Sonny's Funnies
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Last summer John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," John said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep, think and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now." "Well, as long as we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker." "I see," John replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your left wrist straight on your follow-thro…
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
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Wisconsin Crazy Laws: At one time, margarine was illegal. As people used to smuggle it in from Illinois, all yellow butter substitute is banned. You must manually flush all urinals in a building. While all cheese making requires a license, Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker's license. Whenever two trains meet at an intersection of said tracks, neither shall proceed until the other has. State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese. Citizens may not murder their enemies. It is illegal to cut a woman's hair. It is illegal to kiss on a train. Butter substitutes are not a…
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Reasons to allow drinking at work: The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol. 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 10. It …
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Business one-liners 67 & 68: If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less. If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once. If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine. If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right. If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent. If the assumpti…
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Business one-liners 69 & 70: If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. If you are coasting, you're going downhill. If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both. If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes. If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line. If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane. If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame. If …
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My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week". We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him". We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LA…
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Please copy and paste this to your status if you're constantly being asked to copy and paste things to your status by friends who copy and paste things to their status. Many people won't copy and paste this, but my true sarcastic friends will copy and paste it because they know this was copied and pasted from a dear friend in need of more stuff to copy and paste; and if you don't copy and paste it, then this means you hate Jesus, kittens, and puppies, and bacon. And if you hate bacon, the terrorists win.
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Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard! I bet you I could stop gambling. I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided. I can't get enough minimalism. I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. Do ten millipedes equal one centipede? The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me. Those that forget the pasta are doomed to rehea…
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Business one-liners 92& 93: Only a bureaucracy can fight a bureaucracy. Only a fool can reproduce another fool's work. Only a mediocre person is always at their best. Only them as knows their own...knows. Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible. One test is worth a thousand expert opinions. Old age is always fifteen years older than you are. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. …
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Business one-liners 96 & 97: Two monologues do not make a dialogue. Two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know. Two wrongs are only the beginning. Unemployment helps stretch your coffee break. Unless absolutely essential, borrowing to buy a depreciating asset is dumb. Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal. Urgency varies inversely with importance. Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation for being useful. Virtue is its own punishment. Wasting time is an important part of living. Business one-liners 97: We all want progress, but if yo…
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1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 2. Can fat people go skinny-dipping? 3. Can you be a closet claustrophobic? 4. Why is the word abbreviation so long? 5. Is it possible to be totally partial? 6. What's another word for thesaurus? 7. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? 8. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? 9. When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in? 10. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 11. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? 12. If the cops arrest a mime, do they …
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More Ponderings: The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray! A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes ca…
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Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun." "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift superviso…
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A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
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A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....." She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING…
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Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"
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Oregon Crazy Laws: Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing. Ice cream may not be eaten on Sundays. Dishes must drip dry. It is illegal to buy or sell marijuana, but it is legal to smoke it on your own property. You may not pump your own gas in service stations. The "Peer Review Statute" prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment. Not even a court of law can. All you can access is what the doctor or nurse voluntarily records in your chart. One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," i.e.,that which covers one's body from neck to knee. Beaverton You must…
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Wyoming Crazy Laws: You may not take a picture of a rabbit during the month of June. It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs people's view in a public theater or place of amusement. It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking. Cheyenne Citizens may not take showers on Wednesdays.
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Business one-liners 09 & 10: All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. All work and no play, will make you a manager. Almost everything in life is easier to get into than to get out of. Always hire a rich attorney. Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn! Always try to stop talking before people stop listening. Am I good at delegating? You Bet! I always find someone to blame! Ambiguity is invariant. …
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Business one-liners 84 & 85 Murphy was an optimist. My client(sponsor/customer) doesn't know what he wants. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. Nature is a mother. Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can. Needs are a function of what other people have. Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference. Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price. Never be first to do anything. Never be last. Business one-liners 85 Never bet on a loser because you think his luck is about to change. Never buy from a rich salesman. Never do anything you wouldn't be caught dead …
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Ever Wonder... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why "abbreviated" is such a long word? Why doctors call what they do "practice"? Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows? Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dish washing liquid is made with real lemons? Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor? Why they sterilize the needle for lethal inject…
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Rita Rudner's Facts About Men: Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels o…
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Arizona's Crazy Laws You may not have more than two dildos in a house. Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West. Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com! There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus. When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses. Hunting camels is prohibited. Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs. It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water. Glen…
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Jake had proposed to young Gina, and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. “Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?” the older man asked the suitor. “Yes, Sir,” replied Jake, “I’m sure I am.” “Think carefully now,” said Gina’s father. “There are twelve of us…”
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