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Groucho Marx Quotes #2


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I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me.

Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Remember men, you are fighting for this lady's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.

Say! You haven't stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

There's only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Time wounds all heels.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next year.

Who are you going to believe, me or your lyin' eyes?

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was just whispering in her mouth".

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

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