Sonny

CATHOLIC HORSES

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

A wife asks her husband: ''Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have eggs, get six.''

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.

The wife asks him: ''Why did you buy six cartons of milk?''

He replies: ''They had eggs.''

Look's like the other side of the base, next to the class six....

Never went to the other side of the base. Always stayed with my plane.

Correction, Never went to the other side of the base when I came to CRB with my plane. Did go to the other side when I was TDY right after I reported to Naha. Lived in the hootches. The bunker was just off the flight line where the A's were parked.

Sonny

Neat pic of the bunker Sonny, I sure didn't know about it in 69-70. What part of the F/L was it on? That was a big ramp at CRB. For some reason my bird was always parked on the far row near the taxiway fatherest from the crew chief shack. Bill

Bill,

To the best of my recollection, it was just off the edge of the flight line where they parked all the A's. Never went to the other side of the base, always slept on my plane to protect her from those midnight requisitioners. Once she was OR I awaited my flight crew and at night I closed all the doors and used tie down straps to keep them closed.

Sonny

Been thinking about the greatest adventure of my life lately (i.e. my time in Vietnam as a C-130 CC) and the question bubbled to the top....where did you guys go or hide when we had rocket attacks while you were on the flight line or your plane at Cam Rahn Bay? I don't remember ANY bunkers near the flight line. I know what I did when the rockets were coming in, which was to hug a piece of AGE equipment in the revetment and pray, but wondered about all the rest of the maint and flight crews who were caught on the flight line and what you did to try to protect yourselves. I know about the barracks, maint control and CC shack but what about on the open F/L. By the way that pic to the left of this post is me on my Herk 956 in the revetment at CRB sans bunkers ha ha. Bill

Here is a picture of a bunker just off the flight line at CRB. I took this picture in 1967.

Sonny

Bob,

Thanks, got mine, just a little slow letting you know.

Sonny

Air Force Christmas Party

TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS

I'm happy to inform you that the Squadron Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our Commander shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF

Executive Officer

December 2nd

TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish members. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to unit members who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF

Executive Officer

December 3rd

TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member in the Alcohol Rehabilitation Program requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads,"AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the junior airmen in the squadron feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF

Executive Officer

December 7th

TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS

I've arranged for members who are enrolled in the Air Force Weight Management Program (AFWMP) to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?

Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF

Executive Officer

December 9th

TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS

People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our Commander to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF

Executive Officer

December 10th

TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS

Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponics tomatoes.. But, you know,tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Witch from Hades

December 14th

TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Captain Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the Mental Health Clinic. In the meantime, I've decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off, instead.

Happy Holidays!

Ron Donaldson, Lt Col, USAF

Commander

Bob,

I would like a copy. Please send to Sonny.Cook@yahoo.com

Thanks,

Sonny

How to Interpret Performance Reports

Some of you might like to know what supervisors are really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations they keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to university.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED: Needs more to do.

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the arse.

WILL GO FAR: Related to management.

SHOULD GO FAR: Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 5 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION: (or anything else - just get him or her away from me!).

Real Sergeants

1. Can cuss for ten minutes without ever repeating a word.

2. Have a spine.

3. Can play a cherry Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument.

4. Can see in the Dark.

5. Have eyes in the back of their heads.

6. Still don't trust the Russians.

7. Still hate the French.

8. Don't know how to be politically correct.

9. Don't give a damn about being politically correct.

10. Think that "politically correct" should fall under S### in the UCMJ.

11. Love deployments because there is less paperwork and more "real work."

12. Can run 5 miles with a hangover.

13. Do not fear women in the military.

14. Would like to date G. I. Jane.

15. Still know how to use a buffer.

16. Can tell you anything you want to know about an M1911A1 although they are no longer in the inventory.

17. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.

18. Believe that "Nuts" wasn't all that Brigadier General McAuliffe said to the Germans at Bastogne.

19. Don't know how to use a "stress card".

20. Idolize John Wayne.

21. Don't believe that AAFES really needs a "commander".

22. Would have paid money to see Custer getting his clock cleaned.

23. Really don't like taking S### from those who haven't "been there".

24. Know how to properly construct a field latrine.

25. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their butts kicked. Twice.

26. Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably don't have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.

27. Don't believe a darn thing the Iraqis say

28. Don't need a GPS to find themselves.

29. Have enough BDU's in their closet to start a surplus store.

30. Think that MRE's taste good (with a little hot sauce).

31. Are convinced that "wall-to-wall" counseling really works.

32. Have more time on the front-line than most others have in the chow line.

33. Know how to make coffee when the measuring scoop goes missing.

34. Know that it's not good coffee when you can see through it

35. Don't blame poor marksmanship on their M-16.

36. Know that inept leaders will always say they have inept soldiers.

It's about time the AF got these kids a 130 that will even remotely look like the ones they will be working on when they get to their PCS base. At least they aren't using B-47's to train 130 mechanics on like when I and several guys on this site used in tech school. What a shocker it was to go straight to 130's after being trained on B-47's...now Giz THAT makes you feel old, ha ha. Bill:)

Bill,

I went to tech school at Chanute (Jet, Over Two Engines) and trained on B-52's. When I got to McGuire we kept going past all those nice looking C-135's and they dropped me off in front of this mole with wings and PROPS. I kept thinking there must be some mistake. I don't know anything about prop driven airplanes. Best thing that ever happened to me in the AF.

Sonny

It was an early MATS bird not Dyess.

Bob

She was at McGuire in '65-'66 (1611th/438th).

Sonny

Friendship ~ None of that Sissy Stuff

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound

good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cute little smiley faces on this ~Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad ~ I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue ~ I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile ~ I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared ~ I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're

not.

5. When you are worried ~ I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused ~ I will try to use only little words.

7. When you are sick ~ Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall ~ I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath ....I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask ~ because you are my friend.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you

can feel the true warmth.

Comedians' Best Lines

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'

--Larry Miller

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."

--Christopher Case

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

--Ellen DeGeneres

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"

--Jake Johansen

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

--Dick Cavett

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

--A. Whitney Brown

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

--Jon Stewart

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."

--Jack Mayberry

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."

--Bruce Baum

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."

--Jeff Stilson

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

--Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

--Rita Mae Brown

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

--Rita Rudner

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

--Jerry Seinfeld

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

--David Letterman

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."

--Jay Leno

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."

--Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"

--Jerry Seinfeld

Q. What's the difference between a man and E.T.?

A. E.T. phoned home.

Q. How do men get exercise at the beach?

A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?

A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q. Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners?

A. So men can understand them.

Q. How do women define a 50/50 relationship?

A. We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirty; We iron/ they wrinkle.

Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?

A. Government bonds mature.

Q. How are men like noodles?

A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?

A. When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?

A. A hot dog and a six pack.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Was he a Thai or a Nung? We had a lot of Nung guards at Ubon. They walked the perimeter right behind the Blind Bat hooch. One night infiltrators tried to attack the Blind Bat hooches but one of the Nungs managed to fire his shotgun when they were cutting his throat. However, Ubon was a RTAF base.

To be honest Sam, I really don't know. I assumed he was Thai. Didn't think to ask!

Sonny

WOMEN OVER 50

As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.... They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

ANDY ROONEY

Yeah, whatschurpoint?

Thems all good wurds, I hearsem at the horstpitul all the tim

Got tard of peating myself so I thunk I wood right em down fer foks

Dan,

Loved it!! and lived it!!

Sonny

Redneck Medical Terms

Benign - What you be, after you be eight.

Artery - The study of paintings

Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria

Barium - what doctors do when patients die

Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan - searching for kitty

Cauterize - made eye contact with her

Colic - a sheep dog

coma- a punctuation mark

D & C - Where Washington is

Dilate - to live long

Enema - Not a friend

Fester - quicker than someone else

Fibula - a small lie

Genital - a non-Jewish person

GI series - world series of military baseball

Hangnail - what you hang your coat on

Impotent - distinguished, well-known

Labor pain - getting hurt at work

medical staff - a doctor's cane

Morbid - a higher offer

Nitrates - cheaper than day rates

Node - I knew it

Outpatient - a person who has fainted

Pap Smear - A fatherhood test

Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative - a letter carrier

Recovery room - place to do upholstery

Rectum - darn near killed him

Secretion - hiding something

Seizure - a Roman emperor

Tablet - a small table

Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport

Tumor - one plus one more

Urine - opposite of you're out

Varicose - nearby / close by

I got one of these at a Haz-Mat course I took, brought it home and showed my wife. Was fed a diet of cold shoulder and hot tongue for two weeks....... Obviously I did not think the process through!!!!!!

gizzard,

My wife thought it was funny. Of course we have been married for 46 years and she knows it is a joke and that I don't believe a word of it!!

Sonny

Hazardous Materials Data Sheet

Don,

Welcome. I was at Naha '67-'68 (21st TCW/TAW )and Crew Chief on 56-0533 with BB from 1/68 til 10/68. Bunch of good guys here.

Sonny

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented

each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them

to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were

actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While

reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the

last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses until they stop running.

2. Strike while the bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but How?

6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.

7. No news is impossible

8. A miss is as good as a Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new Math

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust Me.

12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.

13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.

15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is not much.

17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have to blow your nose

20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded..

22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box.

24.When the blind lead the blind get out of the way

25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

26 Better late than Pregnant

Seven Dwarves