Sonny

Last December, Mark's grandmother was giving him directions to her apartment.

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex.

There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T."

She continued, "I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.

Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy," replied the grandson, "but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

To which she answered...

"You're coming empty handed?"

Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink.

The president of Budweiser orders a Bud.

Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors.

When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda.

Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks?

Nah Guinness replies.

If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.

These classifieds actually ran in newspapers - a smile for your day

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER

8-years old. Hateful little b@st@rd. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..

Mother, AKC German Shepherd.

Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.

Looks like a rat. Been out a while.

Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.

Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK

$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES

California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .

Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.

$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,

Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.†I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife.†He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,

He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude

woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,

when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single

gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a

hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life

for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the

shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you

care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.

This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poop on its head.

---AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer.

All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail.

His buddy says,

"What are we going to do?"

The driver says,

"Don't worry, Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly.

First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead.

Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."

They pull over and the cop walks up to the car.

He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license.

And he asks him,

"Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies.

"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway.

Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.

"Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers.

"We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."

"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop,

"What on earth are those things on your forehead?"

"That's easy, Officer," says the drunk.

"You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."

The following came from an anonymous Mother in

Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill

a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run

over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200

adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the

motor is not strong enough to rotate 42 pound Boy

wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape It is

strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to

spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the

ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a

bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times

before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a

baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't

stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh

oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and

lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire w ith a flint

rock even though a 36-year old man says they can

only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive

tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in

the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a

swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even

though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on;

plastic toys do not

like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a

5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the

washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the

Clorox and brake fluid.

a) For those with no children - this is totally

hysterical!

For those who already have children past this

age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not

funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age,

this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, there is

birth control

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great.

I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff,

I $imply can`t think of anything I need.

$o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card,

a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy,

ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.

Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad.

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.

At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his.

Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied ,

"Well to night I'm the designated decoy"

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.

"Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids."

"What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?"

"He named your daughter Denise."

"Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?"

"He named your son Denephew."

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money so she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby is born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.

He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife did and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card it was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce!"

>He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices

>I admire."

>-- Winston Churchill

>

>"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."

>-- Winston Churchill

>

>"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries

>with great pleasure."

>-- Clarence Darrow

>

>"He has never been known to use a word that might send a

>reader to the dictionary."

>-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

>

>"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"

>-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

>

>"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste

>no time reading it."

>-- Moses Hadas

>

>"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of

>any man I know."

>-- Abraham Lincoln

>

>"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't

>it."

>-- Groucho Marx

>

>"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter

>saying I approved of it."

>-- Mark Twain

>

>"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his

>friends."

>-- Oscar Wilde

>

>"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new

>play, bring a friend... if you have one."

>-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

>

>"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...

>if there is one."

>-- Winston Churchill, in response

>

>"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having

>you here."

>-- Stephen Bishop

>

>"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

>-- John Bright

>

>"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's

>nothing trivial."

>-- Irvin S. Cobb

>

>"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness

>in others."

>-- Samuel Johnson

>

>"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

>-- Paul Keating

>

>"He had delusions of adequacy."

>-- Walter Kerr

>

>"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't

>cure."

>-- Jack E. Leonard

>

>"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."

>-- Robert Redford

>

>"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the

>sum of human knowledge."

>-- Thomas Brackett Reed

>

>"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by

>diligent hard work, he overcame them."

>-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

>

>"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded

>easily."

>-- Charles, Count Talleyrand

>

>"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

>-- Forrest Tucker

>

>"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any

>address on it?"

>-- Mark Twain

>

>"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

>-- Mae West

>

>"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever

>they go."

>-- Oscar Wilde

>

>"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...

>for support rather than illumination."

>-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

>

>"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

>-- Billy Wilder

WHY ?

Why do we press harder on a remote control

when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds"

when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,

But check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest,

but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use

the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator

with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle

with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so,

why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right,

so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling

off

the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was

in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

A collection of some of the best "Out Of Office" automatic responses.

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

10. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE

11. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'

Good one!!!

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping

the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church

by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from

copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes

to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone

made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up.

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for

centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down

into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original

manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't

been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk

gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging

his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we

missed the "R"!

His forehead is bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

"The word was CELEBRATE!"

POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER....

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question".

An older couple decides to go to the doctor for a checkup. The

doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start

writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while

watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember

it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better

write it down because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream

with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that,

so you'd better write it down" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can

remember it. Leave me alone. Ice cream with strawberries and

whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake." Then he grumbles

into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and

hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for

a moment and says -

"Where's my toast?

Words of wisdom from the corporate world.

a.. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building

using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday

and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fredrick Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

b.. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will

encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

c.. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should

be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat

Company)

d.. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more

important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United

Parcel Service)

e.. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.

f.. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been

working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let

you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

g.. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that

only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and

she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell

Computers)

h.. "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing

executive, Citrix Corporation)

i.. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.

When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

j.. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not

going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

k.. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

l.. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him

concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)

m.. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo

reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in

one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one

of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive

committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the

executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I

asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?)

working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

--

He who hesitates is probably right.

A man talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th wedding anniversary. The friend asked, "What did you do for your 25th?"

He said, "I took my wife to Hawaii."

The friend then asked, "What are you thinking about for your 50th?"

He said, "Well I was thinking of bringing her back."

In Honor of Stupid People . . . .

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer --

Do not use while sleeping.

(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos --

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap --

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners --

"Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --

"Do not turn upside down."

(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --

"Product will be hot after heating."

(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron --

"Do not iron clothes on body."

(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could

just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid --

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights --

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor --

"Not to be used for the other use."

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts --

"Warning: contains nuts."

(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts --

"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume --

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw --

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Ralph,

I check in just about every day but there haven't been any posts.

Sonny

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition.

1. Cashtration (n.):

The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus:

A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication:

Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation:

Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.):

The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy:

Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti:

Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm:

The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte:

To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis:

Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis:

A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon:

It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.):

The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido:

All talk and no action.

15 Dopeler effect:

The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.):

The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.):

Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.):

The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

How to treat a woman:

> > Wine her.

> > Dine her.

> > Call her.

> > Hold her.

> > Surprise her.

> > Compliment her.

> >! ; Smile at her.

> > Listen to her.

> > Laugh with her.

> > Cry with her.

> > Romance her.

> > Encourage her.

> > Believe in her.

> > Pray with her.

> > Pray for her.

> > Cuddle with her.

> > Shop with her.

> > Give her jewelry.

> > Buy her flowers.

> > Hold her hand.

> > Write love letters to her.

> > Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

How To Treat a Man:

> > Show up naked.

> > Bring chicken wings.

>> Don't block the TV

THESE ARE ACTUAL QUOTES TAKEN FROM AUSTRALIAN FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together"

12. "A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."!

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it"

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30 "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 Minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."