Sonny

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked. "I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

Hillbilly Knows Best A hillbilly farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. 'Heya, Wilbur,' said Ron, the store owner. 'Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?' 'You betcha, Ron. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?' 'Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a "match". 'Match? Never heard of it.' 'Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this,' Ron says, taking a match and striking it on his trousers. 'Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Ron.' 'Well, why not?' 'I can't be walking twelve miles every time I want a fire and borrow your trousers.'

How many contract lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? WHEREAS, the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: Section 1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. Section 2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable federal, state and local statutes. Section 3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step Section 1 of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as the "Partnership”.

Things You Can't Say With a Hallmark Card 1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." 3. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you." 4. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." 5. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister." 6. "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." 7. "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!" 8. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again." 9. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here." 10. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?" 11. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often." 12. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep." 13. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?" 14. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you." 15. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine." 16. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike! 17. "Congratulations on getting Married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!" 18. "I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly." 19. "Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it." 20. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise." 21. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys." 22. "We have been friends for a very long time. What say we call it quits?" 23. "If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much." 24. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in certain select states)

The Funny Wisdoms of Life: Some Are Witty and Some Are Even True The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order - Brian Pickrell Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it - Author unknown He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard - Unknown I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer - Douglas Adams The empty vessel makes the greatest sound - William Shakespeare Silence and smile are two powerful words. Smile is the way to solve many problems and Silence is the way to avoid many problems - Anon Knowledge talks, wisdom listens There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full - Henry Kissinger He could start a row in an empty house - Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure - Clarence Darrow He has all the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire - Winston Churchill I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure - W.C. Fields In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back - Charlie Brown To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone - Reba McEntire Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway - Anon Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection of mistakes called Experience leads us to success A wise man listens to advice - Proverbs 12:15

The girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried. "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-46624382?fbclid=IwAR1cZZub55pJ8XxLm4UmuFbfLYE9NjuRksWd2JxHzghXpjNSYIRso_m-e2Q

Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in a while, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!" "He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked. Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'.

Ever Wonder... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why "abbreviated" is such a long word? Why doctors call what they do "practice"? Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows? Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor? Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ? Why sheep don't shrink when it rains? Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

Merry Christmas!!

Mississippi Student Absentees You cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school district. (Spellings have been left intact.) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John Henry being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33 Please excuse Gloria Jean from Jim today. She is administrating Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Carlos was absent yesterday because he playing football. He hurt in the growing part. Ethel Pearl could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. Please xcuse LeRoy from school, he ain't got no rain cot and it was missing rain. Please excuse Bowdiddly fom school cause he uncle died. Bow say, "I sho glad it want me." Lugene will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side . Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had(diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the s----. [Words were crossed out in the ( )'s} Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a weak from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. Please excuse Willie being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. Please excuse Mary Ann for being absent yestitty. She was in bed with gramps. Lizie was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. Please excuse Brenda, she been sick and under the doctor. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Definitions Male/Female 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. a. female...Any part under a car's hood. b. male...The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. a. female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. b. male...Playing any sport without a "cup." 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. a. female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. b. male...Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. 4. BUTT (but) n. a. female...The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." b. male...What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning. 5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n a. female...A desire to get married and raise a family. b. male...Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. 6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. a. female...A good movie, concert, play or book. b. male...Anything that can be done while drinking. 7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. a. female...An embarrassing by-product of digestion. b. male...An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding. 8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. a. female...The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. b. male...Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. 9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. a. female...A device for changing from one TV channel to another. b. male...A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 1/2 minutes. 10. FOOTBALL (fut-bol) n. a. female...An annoying 6 month long competition for a partner's attention. b. male...6 months off from spending time with what's her name.

Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, $550.00

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The gentleman was your doctor."

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted , 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' his wife replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' GO BUCKEYES!' And they say blondes are dumb.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time) Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads WARNING; ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE! The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads, NOW THERE ARE TWO!

https://news.usni.org/2018/12/06/kc-130t-accident-report-video-reconstruction

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Deleted by me!!! 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. 5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can. 10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." 11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. 12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite." 13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex. 14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water.”