Jump to content

Sonny

Members
  • Posts

    2,951
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    76

Posts posted by Sonny

  1. The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"

    The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

    The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

    A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

    The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

    The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

    The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

    The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

    To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

  2. BUMPER STICKERS:

    Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

    Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

    And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

    Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

    I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

    Allow me to introduce my selves.

    Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

    Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

    I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

    Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

    I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

    I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

    I'm supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?

    You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

    Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

    Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

    Earth is full. Go home.

    Is it time for your medication or mine?

    Nyquil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

    How do I set a laser printer to stun?

    Getting on your feet means getting off your butt.

    I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

    If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

    First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.

    In dog years, I'm dead!

    South Korea's got Seoul!

    Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

  3. As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
     
    As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
     
    Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
     
    "Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
  4. Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

    As told by famous people:

    AN ORTHODOX RABBI: It was the Sabbath what was he going to do, drive there?

    THE POPE: The chicken was motivated to cross the road because he realized that only by doing so could he achieve Salvation.

    PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

    GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

    BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

    MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

    GEORGE H. W. BUSH: The chicken saw a thousand points of light and crossed the road.

    DAN QUAYLE: I had not heard the chicken crossed the road.

    PLATO: For the greater good.

    ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

    KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

    TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

    JOE BIDEN: I forget.

    CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

    HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

    MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

    MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

    FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

    RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

    MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

    JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

    FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

    BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2011, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.

    OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

    CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

    EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

    BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

    RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road . It transcended it.

    ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

    COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

    MICHAEL SCHUMACHER; it was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.

  5. Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard!

    I bet you I could stop gambling.

    I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.

    I can't get enough minimalism.

    I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

    Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?

    The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

    I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

    I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

    Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

    Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

    There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

    Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

    Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

    Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

    If at first you don't succeed, try left field.

    When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, "I didn't get to where I am today by listening to people like you!

    Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

    I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.

    If #2 pencils are the most popular, why are they still #2?

    I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

    I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.

    I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

    Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.

    It's not who you know, it's whom you know.

    There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

    One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?"

    A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

    A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

    Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

    Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

    Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?

    Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

    Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

    Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

    All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

    Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.

    How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

  6. :
    My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
    I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
    I was a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job.
    I worked in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
    I was a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
    I tried to be a chef. I thought it would add a little spice to my life,but I just didn't have the thyme.
    I was a deli worker, but anyway I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
    I was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
    I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
    I worked in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
    I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
    I always wanted to be a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
    I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
    I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
    I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
    I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
    I got a job as a historian but I realized there was no future in it.
    I was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
  7. Actual Newspaper Headlines:
    Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming
    Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During Murder Trial
    Reason for More Bear Sightings: More Bears
    Actor Sent to Jail for Not Finishing Sentence
    Tiger Woods Play With Own Balls, Nike Says
    Fireproof Clothing Factory Burns to Ground
    Astronomers See Colorful Gas Clouds Bubble Out of Uranus
    Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
    Sex Offender Says Registering Will Hurt His Reputation
    Psychics Predict World Didn't End Yesterday
    Eye Drops Off Shelf
    Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons
    Jane Fonda to Teens: Use Head to Avoid Pregnancy
    Specialist: Electric Chair Can Be "Extremely Painful"
    Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden
    Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-Free
    Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
    Man Tries Armed Robbery with Knife in Gun Store
    Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
    Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25
    Air Board to Study Fast Food Emissions
    Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
    Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing
    State Prisons to Replace Easy Open Locks
    Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
    British Study Finds Less Traffic When Roads Close
    Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
    Gators to Face Seminoles with Peters Out
    Young Marines Make Tasty Christmas Treats
    Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
    Farmer Bill Dies in House
    Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
    Hirohito's Body Moved
    Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
    Complaints About NHL Referees Growing Ugly
    Stolen Painting Found by Tree
    Stud Tires Out
    Air Head Fired
    Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based
    Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
    Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
    Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
    Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
    Men Recommend More Clubs for Wives
  8. Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
     
    His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
     
    Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
     
    They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
     
    'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
     
    'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
     
    Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
  9. Today's Ponderings:
    Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
    Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
    How can there be self-help "groups"?
    How do you get off a non-stop flight?
    How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
    How many weeks are there in a light year?
    If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
    If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
    If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
    If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
    If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
    If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
    If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
    If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
    If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
    If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
    If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
    Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
    Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
  10. What Makes 100%?

    What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

    Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

    We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

    Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

    If:
    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
    is represented as:
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

    Then:
    H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
    and
    K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
    But,
    A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
    And,
    B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
    AND,
    look how far ass kissing will take you.
    A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
    1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

    So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

  11. Definitions:
     
    Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
     
    Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.
     
    Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall.
     
    Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.
     
    Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.
     
    Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate.
     
    Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
     
    Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living.
     
    Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
     
    Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does.
     
    Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
     
    Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots.
     
    Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians.
     
    Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
     
    Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm.
     
    Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins in Antarctica see.
     
    Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
     
    Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring.
     
    Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife.
     
    Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two.
     
    Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.
     
    Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines.
     
    Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official
  12. Interesting Questions:

    Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

    If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

    When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

    Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?

    Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

    Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

    Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

    Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

    Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

    Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

    Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

    How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

    When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you idiot?"

    Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

    In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

  13. 1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
    2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
    3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    4. A backward poet writes inverse.
    5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
    6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
    7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
    8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
    9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
    10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
    11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
    12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
    13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
    14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
    15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
    16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
    17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
    18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
    19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
    20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
    21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
    22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
    23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
    24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
    25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
    26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
    27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
    28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
    29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
    30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
     
     
     
  14. RETIREMENT OPTIONS:

    You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...
    1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
    2. You've experienced condensation on your behind from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
    3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
    4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
    5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
    6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

    OR
    You can retire to California where...

    1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
    2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
    3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
    4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
    5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
    6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

    OR
    You can retire to New York City where...

    1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....
    2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
    Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
    3. You think Central Park is "nature."
    4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
    language makes you multi-lingual.
    5. You've worn out a car horn. ( IF you have a car).
    6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

    OR
    You can retire to Minnesota where...

    1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup
    2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
    3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
    4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
    5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
    6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is
    different or It was different!

    OR
    You can retire to the Deep South where...

    1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
    2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
    3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
    4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty
    Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.
    5. Everywhere is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder"

    OR
    You can retire to Colorado where...

    1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
    2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
    3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
    4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

    OR
    You can retire to Wyoming where...

    1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
    2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor
    or cattle to cross the road.
    3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
    4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at.

    OR
    FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...

    1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
    2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
    3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
    4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
    5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people

  15. THE ARROGANCE OF OLD AGE:

    Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the liquor store.

    I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home

    I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

    It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts, and a light top which was wide open.

    She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

    With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I’m a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

    I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?"

  16. You Guessed It! More Ponderings:

    How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

    Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

    You know how most packages say "Open here".What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

    Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers?

    Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
    Shouldn't they be called builts?

    Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

    Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

    Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

    Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ?

    The light went out, but where to ?

    Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

    Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?

    How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are?

    Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?

    Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

    Why is the alphabet in that order?

    If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

    If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

  17. More Ponderings:
    What would we have called the color orange if it wasn't a fruit?
     
    After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
     
    How can there be self-help "groups"?
     
    If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
     
    If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
     
    If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
     
    If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
     
    Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
     
    Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
     
    It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
     
    We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
     
    The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
     
    It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
     
    Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
     
    You can't have everything, where would you put it?
     
    Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
     
    If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
  18. Think About It:

    I had amnesia once - or twice.

    Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

    All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

    I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

    If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

    What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

    They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.

    Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway.

    Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

    Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

    What if there were no hypothetical questions?

    One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

    When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

    A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.

    What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

    The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

    How can there be self-help "groups"?

    Is there another word for synonym?

    Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

    Is it possible to be totally partial?

    Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

    If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

    Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

    It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

    Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

  19. Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"
     
    Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."
     
    "But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.
     
    Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."
    • Haha 1
  20. Definitions Male/Female:
     
    1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
    a. female...Any part under a car's hood.
    b. male...The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
     
    2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
    a. female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
    b. male...Playing any sport without a "cup."
     
    3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
    a. female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
    b. male...Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
     
    4. BUTT (but) n.
    a. female...The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
    b. male...What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning.
     
    5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
    a. female...A desire to get married and raise a family.
    b. male...Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
     
    6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
    a. female...A good movie, concert, play or book.
    b. male...Anything that can be done while drinking.
     
    7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
    a. female...An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
    b. male...An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.
     
    8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
    a. female...A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
    b. male...A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.
     
    19. FOOTBALL (fut-bol) n.
    a. female...An annoying 6 month long competition for a partner's attention.
    b. male...6 months off from spending time with what's her name.
    • Haha 1
  21. An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.
     
    "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."
     
    "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
     
    "The gentleman was your doctor."
    • Thanks 1
  22. Murphy's Laws of Computing

    1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

    2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

    3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

    4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

    5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

    6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

    7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

    8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

    9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

    10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

    11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

  23.  
     

    GREAT MOMENTS IN PANTY HOSE

     
     
     

    B.C. The nude look is in.

    1500 B.C. The Egyptians invent underwear. (The significance of this is largely ignored until Cecil B. De Mille films "The Ten Commandments.")

    A.D. 1589 William Lee of Nottinghamshire, England, invents the knitting machine. Hosiery can now be produced mechanically rather than by hand.

    1876 Silk lingerie is manufactured, replacing wool and cotton underwear. The word "lingerie" is borrowed from the French by Sarah Josepha Hale, editor of Godey's Lady's Book.

    1915 Silk lingerie becomes generally accepted. (Conservative religious leaders and moralists question its link to promiscuity, licentiousness and good clean fun.)

    1938 Du Pont introduces Fiber 66, later called nylon, a thermoplastic polyamide made from coal, air and water. As war clouds loom, German researchers concurrently develop Type 6 nylon, which becomes, in the words of a textile encyclopedia, "the standard for the Axis."

    1940 Nylon hosiery is sold in stores.

    1942 Nylon goes to war. Production is devoted to military uses, which forces thousands of women to draw seams on the backs of their legs with eyebrow pencils.

    1950s The first waist-high garment resembling panty hose is developed for dancers. Not sold to public.

    1959 North Carolina's Glen Raven Mill invents the "pantyleg," nylon stockings sewn to panties. Not immediately popular. (It sells about as well as Egyptian underwear.)

    1961 Du Pont's spandex ("elastomeric man-made fibers"), an anagram of "expands," goes into commercial production.

    1969 Panty-hose research leaps forward with panties knitted into legs. Miniskirts boost panty-hose sales. (Concurrently, popularity of pants sparks sales of knee-highs.)

    1970 L'eggs -- the first national brand of panty hose -- revolutionizes the industry. Unique plastic egg packaging cuts costs and production time by eliminating "boarding," a heating process that molds hose into the shape of a woman's leg.

    1973 Football star Joe Namath wears Hanes' "Beauty Mist" panty hose in TV commercials.

    1974 Joe Namath doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

    1980s Sheer threads of spandex are now commonly woven with nylon for enhanced support and fit. New colors, styles and applique's move panty hose from utilitarian to high fashion.

    1987 Thigh-highs topped with sexy lace and ruffles are introduced, leading daring women to wear them with miniskirts.

    1987 The United States produces more hosiery than ever before. Panty hose accounts for 70 percent of all women's sheer hosiery sold. One hundred eighteen million pairs are sold, amounting to $2.1 billion in sales, according to the National Association of Hosiery Manufacturers, which says women on the average use 13 1/2 pairs of panty hose annually. (Some women say that on a bad day they go through this many before lunch.)

    1988 Actress Loni Anderson shows off her sheer support panty hose in TV commercials. An unscientific poll says her legs are better than Joe Namath's (who still doesn't want to talk about it).
     
    1988 The September issue of Hosiery News, a trade magazine, queries manufacturers after receiving consumer requests for sources of men's panty hose. (Is there a market for anatomically correct panty hose?)

    2088 Archeologists unearth billions of plastic eggs. They conclude the greenhouse effect produced a race of giant mutant polymer birds that ate the entire industrialized world.

×
×
  • Create New...