Sonny's Funnies
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Are You a Cop While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
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While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
Last reply by Sonny, -
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."
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Bob: "So, you say that you won the argument with your wife yesterday." Joe: "Yes, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees." Bob: "Really? What did she say?" Joe: "Come out from under the bed, you coward.
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Arizona Crazy Laws 1. It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling. 2. Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West. 3. There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus. 4. When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses. 5. Hunting camels is prohibited. 6. Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs. 7. It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water. 8. Cars may not be driven in rever…
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Arizona's Crazy Laws You may not have more than two dildos in a house. Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West. Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com! There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus. When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses. Hunting camels is prohibited. Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs. It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water. Glen…
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Arkansas Crazy Laws A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise. Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com! Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs. The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw" A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot. Fayetteville Dogs may not bark after 6 PM. It is illegal to kill "any living creature". It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after …
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The Army psychiatrist wanted to be sure that the newly enlisted rookie was perfectly normal. Suspiciously he said: “What do you do for social life?†“Oh,†the man blushed, “just sit around mostly.†“Hmmmm—never go out with girls?†“Nope.†“Don’t you ever want to?†The man was uneasy. “Well, yes, sort of.†“Then, why don’t you?†“My wife don’t let me sir.†* * * *
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Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.' The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.' The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish.' So the old farmer went about his chores. It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer…
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As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People." 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. 5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.…
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As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Deleted by me!!! 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. 5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 8. A husband is someone wh…
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There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The third …
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It was one of those mountain roads and the tourist stopped to ask directions from a native. “Pardon me, sir,†said the stranger, “can you tell me where this road goes?†“Well,†said the hillbilly, “it just moseys along a piece, then it turns into a hog trail, then a squirrel track, and finally runs up a scrub pine and ends in a knothole.†* * *
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A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?" The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son." The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son." Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" "Of course no…
Last reply by Sonny, -
On his first trip to a town of any size, the mountain man was fascinated by the asphalt streets. Scraping his feet on the hard surface, he remarked to his son, “well, I declare, I can’t say as I blame ‘em fer buildin’ a city here. Ground’s too durned hard to plow!†* * *
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Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises. So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go. Noon comes, no dictator... 10 minutes longer... no dictator. One assassin turns to the other and says, "Gee, I hope nothing happened to him."
Last reply by Sonny, -
Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises. So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go. Noon comes, no dictator... 10 minutes longer... no dictator. One assassin turns to the other and says, "Gee, I hope nothing happened to him."
Last reply by Sonny, -
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At the Dentist: I had to go to the dentist -- very scared of the dentist. I go into the office, and I'm waiting. A little kid comes out, and he's crying. The dentist bends over and gives him a lollipop. I'm like, 'Don't take that, man. That's what got you in here in the first place.'
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Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.†After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, " $550.00"
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An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope." Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom; undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." …
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A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap, it was one of the SPECS cameras that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $100 dollars and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of a $100 dollar bill. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $100
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They just opened up http://aviationhumor.net/ yesterday. Some pretty funny stuff. Here's one ya'll might like. While taxiing out in sequence behind a Lufthansa airliner at Frankfurt, a C-130 crew noticed an orange “Remove before flight†streamer hanging out of the Lufthansa nose wheel well (their nose gear locking pin was still installed). Not wanting to cause too much embarrassment by going thru the controller, the 130 crew simply called the Lufthansa aircraft on the tower frequency: “Lufthansa aircraft, Herky 23.†No reply. They repeated the transmission and again there was no reply. Instead, the Lufthansa pilot called the tower and asked the tower to tell the…
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A conductor stumbled twice over the foot of a small boy. Looking back at the mother, the conductor said: “Some people seem to have very awkward children.†“Yes,†said the mother; “I was just thinking your mother had one.†* * *
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A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "yes she did." "Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Hav…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Baby Names
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One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him. "Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids." "What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?" "He named your …
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