Sonny
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C-130 Hercules News
Posts posted by Sonny
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At the Dentist:I had to go to the dentist -- very scared of the dentist. I go into the office, and I'm waiting. A little kid comes out, and he's crying. The dentist bends over and gives him a lollipop. I'm like, 'Don't take that, man. That's what got you in here in the first place.'
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
I was a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job.
I worked in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I was a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I tried to be a chef. I thought it would add a little spice to my life,but I just didn't have the thyme.
I was a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
I was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
I worked in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I always wanted to be a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
I got a job as a historian but I realized there was no future in it.
I was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
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A fellow comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Tom O'Brien in the games anymore.The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?""Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife."Well," says the husband, "neither would Tom O'Brien."
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25 facts of life
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: * The universe is even bigger than they thought! * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! * Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: * If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father. * If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. * If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability. * If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. -
I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN...
...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
...I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.
...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.
...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.
...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.
...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
...my secretary sez things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."
...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.
...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on m -
Ricky, Tony, and Leroy were out riding their bikes in downtown Chicago when a fire engine zoomed past with blaring sirens.
The three boys spotted an Alsatian dog on the front seat of the fire engine.
Ricky commented, "They use that dog to control sightseers."
"No," said Tony, "he's just for good luck."
But Leroy knew better, "No, that's not it," he said. "The dog is there to point the firemen to the nearest fire hydrant!"
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People Say the Strangest Things:
These phrases were culled from the small ad columns of local newspapers in the UK and the USA:
Semi-annual after-Christmas sale.Auto repair service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you' ll never go anywhere again.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $10.00.
Auto repair service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Tattoos done while you wait.
Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Wanted: Mother's helper - peasant working conditions.Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?
A person should bathe once in summer but not so often in winter.
Spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. Spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
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A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Mary? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She said, "I want a divorce."
He replied in shock, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
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Crazy Laws -It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen's image upside-down.It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned in Britain.The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen.It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armorIf someone knocks on your door in Scotland and needs the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter.In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet.It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing.In Trinity College students can demand a glass of wine at any time during an exam, provided they are wearing their sword.It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk.In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of longbow practice a day.In England it is illegal to be drunk on Licensed Premises. [pubs, clubs and bars, restaurants]In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague.It is illegal for a cab in the City of London to carry rabid dogs or corpsesIn Scotland it is illegal to be a drunk in possession of a cowIn Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon.It is illegal to kiss on railways in France.Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London.In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.In Massachusetts Christmas was outlawed in 1659. Not until 1856 did Christmas—along with Washington’s Birthday and the Fourth of July—finally become a public holiday in Massachusetts.In New Hampshire it is against the law to tap your feet, nod your head or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant or cafe.In Oklahoma criminals can be fined, arrested or jailed for making faces at a dog (Barking Mad).In Germany it is illegal to wear a mask.It is illegal for a student to walk through Trinity College, Dublin, Ireland, without a sword.In Antwerp, Belgium, it is illegal to wear a red hat and walk down the main street.In Israel picking your nose on Saturday is forbidden.In Singapore failure to flush a public toilet after use may result in a very large fine.In Australia it is illegal to dress up as Batman
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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, Give the ballerina a drink!
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink?
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, Give the ballerina another drink!
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?
As far as I'm concerned, the drunk replied, any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!
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Ya Might be a Redneck If:Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.The blue book value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this."You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with.More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerveFewer than half of your cars run.There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.The primary color of your car is "bondo".You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.Your family tree doesn't fork.Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.You've been too drunk to fish.You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'You had to remove a toothpick for wedding picturesYou've ever financed a tattoo.You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
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A man walks out to the street and catches a cab just going by. He gets into the cab, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me - I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing man. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his friggin widow..... -
A funny thought for the day from the movies...
"It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces."
~ Renee Zellweger, Bridget Jone's Diary ~
[talking about his new wife] "Ignore her. She's drunk. At least I hope she is. Otherwise I'm in real trouble."
~ Timothy Walker, Four Weddings and a Funeral ~ `
"Relax Luther, it's much worse than you think."
~ Ethan Hunt, Mission: Impossible ~
"All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work."
~ Steve Martin, Bilko ~
"You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music."
~ The Cable Guy ~
"The key here, I think, is to not think of death as an end. But, but, think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses."
~ Woody Allen, Love and Death ~ -
Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"
A few minutes later, Timmy returned.
"Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"
"She's fine, except that she's angry at you."
"At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"
"She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy. -
A Thoughtful Valentine's Day Gift
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'
'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'
Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'
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Interesting Questions:Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the empty gun is thrown at him?When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you idiot?"Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
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A blonde called the airport for flight information.
"How long is your flight from Los Angeles to Denver?” she asked.
"Just a minute," the pleasant agent replied.
"Thank You" she said and hung up.-
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A boiled egg is hard to beat.A calendar's days are numbered.A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.A plateau is a high form of flattery.Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis.Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.Acupuncture: a jab well done.
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After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Melissa decided she had been stood up. She changed from her best dinner dress into her pajamas and slippers, fixed herself a snack and resigned herself to an evening of TV.No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date.He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late ... and you're still not ready?"
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The Funny Wisdoms of Life: Some Are Witty and Some Are Even True:The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order - Brian PickrellNever miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it - Author unknownHe has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard - UnknownI refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer - Douglas AdamsThe empty vessel makes the greatest sound - William ShakespeareSilence and smile are two powerful words. Smile is the way to solve many problems and Silence is the way to avoid many problems - AnonKnowledge talks, wisdom listensThere cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full - Henry KissingerHe could start a row in an empty house - Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis WiseI have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure - Clarence DarrowHe has all the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire - Winston ChurchillI used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure - W.C. FieldsIn the book of life, the answers aren't in the back - Charlie BrownTo succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone - Reba McEntireNever take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway - AnonMistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection of mistakes called Experience leads us to successA wise man listens to advice - Proverbs 12:15
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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass.
What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left me hat." -
How careers end:
Lawyers are disbarred.
Ministers are defrocked.
Electricians are delighted.
Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.
Drunks are distilled.
Alpine climbers are dismounted.
Piano tuners are unstrung.
Orchestra leaders are disbanded.
Artists' models are deposed.
Cooks are deranged.
Dressmakers are unbiased.
Nudists are redressed.
Office clerks are defiled.
Mediums are dispirited.
Programmers are decoded.
Accountants are discredited.
Holy people are disgraced.
Pastry chefs are deserted.
Perfume makers are dissented.
Butterfly collectors are debugged.
Students are degraded.
Electricians are refused.
Bodybuilders are rebuffed.
Underwear models are debriefed
Painters are discolored.
Spinsters are dismissed.
Judges are disappointed.
Vegas dealers are discarded.
Mathematicians are discounted.
Tree surgeons disembark.
Things You Can't Say With a Hallmark Card
in Sonny's Funnies
Posted
1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
2. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
3. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
4. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
5. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
6. "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
7. "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"
8. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
9. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
10. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
11. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
12. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."
13. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
14. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
15. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
16. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
17. "Congratulations on getting Married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"
18. "I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."
19. "Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."
20. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."