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Sonny

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Everything posted by Sonny

  1. 7 Word Obituary: A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries." Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale.'"
  2. Sonny

    Happy Easter!

    Right back at ya!!!!
  3. A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "Only we see stars, too."
  4. Two roofers, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying shingles, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. "I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder." "What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light." "What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."
  5. When Santa came home, his wife, Jeeto, was crying. "Your mother insulted me," Jeeto sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the country?" Santa asked. "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious." "And?" "At the end of the letter it said, 'Dear Jeeto, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son.'"
  6. Trainee cowpoke More than anything, dull Dennis wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance. "This," he said, showing Dennis is a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows." "I see, said Dennis, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"
  7. At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"
  8. Sonny

    My Plane

    During a readiness exercise, two Air Force security policemen were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where aircraft were kept. When a pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, one of the Air Force security policemen asked him for it. "I don't see why I have to show you my ID," the pilot snapped. "After all, it is my plane." "Sir, with all due respect, it may be your plane," replied the Air Force security man, "but it's sitting in my garage!"
  9. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, they call it golf.
  10. Sonny

    One liners

    A boiled egg is hard to beat. A calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. He had a photographic memory, which was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses
  11. People Say the Strangest Things: These phrases were culled from the small ad columns of local newspapers in the UK and the USA. Semi-annual after-Christmas sale. Auto repair service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you' ll never go anywhere again. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $10.00. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Tattoos done while you wait. Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. Wanted: Mother's helper - peasant working conditions. Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo? Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
  12. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Reading while sunbathing makes you well red . When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give-away.) In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  13. A bribe for your professor: A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.
  14. Defining IRS Form 1040 For those of you who are not familiar with US tax forms, "Form 1040" is the most common of the US Federal tax forms. Most people file one of the several versions of this form. Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040? Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.
  15. A touchy-CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked, "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?" The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil."
  16. A drunk woman leapt into a taxi stark naked. Sachin, the Indian cab driver made no attempt to drive off. "What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" "I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..." "Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?" "Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?!"
  17. Funny Beer Quotations Beauty is in the hands of the beer holder. - Anonymous My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. - Henry Youngman Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony. - Robert Benchley Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working. - Harold Rudolph Apparently it was the accepted practice in Babylonia [now southern Iraq] 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the 'honey month' - or what we know today as the 'honeymoon'. You know what alcoholics call New Year's Eve? Amateur night. - Elmore Leonard Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. - William Butler Yeats 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. - Stephen Wright
  18. Jennie was sitting at the defendant's table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand. The lawyer asked, 'When you stopped the defendant, Jennie, were your red and blue lights flashing?' 'Yes, sir, they were.' 'Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?' 'Yes, sir, she did.' 'And,' looking at Jennie, 'what was it the defendant said?' 'She said, "What disco am I at?''
  19. A mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake fluid at lunch. "What are you doing, man? You can't drink that stuff!" "Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time." "Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!" "Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want."
  20. These Notes Were Left in Milk Bottles : Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant. Dear milkman I've just had a baby, please leave another one. Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk. Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it. Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it. Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk. Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today. Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole. Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks. Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round. When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress. Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea? More Examples of Milkman Jokes - Funny Notes Left in Milk BottlesFunny milkman notes My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle? Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me. From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk. Cancel one pint after the day after today. My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight. Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday. When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk. No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
  21. A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?' The first man approached him and said, 'Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?' The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied........ 'My wife's first husband
  22. Sonny

    Whiskey

    A Congressman in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. 'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'
  23. Things Never Said by Rednecks -- Duct tape won't fix that. -- Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. -- We don't keep firearms in the house. -- You can't feed that to the dog. -- The kids can't ride in the back of the pickup -- it's just not safe. -- Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? -- We're vegetarians. -- Do you think my gut is too big? -- Honey, we don't need another dog. -- Who's Richard Petty? -- We could just share a small bag of pork rinds .-- Too many deer heads detract from the decor .-- I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today .-- Is there anything in this restaurant that's NOT fried? -- The tires on that truck are too big. -- I've got it all on the C drive. -- There's too much sugar in this tea. -- Checkmate. -- I believe you cooked those greens too long
  24. A Telephone Salesman telephoned a household, and a four-year-old boy answered. The conversation went thus: Salesman: May I speak to your mother? Boy: She's not here. Salesman: Well, is anyone else there? Boy: My sister. Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her? Boy: I guess so. At this point there was a very long silence on the phone. Then: Boy: Hello? Salesman: It's you. I thought you were going to call your sister. Boy: I did. But I can't get her out of the playpen
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