Sonny

HOLY HUMOR

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly

" It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth'

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

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"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.

The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.

The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said,

"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more.

Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

DAMITOL

D A M N I T O L - Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N - Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O - Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in the enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N - Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person .Can we get naked now?

BUYAGRA - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping . Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N- Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T - When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in

an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,

but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of

them say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more!

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,

"You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.

"In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about

our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

No sex since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event

hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of

extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom

approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious

man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,

"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,

"You know, you should lighten up a little.

Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take

this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking

everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she

proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest

and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his

matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now.

gmat,

I know there was a 57-0476 from the 817th that was in Blind Bat and I assume went to the 21st when all the BB missions were transferred to them.

Nice site, thanks for posting it.

Sonny

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:

To My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

As I remember, the co-pilot was trained to steer the airplane from the right seat using throttles and brakes -- which raises a question after all these years. Why?

Don R.

In case something happened to the nose gear steering.

Sonny

WORK

The 11th Husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten

times.?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was

suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out

diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?"

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"...

This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."

My question is did you get to "tune up" that thar Ma Deuce during those two days?

No, but I would have if they would let me! I have a picture I am looking for that shows where they shot a few across the bow of some sampan (or junk or whatever they called them fishing boats!!) when they didn't respond to their call.

Sonny

How many crew chief's you know that didn't get a chewing now and then from a AC that had a bad nite or FE who wanted to give you a bad time knowing all the time the plane was ready to go.

None, we all had those but all in all, most of the crews I dealt with were professional.

Sonny

Sonny, All I've got to say, is that you got to see and experience something that the rest of us probably never dreamed of seeing!!

Just another experience you had due to your ties to our C-130 Herkybird!!!

Worth the ass chewin wasn't it!!!!

It was worth everything I had to go through. If I had the chance I'd do it again!

Sonny

Disorder In The Court

Things people actually said in court, word for word:

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well I can see pretty well I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Added an album called Swift Boat to my profile.

Sonny

Added an album called Swift Boat to my profile.

Sonny

Man-Woman

WOW... SEEMS no one know how to click links??????[/quote

P3_Super_Bee,

My original post is as follows:

I believe it is pronounced like "fill-it". "Fill-ey" is a french cooking term while "fill-it" is a mechanical term such as a fillet weld or another name for fairing*.

Sonny

*Fairing also called fillet: an external metal structure fitted around parts of an aircraft, car, vessel, etc, to reduce drag

My edit to the original says I looked it up in a dictionary which just happened to be the one you quoted. I stand by "fill-it".

Sonny

Sonny, looks like some of your photos are a little washed out, perhaps due to the l o n g time since they were taken. I can clean them up a bit in PhotoShop if you like. Doesn't take long. Here are a couple of examples:

[ATTACH=CONFIG]2419[/ATTACH]

[ATTACH=CONFIG]2420[/ATTACH]

BobCCK,

They look great. I would be most appreciative. What do you need from me?

Sonny

...... She has broke free 5 times while towing. I don't really like nice names, a little on the bad ass, but we must remeber its the new air force

"Born Free" Or "I Don't Need No Stinkin' Leashes" (That may be too long!) or "Un-Bridaled" Have to think on this, not to good on the spur of the moment wit names.

Maybe you need to go to Lockheed and ask them for the correct pronunciation. They named it so they should know how it is pronounced.

@ Sonny

But if that's true, every panel on the aircraft is a fillet panel.

Doesn't every panel, regardless of what it is named, help reduce drag? I may be wrong on the pronunciation , just giving my opinion.

Sonny

jknoxville456,

Please see my edit to my original reply.

Sonny

jknoxville456,

I believe it is pronounced like "fill-it". "Fill-ey" is a french cooking term while "fill-it" is a mechanical term such as a fillet weld or another name for fairing*.

Sonny

*Fairing also called fillet: an external metal structure fitted around parts of an aircraft, car, vessel, etc, to reduce drag

10 Office Rules:

10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.

9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.

5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses.

Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!

I may have CRS and a vivid imagination, but even I couldn't have thought that story up!!

Sonny, the bar that I saw the green cards issued(Okay, I'll admit it was I who received one) was the big open air bar in Ubon . Always had good music and lots of good looking girls.

I also am not making up the part about the line at the dispensary waiting for their 9AM or 3PM shots. By the way I never stood in that line-----

Like Sonny, that's my story and I am sticking to it!!

Ken

By the way, I was at Ubon in 1968 from Sept thru Nov.

Ken,

1. I have no doubt you are telling the truth

2. The description of the bar sounds very familiar. I'm pretty sure I was in it at one time or another.

3. I, too, remember the line for VD sick call. When I was there between Jan-Oct '68, there was a special time set aside for you go to the dispensary if you thought you had VD.

Sonny