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I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Remember: First you pillage then you burn.
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.
Half the people in the world are below average.
Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket.
Save the whales: collect the whole set .
I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.
You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.
Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead.
My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
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