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Sonny

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Everything posted by Sonny

  1. Wish I had a nickle for every time I heard this!!!
  2. A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses". The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It is an old Indian name. It means ...." "NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG
  3. Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.' 'It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.' 'Oh, that would be wonderful,' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.' 'Oh, thank you! Thank you,' cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me.' So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either an accountant, or possibly someone in senior management.'
  4. While shopping for vacation clothes, a husband and wife passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought her husband's advice. "What do you think?" she asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
  5. Sonny

    One Liners

    If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic. If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it. If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology. If it doesn't work, expand it. If it happens, it must be possible. If it is good, they will stop making it. If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics. If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money. If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true. If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. If it works, don't fix it! If idiots could fly, this world would be an airport. If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault. If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges. If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.
  6. Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$ 100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time . ! Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.
  7. ADULT TRUTHS: #22 is one of my favorites!! 1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? YES!!!!! 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories. 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay. 17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. 22. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
  8. Sonny

    Him/Her

    HIM: Can I buy you a drink? HER: Actually I'd rather have the money. HIM: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours HER: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. HIM: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? HER: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. HIM: Will you go out with me this Saturday? HER: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. HIM: Your face must turn a few heads. HER: And your face must turn a few stomachs. HIM: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out. HER: Okay, get out. HIM: I think I could make you very happy. HER: Why? Are you leaving? HIM: What would you say if I asked you to marry me? HER: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. HIM: Can I have your name? HER: Why? Don't you already have one? HIM: Where have you been all my life? HER: Hiding from you. HIM: Haven't I seen you some place before? HER: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore. HIM: Is this seat empty? HER: Yes and this one will be if you sit down. HIM: So, what do you do for a living? HER: I'm a female impersonator. HIM: Hey baby what's your sign? HER: Do not enter. HIM: Your body is like a temple. HER: Sorry, there are no services today. HIM: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. HER: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing . HIM: Where have you been all my life? HER: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams
  9. A teacher notices that a little boy (aka Little Johnny) at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. She goes over to him , only to find him sitting at his desk with his Thingy hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says. "I did" Little Johnny says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
  10. "The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don''t want to try these techniques at home.". "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.. "I watched my wife''s routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets,often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ''Hon, why don''tyou try carrying several things at once?''". "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
  11. Sonny

    The Jockey

    The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey. "Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?" "Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."
  12. For All You Lexophiles (Lovers of Words): 1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 17. Every calendar's days are numbered. 18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine. 19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 21. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 29. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
  13. Mickey stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?" Mickey says, "In the car." Paddy says, "That's the quickest way!"
  14. The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
  15. |Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".
  16. A very elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid nineties, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave. He presents a very well looked after image. Seated at the bar is an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid eighties). The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a Manhattan. He takes a sip. He slowly turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
  17. There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her husband to the store...because he spoke English.
  18. Try this: fredriko61@telia.com
  19. Sonny

    Stuff

    I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number? Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that. I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night. Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye. You're not fat, you're just... easier to see. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?” My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
  20. Sonny

    The Duel

    Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. “Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.” “Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.” “I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”
  21. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven? The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's Sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
  22. Jake had proposed to young Gina, and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. “Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?” the older man asked the suitor. “Yes, Sir,” replied Jake, “I’m sure I am.” “Think carefully now,” said Gina’s father. “There are twelve of us…”
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