Sonny

Q. What's the difference between a man and E.T.?

A. E.T. phoned home.

Q. How do men get exercise at the beach?

A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?

A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q. Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners?

A. So men can understand them.

Q. How do women define a 50/50 relationship?

A. We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirty; We iron/ they wrinkle.

Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?

A. Government bonds mature.

Q. How are men like noodles?

A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?

A. When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?

A. A hot dog and a six pack.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Was he a Thai or a Nung? We had a lot of Nung guards at Ubon. They walked the perimeter right behind the Blind Bat hooch. One night infiltrators tried to attack the Blind Bat hooches but one of the Nungs managed to fire his shotgun when they were cutting his throat. However, Ubon was a RTAF base.

To be honest Sam, I really don't know. I assumed he was Thai. Didn't think to ask!

Sonny

WOMEN OVER 50

As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.... They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

ANDY ROONEY

Yeah, whatschurpoint?

Thems all good wurds, I hearsem at the horstpitul all the tim

Got tard of peating myself so I thunk I wood right em down fer foks

Dan,

Loved it!! and lived it!!

Sonny

Redneck Medical Terms

Benign - What you be, after you be eight.

Artery - The study of paintings

Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria

Barium - what doctors do when patients die

Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan - searching for kitty

Cauterize - made eye contact with her

Colic - a sheep dog

coma- a punctuation mark

D & C - Where Washington is

Dilate - to live long

Enema - Not a friend

Fester - quicker than someone else

Fibula - a small lie

Genital - a non-Jewish person

GI series - world series of military baseball

Hangnail - what you hang your coat on

Impotent - distinguished, well-known

Labor pain - getting hurt at work

medical staff - a doctor's cane

Morbid - a higher offer

Nitrates - cheaper than day rates

Node - I knew it

Outpatient - a person who has fainted

Pap Smear - A fatherhood test

Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative - a letter carrier

Recovery room - place to do upholstery

Rectum - darn near killed him

Secretion - hiding something

Seizure - a Roman emperor

Tablet - a small table

Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport

Tumor - one plus one more

Urine - opposite of you're out

Varicose - nearby / close by

I got one of these at a Haz-Mat course I took, brought it home and showed my wife. Was fed a diet of cold shoulder and hot tongue for two weeks....... Obviously I did not think the process through!!!!!!

gizzard,

My wife thought it was funny. Of course we have been married for 46 years and she knows it is a joke and that I don't believe a word of it!!

Sonny

Hazardous Materials Data Sheet

Don,

Welcome. I was at Naha '67-'68 (21st TCW/TAW )and Crew Chief on 56-0533 with BB from 1/68 til 10/68. Bunch of good guys here.

Sonny

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented

each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them

to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were

actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While

reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the

last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses until they stop running.

2. Strike while the bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but How?

6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.

7. No news is impossible

8. A miss is as good as a Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new Math

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust Me.

12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.

13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.

15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is not much.

17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have to blow your nose

20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded..

22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box.

24.When the blind lead the blind get out of the way

25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

26 Better late than Pregnant

Seven Dwarves

HOLY HUMOR

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly

" It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth'

--------------

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.

The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.

The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said,

"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more.

Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

DAMITOL

D A M N I T O L - Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N - Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O - Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in the enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N - Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person .Can we get naked now?

BUYAGRA - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping . Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N- Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T - When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in

an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,

but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of

them say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more!

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,

"You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.

"In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about

our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

No sex since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event

hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of

extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom

approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious

man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,

"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,

"You know, you should lighten up a little.

Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take

this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking

everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she

proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest

and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his

matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now.

gmat,

I know there was a 57-0476 from the 817th that was in Blind Bat and I assume went to the 21st when all the BB missions were transferred to them.

Nice site, thanks for posting it.

Sonny

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:

To My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

As I remember, the co-pilot was trained to steer the airplane from the right seat using throttles and brakes -- which raises a question after all these years. Why?

Don R.

In case something happened to the nose gear steering.

Sonny

WORK

The 11th Husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten

times.?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was

suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out

diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?"

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"...

This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."

My question is did you get to "tune up" that thar Ma Deuce during those two days?

No, but I would have if they would let me! I have a picture I am looking for that shows where they shot a few across the bow of some sampan (or junk or whatever they called them fishing boats!!) when they didn't respond to their call.

Sonny

How many crew chief's you know that didn't get a chewing now and then from a AC that had a bad nite or FE who wanted to give you a bad time knowing all the time the plane was ready to go.

None, we all had those but all in all, most of the crews I dealt with were professional.

Sonny

Sonny, All I've got to say, is that you got to see and experience something that the rest of us probably never dreamed of seeing!!

Just another experience you had due to your ties to our C-130 Herkybird!!!

Worth the ass chewin wasn't it!!!!

It was worth everything I had to go through. If I had the chance I'd do it again!

Sonny

Disorder In The Court

Things people actually said in court, word for word:

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well I can see pretty well I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Added an album called Swift Boat to my profile.

Sonny