At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"

During a readiness exercise, two Air Force security policemen were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where aircraft were kept. When a pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, one of the Air Force security policemen asked him for it. "I don't see why I have to show you my ID," the pilot snapped. "After all, it is my plane." "Sir, with all due respect, it may be your plane," replied the Air Force security man, "but it's sitting in my garage!"

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today, they call it golf.

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

For those of you who are not familiar with US tax forms, "Form 1040" is the most common of the US Federal tax forms. Most people file one of the several versions of this form. Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040? Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

A drunk woman leapt into a taxi stark naked.  Sachin, the Indian cab driver made no attempt to drive off.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?!"

Funny Beer Quotations

• Beauty is in the hands of the beer holder. - Anonymous
• My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. - Henry Youngman
• Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony. - Robert Benchley
• Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working. - Harold Rudolph
• Apparently it was the accepted practice in Babylonia [now southern Iraq] 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the 'honey month' - or what we know today as the 'honeymoon'.
• You know what alcoholics call New Year's Eve? Amateur night. - Elmore Leonard
• Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry
• The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. - William Butler Yeats
• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. - Stephen Wright

Jennie was sitting at the defendant's table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand.

The lawyer asked, 'When you stopped the defendant, Jennie, were your red and blue lights flashing?'

'Yes, sir, they were.'

'Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?'

'Yes, sir, she did.'

'And,' looking at Jennie, 'what was it the defendant said?'

'She said, "What disco am I at?''

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?'

The first man approached him and said, 'Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?  A child?  A parent?'

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied........ 'My wife's first husband

A Congressman in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.

'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'

A Telephone Salesman

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

The Angry Genie

One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."

So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.

For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.

Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard!
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.
I can't get enough minimalism.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.
There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.
Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.
Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
If at first you don't succeed, try left field.
When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, "I didn't get to where I am today by listening to people like you!
Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.
I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.
If #2 pencils are the most popular, why are they still #2?
I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.
I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.
It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".
One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?"
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.
Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?
Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on

Twins and Twins

What is a Cat?

Conclusion: They're tiny women in fur coats.

What is a Dog?

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.