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Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard!
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.
I can't get enough minimalism.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.
There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.
Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.
Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
If at first you don't succeed, try left field.
When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, "I didn't get to where I am today by listening to people like you!
Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.
I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.
If #2 pencils are the most popular, why are they still #2?
I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.
I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.
It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".
One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?"
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.
Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?
Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
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