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Thank you for calling the Mental Health Clinic


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Hello - and thank you for calling the Mental Health Clinic. Please select from the following menu options:

If you're obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you're co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you're paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you're delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you're schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you're manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you're dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you're bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you're menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down, and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you're blonde, don't press any buttons; you'll just mess it up.

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