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Posts posted by Sonny

  1. Last December, Mark's grandmother was giving him directions to her apartment.
    "You come to the front door of the apartment complex.
    There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T."
    She continued, "I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.
    Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. I am on the left.
    With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
    "Grandma, that sounds easy," replied the grandson, "but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
    To which she answered...
    "You're coming empty handed?"
  2. Life Across The USA:

    You live in Arizona when..
    1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
    2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
    3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
    4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
    5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
    6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
    7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never find a town.
    8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
    9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
    10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

    You Live in California when..
    1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
    2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
    3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
    4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
    5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
    6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

    You Live in New York City when...
    1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
    2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
    3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
    4. You think Central Park is "nature."
    5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
    6. You've worn out a car horn.
    7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

    You Live in Maine when...
    1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
    2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
    3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
    4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
    5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

    You Live in the Deep South when...
    1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
    2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
    3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
    4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
    5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean,etc.

    You live in Colorado when...
    1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
    2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
    3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
    4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

    You live in the Midwest when...
    1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
    2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
    3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
    4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
    5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

    You live in Florida when...
    1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
    2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
    3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
    4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
    5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

    An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you as soon as possible. Please share this with others immediately!!
    Monica Lewinsky virus........Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
    Lorena Bobbit virus..........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
    Ellen Degeneres virus........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
    Titanic virus................Makes your whole computer go down.
    Disney virus.................Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
    Mike Tyson virus.............Quits after one byte.
    Prozac virus.......Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
    Joey Buttafuoco virus........Only attacks minor files.
    Spice Girl virus.............Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
    Dr. Kevorkian virus.....Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
    Oprah Winfrey virus........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
    Arnold Schwarzenegger virus........Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
    FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS- Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
    PAUL REVERE VIRUS- This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C.
    AT&T VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting.
    MCI VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.
    GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
    CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS- Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
    AIRLINE VIRUS- You're in Chicago but your data is in Singapore.
    STAR TREK VIRUS- Invades your system and boldly goes where no virus has gone before
    TED TURNER VIRUS- Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
    PBS VIRUS-Your PC stops what it is doing every few minutes to ask for money.
    One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
    Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.
    Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house.
    Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in.
    Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"
    Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"
  5. GOLF:
    In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
    Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
    The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
    There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.
    An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
    Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
    Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
    There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
    Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.
  6. What Gender is A Computer?:
    A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
    ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.''
    ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''
    A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''
    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
    Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
    The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:
    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computador''), because:
    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
    The women won!!!
  7. A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
    Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all.
    He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
    About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
    Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes"
    1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
    2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
    3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
    4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
    5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
    6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
    7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
    8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
    9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
    10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
    11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
    12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
    13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
    14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
    15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
    16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
    17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
    18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
    19. Procrastinate Now!
    20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
    21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
    23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
    24.. Be thankful we are not getting all the government we are paying for.
    25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
    26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
    27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
    28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
    29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
    30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
  9. The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

    "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. A few moments passed.

    "An ambulance just drove by."

    A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike."

    A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving." "Jason is on his skate board."

    A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex."

    Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

    "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle too."

  10. Martha Stewart's Way Vs. My Way:
    Martha's way #1:
    Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
    My way:
    Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for pete's sake, you are probably laying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. You know we don't have anything better to do.
    Martha's way #2:
    Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
    My way:
    Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
    Martha's way #3:
    To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
    My way:
    Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
    Martha's way #4:
    To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
    My way:
    Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
    Martha's way #5:
    To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
    My way:
    Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.
    Martha's way #6:
    To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet,simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
    My way:
    Eat at Denny's every night and avoid cooking.
    Martha's way #7:
    Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
    My way:
    Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.
    Martha's way #8:
    When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
    My way:
    Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
    Martha's way #9:
    If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"
    My way:
    If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad.
    My motto:
    I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
    Martha's way #10:
    Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
    My way:
    Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
    Martha's way #11:
    Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
    My way:
    The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I just won't do it.
    Martha's way #12:
    Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
    My Way:
    Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
    Martha's way #13:
    When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
    My Way:
    The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
    Martha's way #14:
    To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
    My way:
    Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
    Martha's way #15:
    Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
    My way:
    Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.
    Martha's way #16:
    Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
    My way:
    Who has left over wine? Never happens in this house.
    Martha's way #17:
    If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
    My way:
    Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
    Martha's way #18:
    Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
    My way:
    Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
    Martha's way #19:
    Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China. Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
    My way:
    Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.
    In the year 2014, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Somerset and said: "Once again, the earth has become evil and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
    He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
    Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
    "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
    "I needed a Building Permit."
    "I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
    "My neighbors claim that I've violated the Neighborhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."
    "Then the Local Council and the Electric Company demanded a boat load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."
    "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
    "When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
    "Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
    "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
    "Immigration is checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work."
    "The Trades Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."
    "To make matters worse, the Internal Revenue Service seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
    "So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
    "Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
    Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
    "No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it”.
  12. An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

    He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name.

    In a very load voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here... you want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"

    The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped around, to look at the very embarrassed man.

    He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation... and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"

    Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
    You know stuff about tanks.
    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
    You can open all your own jars.
    Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
    You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
    You can leave the motel bed unmade.
    You can kill your own food.
    You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
    Wedding plans take care of themselves.
    If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
    Your underwear is $15 for a three-pack.
    If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
    Everything on your face stays its original color.
    You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
    Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
    You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.
    Car mechanics tell you the truth.
    You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
    Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
    Wedding dress - $3,000. Tuxedo rental - 100 bucks.
    You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
    If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
    Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
    You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
    You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
    You almost never have strap problems in public.
    You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
    The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
    You don't have to shave below your neck.
    Your belly usually hides your big hips.
    One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
  14. Interesting Quotes:
    Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. - Groucho Marx
    If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher
    In China, when you're one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you. - Bill Gates
    It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple. - Rabindranath Tagore
    The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. - Mark Twain
    Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished. - Leslie Nielsen
    Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. - Eddie Cantor
    Gray hair is God's graffiti. - Bill Cosby
    We must take change by the hand or rest assuredly, change will take us by the throat. - Winston Churchill
    Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. - Lily Tomlin
    You can always count on the United States to do the right thing, once it has exhausted the alternatives. - Winston Churchill
    The worst thing that can happen to you can be the best thing for you, if you don't let it get the best of you. - Will Rogers
    If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you have ever tried. - Ricky Gervais
    There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. - Peter Drucker
    When you're certain you cannot be fooled, you become easy to fool. - Edward Teller
    History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme. - Mark Twain
    This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful. - W. C. Fields
    If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. - Milton Berle
    It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men. - Mae West
    I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow
    He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill
    It isn't pollution that is harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. - Dan Quayle
    Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco. - Will Rogers
    Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
    You only get a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity so many times. - Pittsburgh Steelers cornerback Ike Taylor
    There are two kinds of people in the world: those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who don't. - Robert Benchley
    I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - University of Kentucky Forward Winston Bennett
    In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not. - Albert Einstein
    If everybody's thinking the same thing, then nobody's thinking. - George S. Patton
    I am not young enough to know everything. - Oscar Wilde
    Always drink upstream from the herd. - Will Rogers
    I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx
    It's time for the human race to enter the solar system. - Dan Quayle
    Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
    He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde
    I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt
  15. Actual Newspaper Headlines:

    Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway, Creates Jam

    Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy

    Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

    New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

    Navy Changes Skirt Policy, Making Apparel Optional

    Stolen Painting Found by Tree

    Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years

    Headless Body Found in Topless Bar

    State Dinner Featured Cat, American Food

    All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad

    Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery

    Chinese Apeman Dated

    Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

    Woman Kicked by her Husband said to be Greatly Improved

    Former Man Dies in California

    MacArthur Flies Back to Front

    Shut-Ins Can Grow Indoors with Lights

    Deer Kill 17,000

    Court to Try Shooting Defendant

    Lucky Man Sees Pals Die

    Passengers Hit by Cancelled Trains

    New Vaccine To Contain Rabies

    Lucky Victim Stabbed Three Times

    London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

    Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

    President of Company Says, "Stud Tires Out"

    Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

    Bridge Held Up By Red Tape

    Man, Minus Ear, Waives Hearing

    Man is Fatally Slain

  16. The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"

    The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

    The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

    A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

    The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

    The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

    The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

    The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

    To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."


    Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

    Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

    And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

    Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

    I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

    Allow me to introduce my selves.

    Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

    Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

    I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

    Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

    I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

    I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

    I'm supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?

    You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

    Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

    Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

    Earth is full. Go home.

    Is it time for your medication or mine?

    Nyquil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

    How do I set a laser printer to stun?

    Getting on your feet means getting off your butt.

    I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

    If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

    First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.

    In dog years, I'm dead!

    South Korea's got Seoul!

    Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

  18. As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
    As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
    Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
    "Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
  19. Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

    As told by famous people:

    AN ORTHODOX RABBI: It was the Sabbath what was he going to do, drive there?

    THE POPE: The chicken was motivated to cross the road because he realized that only by doing so could he achieve Salvation.

    PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

    GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

    BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

    MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

    GEORGE H. W. BUSH: The chicken saw a thousand points of light and crossed the road.

    DAN QUAYLE: I had not heard the chicken crossed the road.

    PLATO: For the greater good.

    ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

    KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

    TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

    JOE BIDEN: I forget.

    CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

    HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

    MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

    MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

    FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

    RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

    MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

    JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

    FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

    BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2011, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.

    OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

    CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

    EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

    BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

    RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road . It transcended it.

    ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

    COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

    MICHAEL SCHUMACHER; it was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.

  20. Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard!

    I bet you I could stop gambling.

    I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.

    I can't get enough minimalism.

    I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

    Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?

    The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

    I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

    I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

    Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

    Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

    There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

    Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

    Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

    Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

    If at first you don't succeed, try left field.

    When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, "I didn't get to where I am today by listening to people like you!

    Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

    I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.

    If #2 pencils are the most popular, why are they still #2?

    I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

    I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.

    I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

    Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.

    It's not who you know, it's whom you know.

    There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

    One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?"

    A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

    A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

    Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

    Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

    Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?

    Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

    Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

    Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

    All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

    Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.

    How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

  21. :
    My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
    I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
    I was a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job.
    I worked in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
    I was a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
    I tried to be a chef. I thought it would add a little spice to my life,but I just didn't have the thyme.
    I was a deli worker, but anyway I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
    I was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
    I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
    I worked in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
    I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
    I always wanted to be a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
    I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
    I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
    I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
    I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
    I got a job as a historian but I realized there was no future in it.
    I was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
  22. Actual Newspaper Headlines:
    Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming
    Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During Murder Trial
    Reason for More Bear Sightings: More Bears
    Actor Sent to Jail for Not Finishing Sentence
    Tiger Woods Play With Own Balls, Nike Says
    Fireproof Clothing Factory Burns to Ground
    Astronomers See Colorful Gas Clouds Bubble Out of Uranus
    Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
    Sex Offender Says Registering Will Hurt His Reputation
    Psychics Predict World Didn't End Yesterday
    Eye Drops Off Shelf
    Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons
    Jane Fonda to Teens: Use Head to Avoid Pregnancy
    Specialist: Electric Chair Can Be "Extremely Painful"
    Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden
    Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-Free
    Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
    Man Tries Armed Robbery with Knife in Gun Store
    Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
    Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25
    Air Board to Study Fast Food Emissions
    Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
    Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing
    State Prisons to Replace Easy Open Locks
    Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
    British Study Finds Less Traffic When Roads Close
    Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
    Gators to Face Seminoles with Peters Out
    Young Marines Make Tasty Christmas Treats
    Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
    Farmer Bill Dies in House
    Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
    Hirohito's Body Moved
    Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
    Complaints About NHL Referees Growing Ugly
    Stolen Painting Found by Tree
    Stud Tires Out
    Air Head Fired
    Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based
    Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
    Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
    Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
    Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
    Men Recommend More Clubs for Wives
  23. Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
    His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
    Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
    They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
    'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
    'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
    Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
  24. Today's Ponderings:
    Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
    Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
    How can there be self-help "groups"?
    How do you get off a non-stop flight?
    How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
    How many weeks are there in a light year?
    If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
    If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
    If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
    If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
    If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
    If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
    If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
    If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
    If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
    If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
    If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
    Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
    Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
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