Sonny

Martha Stewart's Way vs My Way Helpful tips from Martha Stewart, and the way you are most likely to do it. Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for pete's sake, you are probably laying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. You know we don't have anything better to do. Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time. My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag. Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling. My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway? Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing. My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs. Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet,simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop. My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking. Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains. My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers. Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you. Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up" My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes. Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff. Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I just won't do it. Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it. My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"? Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness. My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can. Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away. My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh. Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind. Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. My way: Who has left over wine? Never happens in this house. Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy. My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it. Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water. My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink. Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China. Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary). My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

NOAH TODAY In the year 2014, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Somerset and said: "Once again, the earth has become evil and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a Building Permit." "I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system." "My neighbors claim that I've violated the Neighborhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision." "Then the Local Council and the Electric Company demanded a boat load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it." "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!" "When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space." "Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood." "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew." "Immigration is checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work." "The Trades Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience." "To make matters worse, the Internal Revenue Service seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species." "So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark." "Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to itâ€.

Differences Between You And Your Boss: When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative. When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm. When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. When you please your boss, you're ass-kissing. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

Haunt You An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him, and the old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98 and his wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down and I know he won't ask for directions."

You Might Be A Redneck If: None of your shirts cover your stomach. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels. You go to your family reunion looking for a date. You own a homemade fur coat. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. You think the stock market has a fence around it. You carried a fishing pole into Sea World. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. You think genitalia is an Italian airline. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head. You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater. You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

Spell Checker I halve a spelling checker, It came with my pea see. It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes I dew knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait aweigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the era rite Its rarely ever wrong. I've scent this massage threw it, And I'm shore your pleased too no Its letter prefect in every weigh; My checker tolled me sew.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

The 8-Iron One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

This young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him, "when you first get married, you want it all the time...and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year like maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw You', and I holler back, 'Screw You too!'"

Mark Twain Quotes: Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Buy land, they're not making it anymore. Don't let schooling interfere with your education. Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. All generalizations are false, including this one. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get. But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure. Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places. I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. It is not best that we should all think alike; it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races. Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense. Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we." Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough. The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year. The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become. The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others. Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin. What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation. Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the plane Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about. It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand. Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish. Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar. When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old. When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. Broken pencils are really pointless. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? The saurus. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. I dropped out of Communism class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! The earthquake in Washington was obviously the government's fault. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too. Velcro. What a rip off! The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. Without geometry, life is pointless. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. A backward poet writes inverse. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!' When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons? When chemists die, they barium. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head." Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive." And then there was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. Banning the bra was a big flop. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. Sea captains don't like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. Now it's syncing. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst kind. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O. We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Moderation is a fatal thing. . . . Nothing succeeds like excess. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat. Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women like to be a man's last romance. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards. If man was meant to be nude, he would have been born that way. Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies. A pessimist is one who, when he has a choice of two evils, chooses both. The cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. True friends stab you in the front. The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. I am not young enough to know everything. I love acting. It is so much more real than life. I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. In America, the President reigns for four years, and journalism governs for ever and ever. It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But it is better to be good than to be ugly. The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she'll tell anything. To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. The play was a great success, but the audience was a disaster. The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. The well-bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves. To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune... to lose both seems like carelessness.

Love it.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met! If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it. With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people. "I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know." "Its lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom." "My wife was afraid of the dark, saw me naked, now she's afraid of the light!" "I told my doctor that when I woke up in the morning I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror. He said, 'At least we know your vision is perfect.'" I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

MISTY: How golfers create divots. MORBID: Higher offer MUCUS: A cat swear word. MUNCHKIN: What cannibals do to relatives. NITRATE: Cheaper than day rate. NODE: Was aware of. OUTPATIENT: Person who has fainted after seeing a Doctor's bill. OYSTER: A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. PARADOX: Two physicians. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. PARKING LOT: A place where arguments start from scratch. PECAN: A container to urinate in. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm. POLARIZE: What penguins see with. POLYGON: Who left the cage door open? POST OPERATIVE: Letter carrier. POTASH: All that's left after you smoke the joint. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV. PROTEIN: Favoring young people. PSYCHO-CERAMICS: The study of crackpots. RAMPAGE: Section of a book about male sheep. RATIFY: To use a spell and turn a person into a rodent. REALM: To be charitable ... once again! REBEL: What you have to do when kids don't come to class when first called. RECOUNT: Honorary Title reaffirmed by Floridans. RECOVERY ROOM: Place to do upholstery. RECTANGLE: What the fisherman was left with after his brush with Moby Dick. RECTITUDE: The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. RECTUM: It almost killed him. REDUCE: A messed up point in Tennis, when you were on 'Advantage'. REGATTA: Where the drunkard found himself tonight ... again! RELIEF: What trees do in the spring. RENDER: The Animals that draw Santa's carriage. ROMAN: What you need to do to win the Regatta. RUBBERNECK: What tou can do to relax your wife. SAUNA BATH: A slimming pool. SEAMSTRESS: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does. SUBDUED: A guy that works on submarines. TERMINAL ILLNESS: Sickness at an airport. TESTICLE: A humorous question on an exam. TREASON: What the acorn is to the oak. TUMOR: An extra pair. URINE: Opposite of "you're out"! VARICOSE: Located nearby. WHOLESOME: The only thing from which you can take the whole and still have some left. WISE-CRACK: A comedian with a PHD. YANKEE: The same as a quickie, ...but you can do it by yourself! ZEBRA: Ze cloth which covers ze breasts!

DAMNATION: Beaver country. DANCE: Vertical expression of a horizontal idea. DARE: Not here. DEBUT: De part of the body you must park to be seated. DECAGON: De way you explain how your vehicle was a total washout in an accident. DECAY: De letter which comes after de J. DECLINE: Nudists in formation. DENTIST: A magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket. DEPTH: Height turned upside down. DILATE: To live long. DISGUISE: Such pains. Always troubling dismisses. DINOSAUR: How a giant lizard feels after a tough workout. DISNEYLAND: A people trap operated by a mouse. DOGMA: Affectionate parent of the little s.o.b. DOGMATIC: Run by canine power. DONKEY: Instrument to get you into the godfather's house ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living. ECONOMIST: A person who knows more about money than people who have it. EJACULATE (e-jac-u-late): Jill greeting her boyfriend and informing him he's been tardy again. ENEMA: Not a friend. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy opthalmologist. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FIBULA: A small lie. FICTION: The story told by a completed Income Tax Form ! FINITE: Sir Lancelot. FLATULENCE: The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. FOBIA: The fear of misspelled words. FORUM: In favor of drinking Bacardi. GARGOYLE: An olive flavored mouthwash. GINGER ALE: A drink that feels like your foot when it goes to sleep. GOLD-DIGGER: A sweet young girl with the gift of the grab! HABITUATE: Disgusting Mannerisms.... Smoking for example. HANGING: A suspended sentence. HATCHET: What a hen does to an egg. HEROES: What a guy in a canoe does. HUMBUG: A singing cockroach. ILLEGAL: A sick bird. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INFANTRY: A sapling. INFORMATION: How ducks are supposed to fly! INKLING: A baby fountain pen! INTENSE: Where campers sleep. JOKEY: What a dentist uses when you won't open your mouth. KIDNEY: Midpoint of a child's leg. LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot. LOCOMOTIVE: A crazy reason. LYMPH: To walk with a lisp.

Definitions Of The Obvious A thru C: ABDICATE: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. ABSENTEE: A missing golfing accessory. ACOUSTIC: An instrument used in shooting pool. ACCRUE: People who work on a ship. ADAMANT: The very first Insect. ADORABLE: What you ring when you go visiting. ALARMS: What an octopus is. ALIMONY: The High Cost Of Leaving. ALIMONY: The Fee A Woman Charges For Name-Dropping. ANTIDOTE: The reason Mom's Sister keeps hugging you every time she can catch you. ANTELOPE: Why Grandpa won't forgive Uncle! ANTISOCIAL: Mother's sister being friendly. ANTE MEREDIEM: Thata's why he's my Uncle. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work for McDonald's. ARCHAEOLOGIST: A man whose career lies in ruins. ARTERY: Study of paintings. ASPIRE: Where dead donkeys are cremated. ATLAS: Finally AUSTRALIAN KISS: Same as French Kiss, ... only down under! AVAIL: Piece of cloth that stops woman from looking so ugly. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do. BACTERIA: The rear entrance to a cafeteria. BARIUM: What doctors do when treatment fails. BIOLOGY: Study of shopping habits. BIPLANE: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear. BOYCOTT: His crib.... not hers! BRIDGE: A game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband's bidding BROADBAND: An all girl musical group. BRUISE LEE: Inept martial-arts student. BUDGET: An attempt to live below your yearnings. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with. CAESAREAN SECTION: District in Rome. CANTALOUPE: Got to get married in Church. CARNATION: Country where everybody has a four wheeler. CARAMEL: A motorized camel! CAUTERIZE: Made eye contact with her. CHOOSY BLONDE: One for whom a Tom or a Harry won't do ! CIRCUMVENT: The opening in the front of boxer shorts. CISTERN: Opposite of brothern. CLIMATE: The only thing you can do with a ladder. COFFEE: A person who is coughed upon. CIONSIDE: What most people do when it rains. CONSCIENCE: The thing which hurts when everything else feels good. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate. COUNTERFEITER: Worker who puts together kitchen cabinets. CROSS-EYED TEACHER: A teacher that loses control over her pupils. CROWBAR: Where birds can get a drink.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me. Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution? Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here! Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. Remember men, you are fighting for this lady's honor; which is probably more than she ever did. Say! You haven't stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle! She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party. There's only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook. There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire! Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. Time wounds all heels. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next year. Who are you going to believe, me or your lyin' eyes? Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse. Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do! When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was just whispering in her mouth". Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first. We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters? You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself. Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. Women should be obscene and not heard. Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water! Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! A man's only as old as the woman he feels. If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower. Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife. Blood's not thicker than money. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Don't point that beard at me, it might go off. Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you. Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them. I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home. I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker. I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along. I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere. I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch. Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up. I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something. For thirty years my act consisted of one joke...and then she died. Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years. If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant. First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did. Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money. By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it. Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.'' Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman... or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city. I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it. Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives. You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made. It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children. Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

Henny Youngman Jokes #5 Wife Jokes My wife is an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!" Take my wife, please! I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed? I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me! My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. My wife has a black belt in shopping. My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator. All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair. My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried. My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!" My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree! She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen." Uncategorized Jokes God sneezed. I didn't know what to say to him! 2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!" If I had blood, I'd blush. A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him. I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby. I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads. I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank? Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

Henny Youngman Jokes #4 More Longer Jokes An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a 3 day pass?" So we exchanged tanks! A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, "C-C-C-Come in?" A person asked me, "How do you prepare for the stage?" I told her, "Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles..." Polish Jokes In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!" Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece. Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket. A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe! A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot! Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries. A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out. How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower. A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!" A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!" A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up. Relative Jokes I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him. My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo. My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick". My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. Smart Guy Jokes I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Henny Youngman Jokes #3 Italian Jokes A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off! During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland. Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy! Jewish Jokes A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away. A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." 2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything." Job Jokes If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium. Longer Jokes A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, "How do you like it up here?" The priest says, "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!" A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington, DC. The bride is concerned: "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says, "I'll look for a bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug - "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says, "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!" A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?" A man goes to a barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!" A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?" A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday." A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking." A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!" In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!" A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says, "He had a hat!"

Henny Youngman Jokes #2 Homeless Guys Jokes A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday." I asked, "When's payday?" He said, "I don't know, you're the one who is working!" A bum came up to me saying, "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!" Another bum told me, "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!" Another bum asked me, "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him, "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said, "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!" I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers." Horse Race Jokes I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!" That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable. I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race... Hotel Jokes The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail. There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings! This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked. The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window! Insults "What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!" Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time? You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler. If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. She has a wash and wear bridal gown. You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. The more I think of you, the less I think of you. Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop? Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana? Introductions This man dresses like an unmade bed. Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!" Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face. She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!" His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker. This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.