Sonny

That's great news.

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the news says,"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."The blonde starts crying and says to her husband while sobbing"That's horrible! So many men dying that way!" Confused the husband replies "Yes dear, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "So how many is a Brazilian?

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties, and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you'd better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. When the lion is about half way to her, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is agape. "I've never seen a display like that in my life!" he exclaims. He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."....

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.

" Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated

.38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you

leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business,

you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe

a couple of bambinos "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed

with another man.. ??"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch

and say, 'Time's Up'?

Love it!

I was confused when I heard the word 'service ' used with these agencies.

Internal Revenue 'Service '

U.S. Postal 'Service '

Telephone 'Service '

Cable TV 'Service '

Civil 'Service '

State, City, County & Public 'Service '

Customer 'Service '

This is not what I thought 'service ' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking,

and one of them said he had hired a bull to

'service ' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing.....

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said,

"You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired,

you were there to support me.

When my business fell, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you gave me support.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

Well, now that I think about it,

I think you bring me bad luck!

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"

The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.

"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."

"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"

The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.

The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"

"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"

"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."

Casey,

Would you please add these two pictures of 533 to the photo gallery?

Thanks.

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap,

it was one of the SPECS cameras that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.

He later received in the mail a ticket for $100 dollars and a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of a $100 dollar bill.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture,

this time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $100

A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing.

As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door,

to say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane.

He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing,

but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger,

an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot after most passengers had exited the plane and asked,

"Did we land? Or were we shot down?"

(Written by kids)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the

same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it

that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they

grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all

way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you

know the person FOREVER by then.

-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE

ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on

whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE

IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people

should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have

something to say if you listen long enough.

-- Lynnette, age 8(isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each

other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to

go for a second date.

-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE IF

THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day

I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote

about me in all the dead columns.

-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.

-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so

I wouldn't want to mess with that.

- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss

someone, then you should marry them and have kids with

them. It's the right thing to do.

-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but

not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF

PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to

explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty,

even if she looks like a truck.

-- Ricky, age 10, wisdom beyond his years .

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life -- until the boat sinks. He finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people. No supplies. Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.

In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware.

How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Ed is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on the couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,

"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

"WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know."

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing!

.

"You mean," he swallows excitedly, "I can check my e-mail from here?

A man walked into a bar he had never been in before and ordered a drink.

He then asked the bartender if he enjoyed dumb-jock jokes.

The beefy attendant leaned over the bar and fixed a withering glare on his customer.

"Listen, buddy," he growled. "See those two big guys on the left? They're professional football players.

And that huge fellow on your right is a world-class wrestler.

That guy in the corner is a champion weight-lifter.

And I lettered in three sports at Notre Dame. Now," he continued, "

are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your dumb-jock joke here?" "

Nah, I guess not," the man replied.

"I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

A friend and I were on our way home after a barrel full our our favorite beer.

My friend stops and picks up a mirror laying in the middle of the road.

After starring in to it for a minute or two he said "I know this face from some where, but I cannot for the life in me put a name to it"

"He gave it to me and I said, "You idiot it's me"

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$ 100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time . !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend .

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck .

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache .

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes ..

No wonder men are happier .

SPELL CHECKER

I halve a spelling checker,

It came with my pea see.

It plainly marks four my revue

Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the era rite

Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,

And I'm shore your pleased too no

Its letter prefect in every weigh;

My checker tolled me sew

Sonny I don't know how to do that but Casey can.

Bob

Thanks.

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.

The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

HIM: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HIM: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours

HER: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HIM: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?

HER: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HIM: Will you go out with me this Saturday?

HER: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HIM: Your face must turn a few heads.

HER: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HIM: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.

HER: Okay, get out.

HIM: I think I could make you very happy.

HER: Why? Are you leaving?

HIM: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?

HER: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HIM: Can I have your name?

HER: Why? Don't you already have one?

HIM: Where have you been all my life?

HER: Hiding from you.

HIM: Haven't I seen you some place before?

HER: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HIM: Is this seat empty?

HER: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.

HIM: So, what do you do for a living?

HER: I'm a female impersonator.

HIM: Hey baby what's your sign?

HER: Do not enter.

HIM: Your body is like a temple.

HER: Sorry, there are no services today.

HIM: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

HER: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing .

HIM: Where have you been all my life?

HER: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

Bob,

Could you please add these to the gallery? Thanks.

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for

it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that

you had quit Your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you

came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked

your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home

and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.

Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case

is,

I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving

away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that

you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a

far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out

your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut

off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was

"You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you

can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with

MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep

on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on

it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed

fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I

quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you

were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the

filling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime

from me. So take care.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!...

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born

Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas.

Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on

sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He

walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different

about me?"

Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom; undresses and walks

back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he

asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down

today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again

tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?

IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.

To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year".

The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"

The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"

"The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don''t want to try these techniques at home.".

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience..

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.

"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets,often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ''Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?".

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked..

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."