Sonny

I like your version better.

Dan, Truly classic's. Still laughing!!! Thanks. Sonny

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, " What is it? " The husband said "She also stole a can of peas

Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish in Northern Ireland and Patrick is the priest in the Catholic church just across the border. One day they are seen together, erecting a sign beside the road that says: TA END IS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW AFOR IT IS TOO LATE! As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Oirish religious nutters! We don't need your lectures." From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash. Shaking his head, Father Patrick says, ''Dat's da terd one dis mornin.'" "Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks: "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say, 'Bridge Out?'

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain,". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be???....) On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's just a suggestion.) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (...I'm taking this because???....) On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?) On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

One night 4 college students were partying until late and did not study for a test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt. They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return, a tire burst on their car and they had to push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to take the test. The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time. On the third day, they went for their test. The teacher said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days... The test consisted of 1 single question, worth a total of 100 points........ Q. 1. Which tire? a) Front Left Front Right c) Back Left d) Back Right

Dallas, You must mean MSgt. George Tanner, not Lawson. He was the one who told me it was the 21st. Sonny

JR, When I was at Naha the 21st (undeniably the best squadron) hung at the Bar Mitzi. Sonny

Ken, I went from E's to A's in 1967. Was told they were the same. Boy was I lied to!!!!! Sonny

A man is surprised to receives a call from his doctor. The doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news and some worse news." "Well, alright, give me the bad news first," said the man. "Well," said the doctor, "The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live." "Holy Cow! That is some bad news!" the man exclaimed. "What news could be worse than that?" he asked. "The worse news is that I have been trying to reach you since yesterday."

Ken, You did us proud. Your only mistake was that the 35th was the only real squadron when it was actually the 21st!!! Sonny

A few years ago I came home from a night of drinking with the boys. As I fell through the doorway of our house, my wife snapped at me, “What’s the big idea coming home half drunk?†My reply was simple I just said, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.â€

A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. “I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,†he said. “Makes sense,†mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.â€

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department. They explained, "Since there was no health threat, you'll need to call the Sanitation Department." When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor." The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway. The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response. The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking, "WELL Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

Hello - and thank you for calling the Mental Health Clinic. Please select from the following menu options: If you're obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you're co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you're paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you're delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you're schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you're manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you're dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you're bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you're menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down, and cry. You won't be crazy forever. If you're blonde, don't press any buttons; you'll just mess it up.

Thanks, really enjoyed this. Sonny 21st TCS (TAS) '67-'68

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news." "First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.†He said. With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news." he then said "Private Peters will be driving a truck."

Try this: http://www.919sow.afrc.af.mil/news/story.asp?id=123307311

Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren...all boys. The kids always wanted to play ''war,'' and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game. His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!'' Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right. Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ''Sh-h-h, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.''

Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys, were sitting' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by. "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba. "Do what?" asked Johnny Ray. Bubba answered: "Send my grass out to be mowed"

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, †Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day. "Sam," says Moe, “You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven." Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you." And shortly after that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...." "Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Moe, it's me, Sam." "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died." "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!" "Sam? Is that you? Where are you?" "I'm in heaven," says Sam, “and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news." "So, tell me the good news first," says Moe. "The good news," says Sam “is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!" "Really?" says Moe, “That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?" "You're pitching next Tuesday."