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Aero Precision provides OEM part support for military aircraft operators across more than 20 aircraft

Sonny

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Everything posted by Sonny

  1. It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked. "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
  2. One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 50 minutes late: “It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two.” The boss eyed him suspiciously, “Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?” “I finally gave up,” he said, “and started for home.”
  3. I hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving!!
  4. Ken, Let me know the cost. I would be willing to pay part/all of the cost. Sonny
  5. If you are from D.C. you'll understand these rules. If you are coming here, you'll learn these rules. If you are just going to visit, give up. Read, enjoy and then destroy them. 1) First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is D.C., or "the District". Only tourists call it Washington. 2) Next, if your road map of Montgomery County in Maryland is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If in Loudoun or Fairfax County, Virginia and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete. 3) There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the BW (Baltimore-Washington) Parkway. 4) All directions start with "The Beltway"...whic­h has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an "inner" and 'outer loop' designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the Beltway. 5) The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound. 6) If there is a ball game at the FedEx Field, there is no point in driving anywhere near PG County. 7) Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro or Fort Washington. They'll blow a vessel in their neck and go into a seizure. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at. If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 picture you will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages, none of them English.) 9) Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers. Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the Giant for toilet paper and milk. 10) Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an "Interstate" but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick. (Unless you consider Montgomery County another state, which some do). Opening in the '60s, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a "Spur" section which is even more confusing. 11) All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Takoma Park or Greenbelt". 12) If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, a tourist. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. Heed the warning. 13) All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World. 14) Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don't ask why no one knows. 15) CENSORED 16) If you stop to ask directions in Southeast D.C... well, just don't. 17) A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks will cost you $16.75. (It's a zone thing, you wouldn't understand) (Oh, and if you are in DC and want to go to MD, don't tell them until you get in the car...they won't take you otherwise) 18) Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do and when you hit it, you will wonder why the section of this road called "the Mixing Bowl" is so named. After all, there is no mixing there, heck, there is no movement at all. 19) There is nothing more comforting than seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!! 20) The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy. 21) The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show. Strap up and collect points as you go. 22) The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting­ Marylander would ever be caught driving in the "slow" lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also. 23) The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official "chat" lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. Note: All mini-vans have priority clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in. 24) If it's 10 degrees, it's Orioles' opening day. If it's 110 degrees, it's the Skins opening day. 25) If the humidity is 90+ and the temperature is 90+, then it's May, June, July, August and sometimes September
  6. I vaguely remember this. I sure wish I had a copy of one. Thanks, Ken!!
  7. Today is the 50th anniversary (Nov. 24,1969) of the date my plane, C-130A tail number 56-0533, was shot down over Laos during a Blind Bat flare mission.
  8. Sonny

    Laws

    Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time) Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
  9. At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements. She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "For sex sex, wan free sex, for tonigh free." I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!" A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Don't get excited. What she said was: 466 136 4293!"
  10. At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee." "I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled,"volunteered a third. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive."
  11. Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade. Utkarsh: "What are you doing these days?" Sparsh: "PHD." Utkarsh: "Wow! You're a doctor!" Sparsh: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."
  12. The New Alphabet A is for Apple, and B is for Boat, That used to be right, But now it won't float! Age before Beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead. Now... A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather not mention. H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget ! what comes next N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow! P for prescription's, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R for reflux, one meal turns to two. S for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears! U is for urinary; big troubles with flow; V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know. W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Y is another year. I'm left here behind, Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind. I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, And I've kept twenty-six 'doctors' fully employed!!!
  13. The Black Bra (as told by a woman): I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.. Here's how it all went. My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?
  14. Sonny

    The Robber

    The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.” “And why was that?” said the judge “Because my wife wanted a dress.” “But why three nights in a row!” "She made me exchange it two times.”
  15. A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
  16. Two potatoes were standing on the corner, how do you know which one was the prostitute ? The one with label that says IDAHO
  17. Wish I had a nickle for every time I heard this!!!
  18. A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses". The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It is an old Indian name. It means ...." "NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG
  19. Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.' 'It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.' 'Oh, that would be wonderful,' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.' 'Oh, thank you! Thank you,' cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me.' So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either an accountant, or possibly someone in senior management.'
  20. While shopping for vacation clothes, a husband and wife passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought her husband's advice. "What do you think?" she asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
  21. Sonny

    One Liners

    If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic. If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it. If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology. If it doesn't work, expand it. If it happens, it must be possible. If it is good, they will stop making it. If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics. If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money. If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true. If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. If it works, don't fix it! If idiots could fly, this world would be an airport. If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault. If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges. If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.
  22. Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$ 100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time . ! Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.
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