excused from service. “I owe a man $25 I borrowed,†he told the judge, “and he’s leaving town for good today. I want to catch him before he gets to the train and pay him the money.†“You’re excused,†the judge announced. “I don’t want anybody on the jury who can lie like that.†* * * *

A young man was being examined in court as a witness and the lawyer for the prosecution began: Now, Lazky, what do you do†What do I do when? When you work, of course. I work. I know, but at what? At a bench. I know, I know, but where do you work at a bench? In a factory. What kind of factory? Brick. Ah, now we’re getting some place. The factory makes bricks? No. The factory is made of bricks. Oh, Lord, Lazky, what do you make in that factory? Twenty dollars a week. No. No. What does the factory make. A lot of money, I think. No, listen. What sort of goods does the factory make? Good goods. But what kind of goods? The best there is. Of what? Of those goods. Your honor, I give up. * * * *

A clergyman spent the afternoon at a house in an English village where he had preached. After tea he was sitting in the garden with his hostess. Out rushed her little boy holding a rat above his head. “Don’t be afraid, mother,†he cried, “it’s dead. We beat him and bashed him and thumped him untilâ€â€” and then catching sight of the reverend, he added, in a lowered voice—“until God called him home.†* * * *

Most men who have reached high places in public life have at least a few amusing, if embarrassing, incidents in their back-grounds. The man who was known as “The Plumed Knight,†for instance, James G. Blaine, used to tell of an incident when he was a young lawyer and defended a tramp who had been accused of stealing a watch. Blaine believed the man had been unjustly accused and he put every bit of sincerity in his makeup into his plea to the jury. The man was acquitted. And immediately after the acclaim for the fine young attorney had quieted a bit, the tramp, tears streaming down his face, whispered: “Mister, I ain’t cried since I wuz a kid. I only wish I had the money to pay you—but I ain’t got a dime. But listen—if you’ll come out in the hall where nobody can see us, I’ll give you the watch. * * * *

Seated side-by-side in a tavern, the two men were busily partaking of the cup that cheers. “Hank,†said one, “I notice that you drink a lot. Does your tongue burn after you’ve had quite a bit?†Hank pondered the question, then drawled: “Well, I don’t rightly know, Joe. I’ve never been drunk enough to light it.†* * * *

A certain Indian apparently feels that the white man is not so much crazy as greedy. This chief was interviewed by the Sault St. Marie, Ont., Daily Star on the current uranium boom. He said: “200 or 300 years ago white man come to North Shore of Lake Superior. He take all the fur and give Indian string of beads. Then a few years later he cut down all big trees; build lumber mills. Soon all big trees gone—he go away. Few years later, he come back, build paper mill at Espanola, cut down all small trees. Nothing left on North Shore but rock. Now, by gosh, he comes back for rock.†1950 * * * *

Mrs. Gabbieigh—“My, I was at the dentist’s this afternoon and he made me keep my mouth open a whole hour. It nearly killed me.†Husband (trying to read)—“If he had made you keep your mouth shut for that long it would have killed you for sure.†* * * *

The director of the home planning department of a large department store received a telephone call: “Could you help me with some color questions?†a feminine voice asked “I want to know what colors I’ll get if I mix green and yellow, yellow and blue and green and blue.†“We could be of more help to you,†said the home planner, “if we knew what you are working with. Are you using flat, gloss paint, enamel or oil?†“Oh, no,†said the caller “I’m not painting. I am planning to crossbreed some parakeets.†* * * *

A man went into the employment office and signed up for a job as dishwasher in a hotel. The questionnaire asked: “When are you available for work?†The man scratched his head and said to the clerk: “How do you spell rat?†“Why, R-A-T, of course,†answered the clerk. “Nom†said the man, “I don’t mean the mousy kind of rat. I mean rat now.†* * * *