20 things I've learned in 50 years (by Dave Barry)

[Sonny]

The federal government’s most valuable function is entertainment.

Never even remotely suggest to a woman that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

A penny saved is worthless.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

One factor uniting all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday, and that time is age 11.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Nobody is normal.

At least once each year, some group of scientists will become excited and announce that:

• The universe is even bigger than they thought!

• There are even more subatomic particles than they guessed!

• Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

No matter what happens, somebody will take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, this individual is crazy.

Your friends love you anyway.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.