Sonny

I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back. Humpty Dumpty was pushed. Nati All generalizations are false. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. If you don't like the news, go out and make some. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want? I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. I can handle pain until it hurts. No matter where you go, you're there. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane. It's been Monday all week. Gravity always gets me down. This statement is false. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them. It's bad luck to be superstitious. According to my best recollection, I don't remember. The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary. Honk if you like peace and quiet. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like, night. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW! Life is too complicated in the morning. We are all part of the ultimate statistic -- ten out of ten die. Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody. Ask me about my vow of silence. The hardness of Butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria. If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! I intend to live forever. So far so good.

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back. 3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. 4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 6. Never answer an anonymous letter. 7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better. 8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours. 10. Few women admit their age; few men act it. 11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat? 12. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"? 15. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes. 17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else. 18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't. 20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? 21. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. 22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it. 23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. 28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. 29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. 30. You can't have everything; where would you put it? 31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? 33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. 34. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 35. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. 36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway. 39. My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states. 40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool. 41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was at the airport waiting for my flight recently, sitting next to a Blond who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news. I was amazed at her empathy for the soldiers. Then... turning to me.... she asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

mongo, Thanks. I will try not to disappoint!

This police officer sees an old lady driving and knitting at the same time, so after driving next to her for awhile he yells to her, "PULLOVER". She replies, "No a pair of socks".

Scars are like tattoos but with better stories. The trouble with trouble is it starts out as fun. I consider on time to be when I get there. If practice makes perfect and nobody’s perfect…….why practice? The last time I reached for the stars I pulled a muscle. Well another day passed and I didn’t use Algebra once. I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you. Everything I say is fully substantiated by my opinion. Here I am. Now what are your other two wishes? If I can’t fix it, it must not be broken. Still crazy after all these beers. It’s not that I lack sympathy, okay maybe it is. Earth is the insane asylum of the universe. If you met my family you would understand. It is what it is………or is it? Grandparents: so easy to operate even a child can do it. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. I can’t brain today. I have the dumb. Dear Algebra; Stop asking me to find your X. She’s not coming back. I’m not bald, I’m just taller than my hair. If you just did what you were told, I wouldn’t have to be so bossy. Never trust an atom, they make up everything.

General Rules 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It?s considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets. 5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ... it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral. DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist. 2 Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you no matter how loud you yell. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds will get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too. 5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Kenny, a teenage redneck who lived near Austin, Texas, bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. But when the farmer drove up the next day he said, "I'm sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "I can't do that. I already went out and spent it." Kenny said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.00." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam. "Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man. "Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

Today in C-130 History 1968-3-3 USAF 50 TAS C-130E 62-1814, c/n 3776, crash I have more pictures but have to scan them to my computer.

Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's Yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years, they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one." So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life - I just want to go home." POOF, she is gone. The redhead makes her wish, "This place sucks, I want to go home too." POOF, she is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "What is the matter?" The blonde said, "I wish my friends were here."

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year ah'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLOOOOOO," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

George 92, and Edith, 89, had been seeing each other for two years when they decided that life was too short and they might as well get married. Excited about their decision to become newlyweds, they went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and what plans needed to be made. Along their way, they found themselves in front of a drugstore. George said to his bride-to-be, Let's go in. I have an idea. They walk to the rear of the store and addressed the man behind the counter: Are you the owner? asked George. The pharmacist answered, Yes, sir, I am. How can I help you? George: Do you sell heart medications? Pharmacist: Of course we do. George: How about support hose for circulation? Pharmacist: Definitely. George: What about medications for rheumatism, osteoporosis, and arthritis? Pharmacist: All kinds. George: How about waterproof furniture pads and Depends? Pharmacist: Yes, sir. George: Hearing aids, denture supplies, and reading glasses? Pharmacist: Yes. George: What about eye drops, sleeping pills, Geritol, Preparation H, and ExLax? Pharmacist: Absolutely. George: You sell wheelchairs, walkers, and canes? Pharmacist: All kinds and sizes. Why all these questions? George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith, and replied to the pharmacist, We've decided to get married and we'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry.

Thanks. Interesting for us old guys (me) who got out of the AF when there were only A's, B's and E's.

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room when he says to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, pull the plug.†His wife nods understandingly then promptly gets up, unplugs the TV and throws out all his beer.

In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!" The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

FredG, Thanks!!

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here."

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Texas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little s**t on your lap."

Some kids were stealing watermelons from a local farmer's watermelon patch. So the farmer made a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids showed up and saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." The kids ran off, made their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's. That morning the farmer saw that no watermelons were missing. Then he saw the sign next to his which read, "Now there are two!"

HELL EXPLAINED The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well: Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Giz, it's not us eastern Marylanders, it's the crooked politicians that think of all of us as revenue. I wrote to Prince Georges County and asked them when some of our services would be reinstated since some of the crooks were now in jail there must be more money in the coffers. So far I haven't gotten an answer.