Jump to content

Sonny

Members
  • Posts

    2,847
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    69

Posts posted by Sonny

  1. There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning.
     
    George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.
     
    On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
     
    Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.
     
    This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
     
    The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.
     
    They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?
     
    George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping On her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
     
    ''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''
     
    George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''
  2. An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas.
     
    Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on
    sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He
    walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different
    about me?"
     
    Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope."
     
    Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom; undresses and walks
    back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he
    asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
     
    Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down
    today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
    tomorrow."
     
    Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
    IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
     
    To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."
  3. Laws of the Natural Universe:
     
    Law of Mechanical Repair:
    After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
     
    Law of the Workshop:
    Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
     
    Law of Probability:
    The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
     
    Law of the Telephone:
    When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
     
    Law of the Alibi:
    If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
     
    Variation Law:
    If you change lanes (traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
     
    Law of Close Encounters:
    The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
     
    Law of the Result:
    When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
     
    Law of Biomechanics:
    The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
     
    Theater Rule:
    At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
     
    Law of Coffee:
    As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
     
    Murphy's Law of Lockers:
    If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
     
    Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
    The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
     
    Law of Location:
    No matter where you go, there you are.
     
    Law of Logical Argument:
    Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
     
    Brown's Law:
    If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.
     
    Oliver's Law:
    A closed mouth gathers no feet.
     
    Wilson's Law:
    As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
  4.  
     
    Betsy Salkind... Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
     
    Jean Kerr.. The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
     
    Prince Philip... When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
     
    Harrison Ford... Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
     
    Spike Milligan... The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.
     
    Jean Rostand... Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror
     
    Arnold Schwarzenegger... Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
     
    WH Auden... We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
     
    Jonathan Katz... In hotel rooms, I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
     
    Johnny Carson... If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
     
    Steve Martin... Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
     
    Jimmy Durante... Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
     
    George Roberts. The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
     
    Jonathan Winters... If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
     
    Robert Benchley... I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
     
    John Glenn... As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
     
    David Letterman... America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
     
    Howard Hughes... I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire.
     
    Old Italian proverb.. After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
  5. A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
     
    As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
     
    The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.
     
    As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat!
     
    He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
     
    At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.
     
    Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
     
    "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
     
    Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that darn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"
  6. A very elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
     
    He is in his mid nineties, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave.
     
    He presents a very well looked after image.
     
    Seated at the bar is an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid eighties).
     
    The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her.
     
    He orders a Manhattan.
     
    He takes a sip. He slowly turns to her and says,
     
    "So tell me, do I come here often?"
  7. A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency.
     
    'I saw a woman hit by a car,' he said. 'She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.'
     
    'How horrible! What did you do?'
     
    'Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it.
     
    I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.'
  8. Rookie Police Officer:
     
    A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
     
    The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
     
    The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."
     
    A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"
     
    Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
     
    Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
     
    Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."
  9. Strange and Funny Tombstones:
     
     
    Born 1903-Died 1942
    Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
    car was on the way down. It was.
    ******************************
    In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
    Here lies an Atheist
    All dressed up
    And no place to go.
    ******************************
    In a London, England cemetery:
    Here lies Ann Mann,
    Who lived an old maid
    But died an old Mann.
    Dec. 8, 1767
    ****************************
    In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
    Anna Wallace:
    The children of Israel wanted bread,
    And the Lord sent them manna.
    Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
    And the Devil sent him Anna.
    ******************************
    In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
    Here lies Johnny Yeast..
    Pardon me
    For not rising.
    ******************************
    In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
    Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
    Stepped on the gas
    Instead of the brake.
    ******************************
    In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
    Here lays The Kid.
    We planted him raw.
    He was quick on the trigger
    But slow on the draw.
    ****************************
    A lawyer's epitaph in England:
    Sir John Strange. .
    Here lies an honest lawyer,
    And that is Strange.
    *****************************
    John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
    Reader, if cash thou art
    In want of any,
    Dig 6 feet deep;
    And thou wilt find a Penny.
    *****************************
    In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
    On the 22nd of June,
    Jonathan Fiddle
    Went out of tune.
    *****************************
    Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont
    Here lies the body of our Anna -
    Done to death by a banana.
    It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
    But the skin of the thing that made her go.
    ******************************
    On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
    Under the sod and under the trees,
    Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
    He is not here, there's only the pod.
    Pease shelled out and went to God
    *****************************
    In a cemetery in England:
    Remember man, as you walk by,
    As you are now, so once was I.
    As I am now, you soon will be.
    Prepare yourself and follow me.
    To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
    To follow you I'll not consent
    Until I know which way you went
    ******************************
    Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
    Here lies Lester Moore
    One slug from a 44
    No Les
    No More
  10. An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
     
    When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
     
    "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
     
    "I had to slap his face three times!"
     
    "You mean he got fresh?"
     
    "No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
  11. Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspapers:
     
    FOXY LADY:
    Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
     
    LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
    Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
     
    SERENITY NOW:
    I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
     
    WINNING SMILE:
    Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
     
    BEATLES OR STONES?
    I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
     
    MEMORIES:
    I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
     
    MINT CONDITION:
    Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
  12. 15 Cerebral Witticisms:
     
    Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
     
    Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
     
    A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
     
    Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
     
    Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.
     
    A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
     
    You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
     
    Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
     
    Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
     
    When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
     
    What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give-away.)
     
    In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
     
    The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
     
    A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
     
    Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  13. LAWS FOR ENGINEERS:
     
    Engineering is a science that runs on the laws of physics. We have all studied these laws in our formal education. There are other laws that are equally powerful, however. These are found through experience in the classroom of applied technology. Here is a summary of the laws of physics for your entertainment. The authors are unknown (or perhaps wish to remain unknown). We thank them for their insight into real-world broadcasting.
     
    GRUNDMAN'S LAW -- Under the most carefully controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, humidity and other variables, the system will perform as it damn well pleases.
     
    KNIGHT'S LAW -- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
     
    HIDLEY'S LAW -- Nothing is impossible for a man who doesn't have to do the work.
     
    DUNCAN'S LAW -- When in doubt, mumble.
     
    EVAN'S LAW -- Every man has a scheme that will not work.
     
    HULKO'S LAW -- A theory is better than its explanation.
     
    STORYK'S LAW -- The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.
     
    WORAM'S LAW -- Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
     
    NORDAHL'S LAW -- Everything goes wrong at once.
     
    EMERMAN'S LAW -- In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.
     
    TARSIA'S LAW -- The obvious answer is always overlooked.
     
    SNODDY'S LAW -- It works better if you plug it in.
     
    HARRISON'S LAW -- There is always an easy answer to every problem-- neat, plausible, and wrong.
     
    MEADOW'S LAW -- It won't work.
     
    WESTLAKE'S LAW -- The first 90 percent of the project takes 90 percent of the time, and the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.
     
    HARNED'S LAW -- Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can.
     
    SCHNEE'S LAW -- Anything that begins well will end badly. (Note: The converse of this law is not true.)
     
    STONE'S LAW -- Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
     
    GOLDEN'S LAW -- A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
     
    PERRY'S LAW -- If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
     
    GARAY'S LAW -- An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
     
    KELSEY'S LAW -- Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
     
    LIGHTNER'S LAW -- If it happens, it must be possible.
     
    GUY'S LAW -- The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
     
    MOYSSIADIS' LAW -- As soon as you mention something, if it's good, it goes away; if it's bad, it happens.
     
    CAPPS' LAW -- If it can find a way to wear out faster, it will.
     
    LIPPELL'S LAW -- If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.
     
    NEUMANN'S LAW -- Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
     
    CALBI'S LAW -- Nothing is as easy as it looks.
     
    MARINO'S LAW -- Everything takes longer than you think it will.
     
    TODRANK'S LAW -- There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who do not.
     
    BROSIOUS' LAW -- The components you have will expand to fill the available space.
     
    INGOLDSBY'S LAW -- You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
     
    MERTEN'S LAW -- The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
     
    ZENTZ'S LAW -- Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
     
    LUDWIG'S LAW -- The other line moves faster.
     
    DOZIER'S LAW -- Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results. **
     
    RETTINGER'S LAW** -- Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.
     
    RICKER'S LAW -- Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail the same way.
     
    BODEN'S LAW -- If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
     
    HANSCH'S LAW -- Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
     
    EBERLE'S LAWS -- 1. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. 2. No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake it. 3. No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory. 4. No matter what the result, someone is always eager to misinterpret it.
     
    FULGINITI'S LAW -- In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
     
    SAX'S LAW -- All laws are basically false.
  14.  
     
    The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words as possible:
     
    The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
     
    I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
     
    I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
     
    The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
     
    I thought the window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
     
    The indirect cause of the crash was the little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
     
    An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.
     
    A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.
     
    A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
     
    Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
     
    I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
     
    In and attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
     
    I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
     
    As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
     
    I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to crash.
     
    I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
     
    To avoid hitting the bumper in front of me, I struck the pedestrian.
     
    My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
     
    The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
     
    I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
     
    I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
     
    The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end..
     
    I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.
    • Haha 1
  15. The Plan:
     
    In the beginning was the Plan.
     
    And then came the Assumptions.
     
    And the Assumptions were without form.
     
    And the Plan was without substance.
     
    And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
     
    And they spoke among themselves, saying,
    "It is a crock of s%@#, and it stinks."
     
    And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell.
     
    And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is the container of the excrements, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
     
    And the Mangers went unto their Directors, saying,
    "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
     
    And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
     
    And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."
     
    And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
     
    And the Plan became Policy.
     
    And that is how s%@# happens.
  16. Oscar Wilde Quotes:
     
    Moderation is a fatal thing. . . . Nothing succeeds like excess.
     
    Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
     
    Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat.
     
    Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women like to be a man's last romance.
     
    The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
     
    Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
     
    One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.
     
    If man was meant to be nude, he would have been born that way.
     
    Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
     
    A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
     
    A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
     
    A pessimist is one who, when he has a choice of two evils, chooses both.
     
    The cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
     
    Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
     
    Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
     
    True friends stab you in the front.
     
    The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.
     
    I am not young enough to know everything.
     
    I love acting. It is so much more real than life.
     
    I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
     
    In America, the President reigns for four years, and journalism governs for ever and ever.
     
    It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But it is better to be good than to be ugly.
     
    The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.
     
    One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
     
    To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
     
    The play was a great success, but the audience was a disaster.
     
    The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.
     
    The well-bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves.
     
    To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune... to lose both seems like carelessness.
  17.  
     
    While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
     
    Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?
     
    Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.
     
    My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'
     
    'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
     
    'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
    • Haha 1
  18. Homer Simpson Quotes:
     
    D'oh!
     
    America can't collapse! We're as powerful as ancient Rome!
     
    Look at me, I'm flying like Superman's dog!
     
    I have been acting like telethon Jerry Lewis when I should have been acting like rest-of-the-year Jerry Lewis.
     
    And didn't the Easter bunny himself say, "Forgive them father, for finding all my eggs?"
     
    I hate Traffic. The band AND the phenomenon!
     
    Oh, why do my actions have consequences?
     
    I love going to aquatic parks. Sure, they have worse rides than amusement parks, less fish than aquariums, but the parking is ample!
     
    Thank goodness it's TGIF!
     
    Marge, I thought this was an innocuous lunch, but it's become terribly ocuous!
     
    When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle - they're on TV!
     
    Bingo! I love that game, but I can't remember what to say when you win.
     
    Ah, alcohol. The cause of, and the solution to, all of life's problems.
     
    What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.
     
    Lisa, vampires are make believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
     
    Save me, Jeebus!
     
    Facts are meaningless - you could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
     
    I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!
     
    Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food.
     
    I don't hate your mother, I just won't be sad when she dies.
     
    How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain - remember when I took that home wine making course, and I forgot how to drive?
     
    Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!
     
    Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You/re making a scene'.
     
    I'm a 'Spalding Gray' in a 'Rick Dees' world.
     
    Donuts...is there anything they can't do?
     
    Trying is the first step toward failure.
     
    Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!
     
    That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
     
    You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!
     
    Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex! It's also the food preparation.
     
    When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
     
    America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well...all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
     
    It's like something out of that "twilighty" show about that zone.
     
    Marge, you being a cop makes you the man - which makes me the woman; and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which (as we discussed) is strictly a comfort thing.
     
    Whenever Marge turns on one of her "non-violent" programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for love...
     
    It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
     
    English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
     
    I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming.
     
    Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close!
     
    Beer - now THERE'S a temporary solution.
  19. New Words for the Workplace:
     
     
    BLAMESTORMING
    Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
     
    SEAGULL MANAGER
    A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
     
    ASSMOSIS
    The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
     
    SALMON DAY
    The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
     
    CUBE FARM
    An office filled with cubicles.
     
    PRAIRIE DOGGING
    When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)
     
    MOUSE POTATO
    The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
     
    SITCOMs
    Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
     
    STRESS PUPPY
    A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
     
    XEROX SUBSIDY
    Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
     
    PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
    The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
     
    ADMINISPHERE
    The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
     
    404 Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
     
    OHNOSECOND
    That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
  20.  
    I am a senior citizen...
    - I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.
    - I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
    - I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
    - I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...
    - I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
    - I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
    - I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
    - I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
    - I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
    - I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
    - I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...
    - I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
    - I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
    - I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
    - I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...
    - I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
    - I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
    - I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
    - I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.
    - I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
    - I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
    - I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.
    - I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?
    • Sad 1
  21.  
    A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor
    informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.
     
    She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."
     
    Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."
     
    Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a fewseconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983
    Pick-up for sale.'"
    • Haha 1
  22. Men Vs. Women:
     
    Toys:
    Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
    Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
    Cameras:
    Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
    Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
     
    Locker Rooms:
    Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
    Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
     
    Movies:
    Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.
    Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
     
    Jewelry:
    Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
    Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
     
    Conversation:
    Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow, great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size."
    Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.
     
    Leg Warmers:
    Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
    Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
     
    Friends:
    Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.
    Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"
     
    Restrooms:
    Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom.
    Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
    • Haha 1
×
×
  • Create New...