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Sonny

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Posts posted by Sonny

  1. Employment History:

    My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

    I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

    I was a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job.

    I worked in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

    I was a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

    I tried to be a chef. I thought it would add a little spice to my life,but I just didn't have the thyme.

    I was a deli worker, but anyway I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

    I was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

    I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

    I worked in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

    I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

    I always wanted to be a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

    I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

    I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

    I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

    I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

    I got a job as a historian but I realized there was no future in it.

    I was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

  2. An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Golden Wedding Anniversary.
     
    "Let's have a big party, Homer," she suggested. "You'll need to kill a pig."
     
    The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
  3.  
    A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
     
    "What is your sin, my child?" the Priest asks.
     
    "Well," the man starts, "I used the 'F'-word today and I feel so terrible."
     
    "Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest.
     
    "Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."
     
    "I'm a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand what you were feeling. So this is when you swore?"
     
    "No Father," said the man, "You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
     
    "And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again.
     
    "No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
     
    "And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
     
    "No, not yet," replied the man, "Just as the eagle was flying away with the squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to the green. And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball."
     
    "Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest.
     
    "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a sand trap and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!" told the man.
     
    The priest sighed, "You missed the putt, didn't you?!! .
    • Thanks 1
  4. When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
    The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day.
    The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."
  5. Even More Ponderings:

    Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

    Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

    Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

    Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

    No one is listening until you make a mistake.

    The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.

    Two wrongs are only the beginning.

    The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    A fool and his money are soon partying.

    Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

    It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

    It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

    Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

  6. Definitions:
     
    Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
     
    Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.
     
    Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall.
     
    Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.
     
    Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.
     
    Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate.
     
    Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
     
    Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living.
     
    Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
     
    Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does.
     
    Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
     
    Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots.
     
    Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians.
     
    Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
     
    Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm.
     
    Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins in Antarctica see.
     
    Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
     
    Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring.
     
    Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife.
     
    Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two.
     
    Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.
     
    Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines.
     
    Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official
  7. Yep..More Ponderings:

    I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

    If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

    What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

    I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

    Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.

    If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

    STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

    Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

    The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

    I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

    If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

    Try a little kindness. As little as possible. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

    I love playing cards with children. They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck.

    Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar...
    Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.

    A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.

    If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.

    A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.

  8. 1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

    2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

    3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    4. A backward poet writes inverse.

    5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.

    6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

    7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

    9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

    10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

    11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

    12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

    13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

    15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

    16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

    17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

    18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

    19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

    20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

    21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

    22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

    24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

    25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

    26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

    27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

    28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

    29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

    30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

  9. Corporate Lingo:

    "COMPETITIVE SALARY"
    We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

    "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
    We have no time to train you.

    "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
    We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

    "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
    You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

    "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
    Some time each night and some time each weekend.

    "DUTIES WILL VARY"
    Anyone in the office can boss you around.

    "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
    We have no quality control.

    "CAREER-MINDED"
    Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

    "APPLY IN PERSON"
    If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

    "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
    We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

    "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
    You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

    "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
    You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

    "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
    You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

    "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
    Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

  10. More Ponderings:

    If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

    Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

    If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

    If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

    I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

    If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

    Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

    If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

    Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

    When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

    Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

    Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

    When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

    Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

    Why are wise man and a wise guy opposites?

    Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

    If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

    Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

  11. Ponderings:
     
    If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
     
    Don`t think that you`re thinking. If you think that you're thinking you only think that you're thinking.
     
    When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
     
    If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?
     
    Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
     
    Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?
     
    If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
     
    Being rich and it don't mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!
     
    Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
     
    Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldn't a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!
     
    Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
     
    People seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. What are they doing? Cramming for finals?
     
    Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
     
    Did Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from!"
     
    I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol.
     
    Everyone has a photographic memory. But some folks don't have film.
     
    When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
     
    I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
     
    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  12. Seven Little Stories...........

    1. Once all villagers decided to pray for rain. On the day of prayer
    all the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella.
    ~ That's FAITH

    2. When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows
    you will catch her.
    ~ That's TRUST

    3. Every night we go to bed without any assurance of being alive the
    next morning but still we set the alarms to wake up.
    ~ That's HOPE

    4. We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the
    future.
    ~ That's CONFIDENCE

    5. We see the world suffering, but still we get married.
    ~ That's LOVE

    6. On an old man's shirt was written a sentence, 'I am not 60 years
    old, I am Sweet 16 with 44 years of experience.
    ~ That's ATTITUDE

    7. One of the things age changes is; At 22 you walk into a bar and
    look around for a nice looking girl to hit on, at 80 you walk in and
    look around to make sure where the toilet is !!
    ~ That's SMART

  13. Things to Think About:

    I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

    Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

    Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

    There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

    Life is sexually transmitted

    An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

    If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

    Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

    The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

    Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

    Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

    Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

    Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

    Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

    All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

    Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

    In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

    Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    • Haha 1
  14. Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"
     
    Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."
     
    "But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.
     
    Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."
  15. On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
     
    "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
     
    The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."
    • Thanks 1
  16. On 12/6/2022 at 7:52 PM, Mt.crewchief said:

    Good ones Sonny, good to see you are still posting the funnies. I think there are some more "old farts" still enjoying them!  do I need to mention that the 35th TAS is still #1  !!!

    You go on believing that if it makes you happy. 21st will always be tops. I hope you have a erry Christmas!!

     

  17. List of Best Sellers:
     
    House Construction
    by Bill Jerome Home
     
    Yellow River
    by Iam Ping
     
    Lewis Carroll
    by Alison Wonderland
     
    Leo Tolstoy
    by Warren Peace
     
    The L. A. Lakers Breakfast
    by Kareem O' Wheat
     
    Why Cars Stop
    by M. T. Tank
     
    Wind in the Willows
    by Russell Ingleaves
     
    Look Younger
    by Fay Slift
     
    Mountain Climbing
    by Andover Hand
     
    It's Springtime!
    by Theresa Green
     
    No!
    by Kurt Reply
     
    And Shut Up!
    by Sid Downe
     
    40 Yards to the Latrine
    by Willy Makeit and Betty Wont
     
    Glass Bikini
    by Seymore Skynn
     
    The French Chef
    by Sue Flay
     
    Tight Situation
    by Leah Tard
     
    Unemployed
    by Anita Job
     
    Off to Market
    by Tobias A. Pigg
     
    I Lived in Detroit
    by Helen Earth
     
    Inflammation, Please
    by Arthur Itis
     
    Handel's Messiah
    by Ollie Luyah
     
    Downpour!
    by Wayne Dwops
     
    Cloning
    by Ima Dubble
     
    Irish Flooring
    by Lynn O'Leum
     
    Holmes Does it Again
    by Scott Linyard
     
    Home Alone IV
    by Eddie Buddyhome
     
    Neither a Borrower
    by Nora Lender Bee
     
    The Scent of a Man
    by Jim Nasium
     
    Is O. J. Guilty?
    by Howard I. Know
     
    Animal Illnesses
    by Ann Thrax
     
    French Overpopulation
    by Francis Crowded
     
    Fallen Underwear
    by Lucy Lastic
  18. A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
     
    This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
     
    In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
     
    In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
    Natural Selection
    That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
    • Thanks 1
  19. Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
     
    Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
     
    A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.
     
    ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''
     
    A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
     
    Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear......I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''
    • Like 1
  20. I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
     
    The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
     
    My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
     
    The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
     
    At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
     
    Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
     
    Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
     
    Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
     
    Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
    A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
     
    But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
     
    I rest my case.
     
    Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
    • Haha 1
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