Sonny

BUMPER STICKERS

Give me coffee and no one gets hurt.

Don't wash this vehicle - Undergoing scientific dirt test

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Keep honking, I'm reloading

He who laughs last thinks slowest

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools

My kid had sex with your honor student.

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

I is a college student

I souport publik edekasion

If you think education is expensive, Try ignorance

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Beer - Helping ugly people have sex since 1765

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Why drink and drive, when you can smoke and fly.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, "Just who do you think you are?"

When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being mean.

STUPIDITY should be Painful

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an ass.

Atheism is a non-profit organization.

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Protected by .357 Magnum 3 days a week. You guess which 3

The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers:

- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

- Miners Refuse to Work after Death

- Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin case

- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe

- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

- War Dims Hope for Peace

- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

- Deer Kill 17,000

- Stolen Painting Found by Tree

- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

- Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

- Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half

- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

- Eye Drops Off Shelf

- Teachers Strike Idle Kids

- Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

- Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died

Ken,

I saw this and wondered if it was yours!!

Sonny

New Words for the Workplace:

Essential NEW WORDS FOR editions for the work-place vocabulary:

BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
404 Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

I am a senior citizen...

- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm

- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...

- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...

- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.

- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...

- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

- I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.

- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.

- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life...

Aren't I?

Actual Newspaper Headlines:

Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway, Creates Jam

Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Navy Changes Skirt Policy, Making Apparel Optional

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years

Headless Body Found in Topless Bar

State Dinner Featured Cat, American Food

All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad

Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery

Chinese Apeman Dated

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Woman Kicked by her Husband said to be Greatly Improved

Former Man Dies in California

MacArthur Flies Back to Front

Shut-Ins Can Grow Indoors with Lights

Deer Kill 17,000

Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Lucky Man Sees Pals Die

Passengers Hit by Cancelled Trains

New Vaccine To Contain Rabies

Lucky Victim Stabbed Three Times

London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

President of Company Says, "Stud Tires Out"

Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

Bridge Held Up By Red Tape

Man, Minus Ear, Waives Hearing

Man is Fatally Slain

How to tell if you're over caffeinated:

You answer the door before people knock.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

Cocaine is a downer.

All your kids are named "Joe".

You don't need a hammer to pound nails.

Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.

Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

I had a blind date last night but before it I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive.

My friend told me not to worry as there’s an app for just that situation.

It’s called “Mom Are You Ok” and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date.

If you like her, you just ignore your phone.

If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

It works every time, no worries.

So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning!

But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang.

She answered it and said, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

  A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Employment History:

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

I was a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job.

I worked in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I was a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I tried to be a chef. I thought it would add a little spice to my life,but I just didn't have the thyme.

I was a deli worker, but anyway I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

I was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

I worked in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I always wanted to be a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

I got a job as a historian but I realized there was no future in it.

I was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Even More Ponderings:

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Happy belated birthday to all three of you!!!

Sonny

Yep..More Ponderings:

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

Try a little kindness. As little as possible. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

I love playing cards with children. They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck.

Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar...
Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.

A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.

A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Corporate Lingo:

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.