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The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.
Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.
If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?
Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
The meek shall inherit the earth - after we're through with it.
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Ham and Eggs - A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
I was only looking at your name tag, honest!
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.
Jesus is coming, so look busy.
We have enough youth: how about a fountain of "smart"?
Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.
Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.
My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."
Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior.
Death to all fanatics!
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Smokers are just like everybody else. Just not as long.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Somebody who knows how will always have a job. Working for someone who knows why.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.
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