Sonny

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.

He pulls the guy over and says,

"You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says okay, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands,

"I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies,

"I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,

"Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:

don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It

is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best

to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a

duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes

St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He

chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all

eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter

comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very

tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you

for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer --

Do not use while sleeping.

(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos --

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap --

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners --

"Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --

"Do not turn upside down."

(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --

"Product will be hot after heating."

(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron --

"Do not iron clothes on body."

(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could

just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid --

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights --

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor --

"Not to be used for the other use."

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts --

"Warning: contains nuts."

(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts --

"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume --

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw --

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

One night 4 college students were partying until late and did not study for a test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt. They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return, a tire burst on their car and they had to push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to take the test.

The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.

On the third day, they went for their test. The teacher said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days...

The test consisted of 1 single question, worth a total of 100 points........

Q. 1. Which tire?

a) Front Left Front Right

c) Back Left d) Back Right

it is amazing how we forget thing as we get older. Now, you know the 41st was the best squadron at Naha, Msgt Lawson told me so!

Dallas

Dallas,

You must mean MSgt. George Tanner, not Lawson. He was the one who told me it was the 21st.

Sonny

Yes, road to Naminoue and beer at the 41st bar, the best squadron in Naha......I was also in the 21st don't think there was a bar or i never found it.................

JR,

When I was at Naha the 21st (undeniably the best squadron) hung at the Bar Mitzi.

Sonny

.....I went from A's to E's in an hour and fifteen minute flight in 1969, and it was like falling into the "lap of luxury"!!

...Ken

Ken,

I went from E's to A's in 1967. Was told they were the same. Boy was I lied to!!!!!

Sonny

A man is surprised to receives a call from his doctor.

The doctor says,

"I'm sorry, but I have some bad news and some worse news."

"Well, alright, give me the bad news first," said the man.

"Well," said the doctor,

"The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live."

"Holy Cow! That is some bad news!" the man exclaimed.

"What news could be worse than that?" he asked.

"The worse news is that I have been trying to reach you since yesterday."

Mike, first of all, welcome to the forum. You will like it here.

Quite a few of us guys were at Naha and/or CRB during the time you referred to so expect us guys to start picking your mind and memory!

I will start first!! What were the dates of your tour at Naha or were you just TDY there from somewhere else? Did you work on the flightline and if so, what squadron were you with? Just to jog your memory, at the time you mentioned above, there were the 35th, 21st. 41st, and the 817th tactical airlift squadrons (TAS)

I was in the 35th, I know Sonny was in the 21st. and there are more, but my memory might get me in trouble so I wont say here!! Actually, the 35th TAS was the only real squadron, the rest were just imposters!!! (that ought to get a few replies)!!!

By the way, us older farts would like you to do a complete profile on your "about me" part in your profile!! Who knows, there is a good chance you will find somebody you knew when you were there! I haven't yet, but I have made a lot of new friends since joining this forum.

I hope I didn't scare you away with all of my questions,

Ken Carlson

PS---How did I do guys???

Ken,

You did us proud. Your only mistake was that the 35th was the only real squadron when it was actually the 21st!!!

Sonny

A few years ago I came home from a night of drinking with the boys.

As I fell through the doorway of our house, my wife snapped at me,

“What’s the big idea coming home half drunk?â€

My reply was simple I just said,

“I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.â€

A doctor broke the bad news to a man,

that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

“I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,†he said.

“Makes sense,†mumbled the man.

“She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.â€

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a

dead mule in the church yard. He telephoned the police.

Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the

Pastor to the Health Department.

They explained, "Since there was no health threat,

you'll need to call the Sanitation Department."

When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the

Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without

authorization from the mayor."

The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a

very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with,

but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway. The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor.

The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at

the pastor, the mayor finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his

response. The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking,

"WELL Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to

notify the next of kin first!"

Hello - and thank you for calling the Mental Health Clinic. Please select from the following menu options:

If you're obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you're co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you're paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you're delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you're schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you're manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you're dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you're bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you're menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down, and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you're blonde, don't press any buttons; you'll just mess it up.

Thanks, really enjoyed this.

Sonny

21st TCS (TAS) '67-'68

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated:

"Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news."

"First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.†He said.

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow.

But then the drill sergeant finished his statement:

"Now for the bad news."

he then said

"Private Peters will be driving a truck."

Try this:

http://www.919sow.afrc.af.mil/news/story.asp?id=123307311

Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren...all boys.

The kids always wanted to play ''war,'' and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game.

His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!''

Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless.

The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right.

Grandpa opened one eye and whispered,

''Sh-h-h, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.''

Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys, were sitting' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.

"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.

Bubba answered:

"Send my grass out to be mowed"

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other,

†Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked,

"What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day.

"Sam," says Moe, “You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years.

Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you."

And shortly after that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe....

Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me, Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, “and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam “is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe, “That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday."

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man. "

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy as! ked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patienc! e, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for strength I'll just beat him to death!"

There is a two-letter word that perhaps

has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and ! often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........... Time to shut UP.....!

Oh...one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P

Watch for these new computer viruses ..

Neither Norton, McAfee, nor any other A/V has solutions as of yet!

The John Kerry Virus - Reverses every position in your computer each time you turn it on.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and

re-counting.

The Bob Dole (a.k.a. Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Attacks only minor files.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back!

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes

.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch

floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other - "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?

"The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooo, can you see Florida.......?????

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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "And, how often do I have to do that?"

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A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

****************************************************

There's this blonde out for a walk.

She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

********************************************************

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

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A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

****************************************************

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

************************************************************

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLOOOOOO," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"