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Sonny

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Posts posted by Sonny

  1. An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas.
    Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on
    sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He
    walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different
    about me?"
    Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope."
    Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom; undresses and walks
    back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he
    asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
    Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down
    today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
    tomorrow."
    Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
    IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
    To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."
  2. "The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don''t want to try these techniques at home."
     
    "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience..
     
    "I watched my wife''s routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
     
    "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets,often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ''Hon, why don''tyou try carrying several things at once?''".
     
    "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked..
     
    "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
  3. When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
     
    I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"
  4. Silly Dictionary:
     
    Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at
    McDonald's.
     
    Avoidable \uh-avoy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
     
    Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
     
    Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
     
    Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.
     
    Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
     
    Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
     
    Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did after his bag was full of loot.
     
    Misty \miss'-tee\: How golfers create divots.
     
    Paradox \par'-of-docks\: Two physicians.
     
    Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
    .
    Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
     
    Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.
     
    Primate \pri'-mate\: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
     
    Relief \ree-leaf'\: What trees do in the spring.
     
    Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife.
     
    Seamstress \seem'-stress\: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.
     
    Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.
     
    Subdued \some-dood'\: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
     
    Sudafed \soo'-da-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official
  5. Tips to improve your writing:
     
    1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
    2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
    3. Employ the vernacular.
    4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
    5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
    6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
    7. Contractions aren't necessary.
    8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
    9. One should never generalize.
    10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
    11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
    12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
    13. Be more or less specific.
    14. Understatement is always best.
    15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
    16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
    17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
    18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
    19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
    20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
    21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
    22. Don't never use a double negation.
    23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
    24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
    25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
    26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
    27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
    28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
    29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
    30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
    31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.
    32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
    33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
    34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
    35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
    36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
    37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
    38. The adverb always follows the verb.
    39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
  6. Ten Best Caddy Responses:
     
    Number : 10
    Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
    Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
     
    Number : 9
    Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
    Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
     
    Number : 8
    Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
    Caddy: "Yes . . . You miss the ball much closer now."
     
    Number : 7
    Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
    Caddy: "Eventually."
     
    Number : 6
    Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
    Caddy: "I don't think so . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."
     
    Number : 5
    Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
    Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
     
    Number : 4
    Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
    Caddy: "It's very good - personally, I prefer golf."
     
    Number : 3
    Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
    Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."
     
    >Number : 2
    >Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
    Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
     
    And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
    Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
    Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
  7. Managerium:
     
    The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.
     
    This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.
     
    Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.
     
    Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.
  8. The Way Children See Things!
     
    NUDITY
    I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
     
    HONESTY
    My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
     
    KETCHUP
    A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
     
    MORE NUDITY
    A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
     
    ELDERLY
    While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
     
    DRESS-UP
    A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
     
    SCHOOL
    A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
     
    BIBLE
    A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.
  9. MOMS….. IN GROUP THERAPY:
     
    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
     
    "You all have obsessions," he observed.
     
    To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
     
    He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
     
    He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.
     
    "At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy , quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and get some dinner".
  10. Entries in a Dog's Diary:
     
    7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
    8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
    9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
    Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
    2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
    3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
    4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
    6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
    7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
    8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
    9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
    11 pm -Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!
     
    Entries in a Cat's Diary:
     
    Day 183 of my captivity ... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
    The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture.
    Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
    Today my attempt to kill my captors by winding around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs.
    In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed.
    Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
    There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
    I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
    The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
    The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. She speaks with them regularly. I am certain she reports my every move. Due to her current placement in the metal container, her safety is assured.
    But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.
  11. An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his rear end was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 Please advise.' The old woman faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.

    • Haha 1
  12. A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"
    "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.
    The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.
    The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet."
    The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
    "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."
    The man is appalled. "Doc...Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"
    "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you it is going to seem like an eternity!"
  13. Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
     
    She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
     
    One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
     
    She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
    As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
     
    The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
     
    When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
    The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better
    of him and he could no longer resist.
     
    'Miss Beatrice', he said,'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
    Pointing to the bowl.
     
    'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
     
    The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
     
    Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
  14. Life Across The USA:
     
    You live in Arizona when..
    1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
    2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
    3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
    4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
    5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
    6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
    7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never find atown.
    8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
    9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
    10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
     
    You Live in California when..
    1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
    2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
    3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
    4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
    5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
    6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
     
    You Live in New York City when...
    1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
    2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
    3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
    4. You think Central Park is "nature."
    5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
    6. You've worn out a car horn.
    7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
     
    You Live in Maine when...
    1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
    2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
    3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
    4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
    5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
     
    You Live in the Deep South when...
    1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
    2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
    3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
    4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
    5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean,etc.
     
    You live in Colorado when...
    1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
    2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
    3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
    4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
     
    You live in the Midwest when...
    1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
    2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
    3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
    4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
    5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
     
    You live in Florida when...
    1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
    2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
    3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
    4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
    5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
  15. Virus Alert!!!
     
    An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you as soon as possible. Please share this with others immediately!!
     
    Monica Lewinsky virus........Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
     
    Lorena Bobbit virus..........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
     
    Ellen Degeneres virus........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
     
    Titanic virus................Makes your whole computer go down.
     
    Disney virus.................Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
     
    Mike Tyson virus.............Quits after one byte.
     
    Prozac virus.......Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
     
    Joey Buttafuoco virus........Only attacks minor files.
     
    Spice Girl virus.............Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
     
    Dr. Kevorkian virus.....Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
     
    Oprah Winfrey virus........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
     
    Arnold Schwarzenegger virus........Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
     
    FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS- Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
     
    PAUL REVERE VIRUS- This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C.
     
    AT&T VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting.
     
    MCI VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.
     
    GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
     
    CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS- Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
     
    AIRLINE VIRUS- You're in Chicago but your data is in Singapore.
     
    STAR TREK VIRUS- Invades your system and boldly goes where no virus has gone before
     
    TED TURNER VIRUS- Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
     
    PBS VIRUS-Your PC stops what it is doing every few minutes to ask for money.
  16. 20 hours ago, larry myers said:

    Doesn't resemble anything I've seen on a 130.  

    Perhaps on the 54-55 year aircraft?

    Guessing your wife will be overjoyed to get rid of it.  

    Don't recognize that from any of the early A's.  I remember them being located on the ramp near the troop doors.

    Urinal.jpg

  17. REAL HEADLINES:
     
    Man Struck by Lightning faces Battery Charge
     
    Astronaut takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
     
    Kids make Nutritious Snacks
     
    Chef Throws his Heart into Helping Feed Needy
     
    Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
     
    British Union finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
     
    Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
     
    Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
     
    New Vaccine may Contain Rabies
     
    Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
     
    Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
     
    Steals Clock, Faces Time
     
    Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
     
    Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
     
    Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
     
    Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
     
    Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
     
    Include your Children when Baking Cookies
     
    Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
  18. A collection of some of the best "Out Of Office" automatic responses:
     
    1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
     
    2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
     
    3. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.
     
    4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
     
    5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
     
    6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
     
    7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
     
    8. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
     
    9. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
     
    10. I've run away to join a different circus.
     
    AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
     
    11. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'
  19. There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
    It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
    We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
    And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
    We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
    If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
    When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and ! often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
    One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........... Time to shut UP.....!
    Oh...one more thing:
    What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
  20. GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
    1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
    2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
    3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
    4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
    5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
    6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
    7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
    8 )You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
    9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
    10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
     
    GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
    1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
    2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
    3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
    4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
    5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
    6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
  21. Funny Signs:
     
    A funny sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
    "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
     
    In a Zurich hotel:
    "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex
    in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."
     
    In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
    "Drop your trousers here for best results."
     
    In an Acapulco hotel:
    "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
     
    Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
    "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
     
    In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
    "Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages."
     
    In a Rome laundry:
    "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having
    a good time."
     
    In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
    "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
     
    A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
    "It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people
    of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one
    tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose."
     
    Note at the bottom of the menu of a German restaurant:
    "After the main course we suggest that you sample the tart of the house"
     
    In a Paris hotel elevator:
    "Please leave your values at the front desk."
     
    In a Japanese hotel:
    "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
     
    In a Leipzig elevator:
    "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."
     
    In the office of a Roman doctor:
    "Specialist in women and other diseases."
     
    In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
    "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time
    we regret that you will be unbearable."
     
    In a Tokyo shop:
    "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
    best in the long run."
     
    On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
    "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."
     
    In an East African newspaper:
    "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors
    have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
     
    In a Tokyo bar:
    "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
     
    In a London department store:
    "Bargain Basement Upstairs"
     
    In a Yugoslavian hotel:
    "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."
     
    In a hotel in Athens:
    "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours
    of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."
     
    In a Hong Kong supermarket:
    "For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service."
     
    In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
    "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
    composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
     
    At a Budapest zoo:
    "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,
    give it to the guard on duty.
     
    Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
    "Would you like to ride on your own ass?"
  22. Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
    After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
    As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
    Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table,
    asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
    He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
    After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
    They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
    Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
    To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business
    • Haha 1
  23. Martha Stewart's Way Vs. My Way:
     
    Martha's way #1:
    Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
     
    My way:
    Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for pete's sake, you are probably laying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. You know we don't have anything better to do.
     
    Martha's way #2:
    Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
     
    My way:
    Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
     
    Martha's way #3:
    To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
     
    My way:
    Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
     
    Martha's way #4:
    To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
     
    My way:
    Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
     
    Martha's way #5:
    To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
     
    My way:
    Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.
     
    Martha's way #6:
    To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet,simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
     
    My way:
    Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
     
    Martha's way #7:
    Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
     
    My way:
    Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.
     
    Martha's way #8:
    When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
     
    My way:
    Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
     
    Martha's way #9:
    If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"
     
    My way:
    If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad.
     
    My motto:
    I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
     
    Martha's way #10:
    Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
     
    My way:
    Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
     
    Martha's way #11:
    Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
     
    My way:
    The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I just won't do it.
     
    Martha's way #12:
    Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
     
    My Way:
    Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
     
    Martha's way #13:
    When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
     
    My Way:
    The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
     
    Martha's way #14:
    To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
     
    My way:
    Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
     
    Martha's way #15:
    Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
     
    My way:
    Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.
     
    Martha's way #16:
    Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
     
    My way:
    Who has left over wine? Never happens in this house.
     
    Martha's way #17:
    If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
     
    My way:
    Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
     
    Martha's way #18:
    Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
     
    My way:
    Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
     
    Martha's way #19:
    Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China. Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
     
    My way:
    Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.
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