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Sonny

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Posts posted by Sonny

  1. Words of wisdom from the corporate world.

    a.. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
    using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
    and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fredrick Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

    b.. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
    encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

    c.. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should
    be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat
    Company)

    d.. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
    important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United
    Parcel Service)

    e.. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.

    f.. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
    working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let
    you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

    g.. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that
    only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and
    she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell
    Computers)

    h.. "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing
    executive, Citrix Corporation)

    i.. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
    When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

    j.. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
    going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

    k.. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

    l.. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
    concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)

    m.. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo
    reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in
    one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one
    of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
    committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the
    executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I
    asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?)
    working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

    --
    He who hesitates is probably right.

  2. When we get older we think differently, don't we? This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind ..........especially if you are familiar with the elderly.

     

    Dear Kean Elementary,

     

    God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Springer Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always
    had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
    The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her
    distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she
    could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

     

    Thank you for that opportunity.

     

    Sincerely,

     

    Agnes

    • Haha 1
  3. Funny Signs:
     
     
    In a Japanese hotel room:
    "Please to bathe inside the tub."
     
    In a Tokyo Hotel:
    "Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do
    such thing is please not to read notis."
     
    Outside a country shop:
    "We buy junk and sell antiques."
     
    In a loan company window:
    "Now you can borrow enough money to get completely out of debt."
     
    In the window of a Travel Agency:
    "Please Go Away!"
     
    In a funeral parlor:
    "Ask about our layaway plan."
     
    In an ad for a swimwear store:
    "Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!"
     
    Advertisement at a gas station, between San Francisco and Los Angeles on
    Interstate 5:
    "Kids with gas eat free!"
     
    In a clothing store:
    "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
     
    In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
    "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
     
    In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
    "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
     
    At the dry cleaners:
    "We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."
     
    On a shopping mall marquee:
    "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"
     
    In a repair shop:
    "We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1."
     
    In a department store:
    "Stock up and save!
    Limit one per customer."
     
    In the window of an Oregon store:
    "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
     
    On a Tennessee highway:
    "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
     
    On an Atlantic City hotel restaurant:
    "Have your next affair here."
     
    In a Maine restaurant:
    "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
     
    On the grounds of a public school:
    "No trespassing without permission."
     
    On a radiator repair garage:
    "Best place to take a leak."
     
    In the vestry of a New England church:
    "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
     
    On a roller coaster:
    "Watch your head."
     
    Advertisement for lawn sprinkler system:
    "Dew it yourself."
     
    In a Laundromat::
    "Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."
     
    In front of a New Hampshire car wash:
    "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
  4. Amazing Golf Ball

    These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball."

    He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

    His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!"

    The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

    Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced.

    The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?"

    The man replies, "I found it."

  5. The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

    "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. A few moments passed.

    "An ambulance just drove by."

    A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike."

    A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving." "Jason is on his skate board."

    A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex."

    Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

    "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle too."

  6. Martha Stewart's Way Vs. My Way

    Martha's way #1:
    Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

    My way:
    Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for pete's sake, you are probably laying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. You know we don't have anything better to do.

    Martha's way #2:
    Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

    My way:
    Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

    Martha's way #3:
    To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

    My way:
    Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

    Martha's way #4:
    To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.

    My way:
    Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

    Martha's way #5:
    To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

    My way:
    Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

    Martha's way #6:
    To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet,simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

    My way:
    Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

    Martha's way #7:
    Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

    My way:
    Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

    Martha's way #8:
    When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

    My way:
    Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

    Martha's way #9:
    If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"

    My way:
    If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad.

    My motto:
    I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

    Martha's way #10:
    Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

    My way:
    Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
    Martha's way #11:
    Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

    My way:
    The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I just won't do it.

    Martha's way #12:
    Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

    My Way:
    Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

    Martha's way #13:
    When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

    My Way:
    The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
    Martha's way #14:
    To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

    My way:
    Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

    Martha's way #15:
    Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

    My way:
    Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

    Martha's way #16:
    Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

    My way:
    Who has left over wine? Never happens in this house.

    Martha's way #17:
    If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

    My way:
    Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

    Martha's way #18:
    Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

    My way:
    Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

    Martha's way #19:
    Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China. Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

    My way:
    Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

  7. Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

    Let's face it
    English is a stupid language.
    There is no egg in the eggplant
    No ham in the hamburger
    And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
    English muffins were not invented in England
    French fries were not invented in France.

    We sometimes take English for granted
    But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
    Quicksand takes you down slowly
    Boxing rings are square
    And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
    If the plural of tooth is teeth
    Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
    If the teacher taught,
    Why didn't the preacher praught.

    If a vegetarian eats vegetables
    What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
    Why do people recite at a play
    Yet play at a recital?
    Park on driveways and
    Drive on parkways

    You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
    Of a language where a house can burn up as
    It burns down
    And in which you fill in a form
    By filling it out
    And a bell is only heard once it goes!

    English was invented by people, not computers
    And it reflects the creativity of the human race
    (Which of course isn't a race at all)

    That is why
    When the stars are out they are visible
    But when the lights are out they are invisible
    And why it is that when I wind up my watch
    It starts
    But when I wind up this observation,
    It ends.

  8. Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

    "Yeah," says the other cowboy.

    "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

    Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

    "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

    The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

  9. Psychic Frog

    A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

    The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

    "No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class.

  10. Useful Military Warnings:

    "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

    "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army

    "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

    "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

    "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

    "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

    "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

    "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

    "Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

    "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth

    "If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

    "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

    "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous

    "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit

    "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

    (And lastly)

    "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop

  11. Signs Found In The Kitchen:

    So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!

    Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

    I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

    If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

    I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

    A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.

    My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

    I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

    If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.

    Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse.

    It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.

    A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

    A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

    Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

    Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

    Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

    My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.

    I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.

    Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.

    Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

  12. OCCUPATIONS

    Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

    Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

    Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

    Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

    Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

    Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

    Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

    Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

    Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

    Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

    Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

    Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

    Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

  13. Final Exam

    A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

    "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

    I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

    A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

    The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

    When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand".

  14. BUSINESS:

    A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.

    A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.

    A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.

    A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.

    A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.

    A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.

    A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

    A closed mouth gathers no foot.

    A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle

    A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. - Abba Eban

    A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.

    A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.

    A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.

    A crisis is when you cannot say "let's just forget the whole thing."

    A disagreeable task is its own reward.

    A donkey is a horse designed by a study team.

    A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.

    A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.

    A fool and his money are soon elected.

    A free agent is anything but.

  15. Interesting Quotes:

    When will all the rhetorical questions end? - George Carlin

    I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout. - Joan Rivers

    A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. - Willy Wonka

    Whether you believe you can or believe you can't, you're probably right. - Henry Ford

    Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope

    I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner

    Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. - Harry S. Truman

    Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money. - Groucho Marx

    Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer

    The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights. - John Paul Getty

    Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces. - Judith Viorst

    It takes less time to do a thing right than to explain why you did it wrong. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

    Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington

    A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - Ogden Nash

    The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. - Bertrand Russell

    You make a living by what you get, you make a life by what you give - Winston Churchill

    If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live. - Martin Luther King Jr.

    I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. - Tom Lehrer

    The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. - Ambrose Bierce

    Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. - Anonymous

    There are very few people who don't become more interesting when they stop talking. - Mary Lowry

    The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. - Fran Lebowitz

    All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. - Red Skelton

    Common sense is not so common. - Voltaire

    Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. - Bertolt Brecht

    Always be sincere. Even if you don't mean it. - Harry S. Truman

    It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge. - George Carlin

    First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win. - Mahatma Gandhi

    When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. - Norm Crosby

    Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool. - George Carlin

    You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. - Albert Einstein

    Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them were serious. - Alan Minter (Boxer)

    Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow. - Emo Philips

    A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. - Samuel Goldwyn

    If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck - Elvis Presley

  16. 21 hours ago, Spectre623 said:

    Do you know the Lockheed SN or AF tail # ?  I crewed B models at Clark 69-70.

    It appears to be SAAF 405 which was a C-130B later modified to a C-130BZ , Lockheed S/N 3765 originally assigned to the 28 Squadron.

     

    • Thanks 1
  17. Playing Horse

    Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...

    1. Buying a stronger whip.

    2. Changing riders.

    3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse"

    4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

    5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

    6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

    7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

    8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

    9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.

    10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead".

    11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

    12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

    13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

    14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

    15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

    16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

    17. Declare the horse is now "better, faster and cheaper."

    18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

    19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

    20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

    21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

  18. Interesting Quotes:

    Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

    The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns

    Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

    Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Mayor (of Washington DC) Marion Barry

    By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

    I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

    My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

    I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

    Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential foodgroups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

    My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

    Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

    I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain

    Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was "Shut Up". - Joe Namath

    I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

    I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W.C. Fields

    We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

    Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

    Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller

    By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

    Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate. - George Carlin

    You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. - Mark Twain

    The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. - Hubert Humphrey

    My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives - Rita Rudner

    Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

    A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. - Mark Twain

    Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him. - Aldous Huxley

    If you want to live like a Republican, vote for a Democrat. - Harry S. Truman

    The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney

    Good judgement comes from experience. Experience often comes from bad judgement. - Rita Brown

    An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away. - P. G. Wodehouse

    Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it. - Mark Twain

    Whoever said, "It's not whether you win or lose that counts" probably lost. - Martina Navratilova

    Don't trust nobody but your momma. And even then, look at her real good! - Bo Diddley

    When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren. - Phyllis Diller

    Whenever you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. - Harry S. Truman

    In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is. - Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

  19. Types of computer viruses:

    Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

    Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

    Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

    Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

    AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

    The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

    Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

    Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

    Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

    Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

    Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

    Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

    David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

    Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

    Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

    Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

    Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

    Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

    Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

    Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

    Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

    New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

    Nike virus: Just Does It!

    Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

    Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

    Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

    Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

    Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

    PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

    Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

    Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

    Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

    Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

    Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

    Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

    Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

    Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

    UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

    Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years

  20. There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

    Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

    "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

    "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

  21. Men Vs. Women

    Toys:

    Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

    Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

    Cameras:

    Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.

    Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

    Locker Rooms:

    Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

    Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

    Movies:

    Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.

    Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

    Jewelry:

    Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

    Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

    Conversation:

    Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow, great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size."

    Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

    Leg Warmers:

    Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.

    Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

    Friends:

    Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.

    Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"

    Restrooms:

    Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom.

    Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

  22. A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

    "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

    "That's the same with us," the American said, "Only we see stars, too."

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