Sonny

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a 20 dollar bill fell out onto the path. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are 20 dollar bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no," said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, I would make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time a guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me 20, or off it comes.'" "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays."

I also just ordered the book. Just wanted to find out if I did it right all those years ago. Then Ken and I are will compare notes.

Questions to be Answered: Why are outlets electrical but inlets are geographical? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why isn't anything in Wal-Mart free yet, if they're lowering prices every day? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why do they call the airport the terminal, if flying is so safe? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why isn't it called an asteroid instead of a hemorrhoid - it's on your butt! (thanks to Alex Garofalo) Why is dyslexic such a hard word to spell? (thanks to Jordan) Why are the others here, if we are here to help others? Why do you believe it when someone tells you there are four billion stars, but you always check when you see the wet paint sign? Why does lighting an outdoor grill always make the wind blow? Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a chapter 11? Why isn't there butt-flavored cat food? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath is in the bottle, the bubbles are always white? Why do we say "It's colder than hell outside"? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why is the word "lisp" spelled with an "S"? Why do they call it a building when it's already built? Why do you have to buy Barbie's friends, if she's so popular? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat has materialized? Why do we still have apes (if people evolved from apes)? Why is dental floss mint flavored? All I ever taste is blood and chicken. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but he still ducks when someone throws the gun at him? Why do you keep trying to vacuum up that string, and when it doesn't get picked up, you'll pick it up and then put it down to give the vacuum another chance? Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

Wacky Science Facts as told by students: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind. Talc is found on rocks and on babies. The law of gravity says "no fair jumping up without coming back down". When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand. While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction. South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage. Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever. There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days. Lime is a green-tasting rock. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers. We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up. In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's. Clouds are high flying fogs. I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do. Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does. Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe. Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail. Rain is saved up in cloud banks. In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes. Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man. A blizzard is when it snows sideways. A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size. A monsoon is a French gentleman. Thunder is a rich source of loudness. Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound. It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

A couple is lying in bed. Man: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." Woman: "I'll miss you." One of my friends watches a boxing match and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old accountant get hit in the face once and cry. At a nudist colony for intellectuals in England: Two old men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, "I say, old boy, have you read Marx?" The other says, "Yes, it's these wicker chairs." Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? Anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. "Dad, can you do my homework for me?" "No, I'm sorry, it just wouldn't be right." "Well, maybe not, but give it a try anyway!" Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night. One was assaulted. If you don't pay your exorcist, you may get repossessed. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Does fuzzy logic tickle? 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence? Why shouldn't you make an atheist mad? Because he might burn a question mark on your front lawn. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? All computers wait at the same speed. How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game? None. It only takes Tolkiens. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny. Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. Tell me what you need, I'll tell you how to get along without it. Someday, we'll all look back on this and plow into a parked car. Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones. A very religious man fell into the quicksand. Firefighters come by and offer to help, but he says, "No, God will help me." Next come the police, they offer to help. Again the man says, "No, God will help me." He then sinks in the quicksand to his death. In heaven, he asks God why he didn't save him. God says, "What about the firemen and police I sent?" A drummer walks into a music store and says, "I'll buy that accordion over there." The cashier says, "You must be a drummer. That's the radiator." The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. What's brown and sticky? A stick. Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions." Why does a Pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat!

After all is said and done, more is said than done. Any design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development. A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works. If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order. If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. When all else fails, read the instructions. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way. Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it. The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management. A difficult task will be halted near completion by one tiny, previously insignificant detail. There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches. The more knowledge you gain, the less certain you are of it. Technicians are the only ones that don't trust technology. The more you want to contact someone over an instant messenger is inversely proportional to the chances that they will be online. The more important your email is, the worse your email program will screw it up. The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

If you can stay calm while everything around you is chaos, then you probably don't understand the seriousness of the situation. Plagiarism saves a lot of time. If your request was truly urgent I would have done it already. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. Always stay 100% behind your boss. Then it's easier to stab him in the back. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. Please file everything under B, for bulls*@t. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong several times gives you job security. To err is human, to blame someone else shows real management potential. What if they held a meeting - and nobody came? Would nothing still get done? A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Always give 100% at work. 10% Mondays, 20% Tuesdays, 40% Wednesdays, 25% Thursdays, 5% Fridays. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous". Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. Teamwork means never having to take the blame yourself. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he / she is supposed to be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

All you ever needed to know about work: The road to success is always under construction. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and hours are lost. If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will. As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. The first myth of management is that it exists. A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. To err is human, to blame somebody else shows good management skills. New systems generate new problems. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work. Some people manage by the book - even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the manufacturer and impossible for the serviceman. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and will cost the most

Confucius Say... Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper. Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground. One dog barks at something, the rest bark at him. Man who streaks is unsuited for his work. Girl who does everything under the sun gets everything sunburned. Man who places head in sand will get kicked in the end. Man who gets too big for his britches may get exposed in the end. Man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratches rear should not bite fingernails. Man who sinks into woman's arms soon will find arms in woman's sink. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Hourglasses are waste of time. Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ. All men eat, but Fu Man Chu. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left. Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent. If you want pretty nurse, you must be patient. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. Modern house without toilet uncanny. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion.

If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line. If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane. If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame. If you cannot convince them, confuse them. (Harry S. Truman) If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. If you cannot fix it, feature it. If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights! If you cannot measure output, then you measure input. If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos. If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion. If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got. If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it. If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost. If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed. If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly. If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question. If you do not make dust, you eat dust. If you do not say it, they can't repeat it. If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious. If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will. If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is. If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.

25 More Things I Learned From The Movies: No matter how dead you think you’ve killed a bad guy, he can still get up at least three more times. People rarely use the bathroom, and if they do, they’re usually dead within minutes. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. Cemeteries generate their own weather. Usually rainstorms… and not just gentle sprinkles, but biblical downpours. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill — just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings — especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident. Cars that fly off cliffs spontaneously combust in midair for no apparent reason. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired. Close blood relatives usually look nothing like each other, or have only a passing resemblance. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds — unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. An electric fence that’s powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts — your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If you are trapped in a tunnel, in a sinking ship, or a burning building, a cute little girl, a nun, and a feisty granny will be trapped with you. All writers are wealthy; all publishing companies are glamorous; all artists are self-supporting and have large attractive well-lit loft studios. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. If an expert makes a prediction and is disbelieved, then it will come to pass exactly as he predicted. If he makes a prediction and is believed, it won’t happen. If there is a large bump in a downhill road, a speeding car will fly over it and hit the ground in shower of sparks. Unsecured passengers will not be injured, and no tire damage, broken axles, or suspension failures will occur. The car will then execute a sharp turn involving a skid. Dogs always know who’s bad and will naturally bark at them. Text appearing on a computer monitor appears letter by letter and making a sound as if it was produced by a typewriter.

25 Things I Learned From The Movies 1. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. 2. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. 3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. 4. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. 5. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. 6. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness. 7. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. 8. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged. 9. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love. 10. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off. 11. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. 12. A cup of black coffee or a splash of cold water in the face is enough to render the most inebriated person stone cold sober. 13. If you try hard enough, you can outrun an explosion. 14. If you stick your head out of cover during a gun fight, it will never be hit, especially if you look backwards to hold a conversation with someone behind you. 15. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned partners who are their total opposite. 16. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. 17. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 18. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. 19. Computers never display a cursor on screen but always say: Enter Password Now. 20. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off — even while scuba diving. 21. All watches and clocks are synchronized to the second. 22. No matter how fuzzy the photograph, it can be enlarged and enhanced to show the finest detail. 23. Nearly everyone speaks English, no matter where they are from. Even aliens from outer space, despite the fact they have never been to Earth, seen an Earthling, or even heard of Earth or Earthlings. 24. No matter how catastrophic the disaster, pets will always survive it. 25. There will always be a doctor in a plane or building with the right medical supplies.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? As told by famous people: AN ORTHODOX RABBI: It was the Sabbath what was he going to do, drive there? THE POPE: The chicken was motivated to cross the road because he realized that only by doing so could he achieve Salvation. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. GEORGE H. W. BUSH: The chicken saw a thousand points of light and crossed the road. DAN QUAYLE: I had not heard the chicken crossed the roade. PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. RONALD REAGAN: I forget. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2011, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road . It transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? MICHAEL SCHUMACHER; it was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.

tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now. When I was young, I just wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W. I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole! I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called? What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve. A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff. We are all prawns in the game of life.

I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it's just a pigment of their imagination. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? Help Wanted: Telepath; you know where to apply. Look out for #1, and don't step in #2, either. Department of Redundancy Department "If the shoe fits, buy it." - Imelda Marcos It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs. Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf". 3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population. A day for firm decisions! Or is it? A day without radiation is a day without sunshine. A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago. Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. An unemployed court jester is no one's fool. Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough. As I said before, I never repeat myself. As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia. Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people. Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise. Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular. Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events. Clones are people two. Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools. Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary! Do not put statements in the negative form. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected? Don't be a sexist, broads hate that. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Friction can be a drag sometimes. He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester and Keith Moon School of hair styling. Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back! Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy! Honk if you love peace and quiet. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand! Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got. I'd like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else's blood. I couldn't care less about apathy. Drilling for oil is boring

When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails. I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon. If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight? I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. I have a screwdriver in my hand. This is not a drill. Repeat, this is not a drill. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. Dyspraxics are people three. There's no future in time travel. If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines! Polynesia - memory loss in parrots. A good pun is its own reword. Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor? Wear short sleeves; support your right to bare arms! For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. I love cats; they taste just like chicken. I'm hoping to find a cure for my hiccups, but I'm not holding my breath. Lord save me from your followers. Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Some people have a way with words, others not have way. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. All generalizations are false, including this one. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!! If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert. Drink your coffee; there are people in India sleeping.

Glad you enjoy them.

The trouble with life is there's no background music. Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh. Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case. If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands? Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once. Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it? All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. Strip mining prevents forest fires. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem. I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory. The meek shall inherit the earth - after we're through with it. If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Ham and Eggs - A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig. Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career. How much can I get away with and still go to heaven? Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough. Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you. Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home. A closed mouth gathers no foot. The trouble with life is there's no background music. I was only looking at your name tag, honest! Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible. Jesus is coming, so look busy. We have enough youth: how about a fountain of "smart"? Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane. Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do. My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat! Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking? Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid? I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize. Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals." Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior. Death to all fanatics! Chastity is curable, if detected early. Smokers are just like everybody else. Just not as long. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. Somebody who knows how will always have a job. Working for someone who knows why. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed? Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's locked in a cage and that's all you feed him. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence? Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap? If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"? Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages? Would a wingless fly be called a walk? Me and my recliner - we go WAY back. Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked? Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny? Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections? What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread? Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"? I have not yet begun to procrastinate. If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on. The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list. Schizophrenia beats being alone. Can we ever really know when our philosophy assignment is due? I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today. A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Guess I failed at my attempt of humor. bbsoto has the correct answer.

Remember: First you pillage then you burn. To err is human. To forgive is against company policy. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs. Half the people in the world are below average. Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software. You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket. Save the whales: collect the whole set . I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? Atheism is a non-prophet organization. The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician. I intend to live forever - so far so good. Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Two wrongs are only the beginning. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Can a blind person feel blue? Change is inevitable except from vending machines. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

One has on a red belt and one has on a yellow belt.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody elses dog around. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" Contents may have settled out of court. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked. I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats. I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly? I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer. I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter. They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken. A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party. When blondes have more fun, do they know it? Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch. He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine. Well, paint me purple and call me Barney. I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no. The statement following is true. The statement prior is false. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip. He was deader than a shrunken head at a hackey sack festival. I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake. I was more nervous than a ceiling fan store owner with a comb-over. Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody. If you can't convince them, confuse them. All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though. If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down. Here I am! What are your other two wishes? A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career. Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks. Gun Control: Use both hands.

Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard! I bet you I could stop gambling. I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided. I can't get enough minimalism. I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. Do ten millipedes equal one centipede? A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet. The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me. Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it. Take everything in moderation. Including moderation. There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know. Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps. Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please? Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge. If at first you don't succeed, try left field. When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, "I didn't get to where I am today by listening to people like you!" Sacred cows make the best hamburgers. I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me. If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2? I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired. I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York. I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon. Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees. It's not who you know, it's whom you know. There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot". One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?" (thanks to Warren) A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right. Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work. Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat? Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence. Originality is the art of concealing your sources. Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy. Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on

Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery. I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I I've had amnesia as long as I can remember. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut." Evolution: True science fiction. What's another word for "thesaurus"? Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.