Sonny

Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. Oscar Wilde

I don't know why my parents purchased an instructional booklet and cassette on Apline yodelling... maybe it was to go with the fondue set they never use.

Old Man Luedecke

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. George Carlin

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. Steven Wright

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. Zsa Zsa Gabor

I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught. Winston Churchill

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for 40 years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. Elayne Boosler

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. Anonymous

Personally I know nothing about sex because I've always been married. Zsa Zsa Gabor

Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties. Stephen Fry

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky -- but there wasn't any gum under any of them. Emo Philips

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right? Charles M. Schulz

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. Oscar Wilde

Love it. Thanks for the laugh. It has already made my day!!!

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist asks, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady explains that she needs it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he replies, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!"

With that the lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looks at the picture and replies, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. " Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper.

While excavating foundations for a building in Jerusalem, the workers come across a tomb and all work is stopped while the site is investigated. Six months later, the archaeologists tell the minister for works that construction can recommence, as they have solved the mystery of the tomb.

The minister asks for a report and is told: the tomb is that of a priest of Jerusalem from the time of the rule of Saul, and he died of a broken heart.

How can you tell that for certain, the minister asks?

Well, carbon dating establishes the date and his robes are those of a temple priest - we know that from descriptions we have from ancient writings.

What about the broken heart?

Well, inside his robe was a parchment script that turned out to be a Hebrew betting slip, on which was written: ''5000 shekels. Goliath to win.''

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.

The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her.

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her,

'I'll do anything, absolutely anything,

that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied,

'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills,

which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said,

"Clean my house."

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started

back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a

grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did

you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your

private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen

before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,

"My wife's first husband.

Casey,

I would be interested in getting a print of a C-130A, of course I would like 56-0533 as the tail number in the Nam paint colors, TAC, PACAF, 374 TAW, 21st TAS and Blind Bat patches. I also like your Crew Chief stickers but just need C-130A.

Is that possible? Would be willing to pay for the custom work.

Thanks,

Sonny

An old lady tells her doctor: ''Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't bother me too much. I've broken wind at least 20 times since I've been in your office, but you didn't know, because they're silent and don't smell.''

Doctor: ''I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.''

The next week the lady goes back. ''Doctor,'' she says, ''I don't know what you gave me, but goodness gracious me! Now, although I still break wind silently, they stink terribly.''

Doctor: ''Okay, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.

Casey,

Wasn't sure where to put this request.

If possible, I would like to see 56-0533 listed as "Sonny's Honey". That was the name I had on her until Oct. 1968. Sure they took it off after I left.

Thanks,

Sonny

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.

"No," the doctor said.

"I did not check his pulse."

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer.

"No I did not," the doctor said.

"So," said the lawyer,

"when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."

The doctor said,

"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

There were two guys working for the city.

One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.

The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill.

These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working,

but couldn't understand what they were doing.

Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger,

"I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied,

"Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.â€

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.

I'm a great gambler and I can prove it says Grandpa. How about a demonstration?

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, Okay. Go ahead.

Grandpa says, I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.

The auditor thinks a moment and says, It's a bet.

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand - with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

Want to go double or nothing? Grandpa says, I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

Are you okay? the auditor asks.

Not really, says the attorney. This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it

Don't Mess with Old People!!

Thanks, really enjoyed seeing those pictures.

Frank was madly in love with Susan,

but couldn’t get up enough courage to pop the question face to face.

Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone.

“Darling! He blurted out, “Will you marry me?â€

“Of course, I will, you silly boy,â€

she replied,

“Who’s speaking?â€

Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren...all boys.

The kids always wanted to play ''war,'' and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game.

His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!''

Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless.

The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right.

Grandpa opened one eye and whispered,

''Sh-h-h, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.''

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet.

Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers,

"TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says,

"I'll tell him.

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.

He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.â€

The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.â€

Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!â€

“I’m a seaman, second class,†comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.â€

Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!â€

here is one last reply.

“I’m a lighthouse. Your call.â€

He will surely be missed by us here. I for one really enjoyed his wit and wisdom. My heart and prayers go out to the Wilson family.

A couple are out shopping in a packed shopping centre, only for the wife to suddenly realise her husband has disappeared!

Calling him on his mobile, he answers and says in a calm voice: ''Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?''

The wife chokes up and says with a faltering voice, ''Yes, I remember.''

''Well, I'm in the bar right next to it.''

Two drunks

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer.

All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail.

His buddy says,

"What are we going to do?"

The driver says,

"Don't worry, Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly.

First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead.

Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."

They pull over and the cop walks up to the car.

He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license.

And he asks him,

"Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies.

"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway.

Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.

"Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers.

"We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."

"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop,

"What on earth are those things on your forehead?"

"That's easy, Officer," says the drunk.

"You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."

Ralph,

Just goes to show you can't keep a good man down, especially if he has a good woman at his side. Glad to hear you are on the mend.

Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary.

During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish.

The wife wanted to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and poof --

the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.

Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said,

"I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me."

So the fairy picked up her wand and poof --

The husband was 90.