Sonny

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

7 Word Obituary:

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor
informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a
word.

Right back at ya!!!!

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was
jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about
them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "Only we see stars, too."

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"

During a readiness exercise, two Air Force security policemen were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where aircraft were kept. When a pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, one of the Air Force security policemen asked him for it. "I don't see why I have to show you my ID," the pilot snapped. "After all, it is my plane." "Sir, with all due respect, it may be your plane," replied the Air Force security man, "but it's sitting in my garage!"

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today, they call it golf.

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

For those of you who are not familiar with US tax forms, "Form 1040" is the most common of the US Federal tax forms. Most people file one of the several versions of this form. Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040? Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

A drunk woman leapt into a taxi stark naked.  Sachin, the Indian cab driver made no attempt to drive off.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?!"

Funny Beer Quotations

• Beauty is in the hands of the beer holder. - Anonymous
• My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. - Henry Youngman
• Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony. - Robert Benchley
• Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working. - Harold Rudolph
• Apparently it was the accepted practice in Babylonia [now southern Iraq] 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the 'honey month' - or what we know today as the 'honeymoon'.
• You know what alcoholics call New Year's Eve? Amateur night. - Elmore Leonard
• Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry
• The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. - William Butler Yeats
• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. - Stephen Wright

Jennie was sitting at the defendant's table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand.

The lawyer asked, 'When you stopped the defendant, Jennie, were your red and blue lights flashing?'

'Yes, sir, they were.'

'Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?'

'Yes, sir, she did.'

'And,' looking at Jennie, 'what was it the defendant said?'

'She said, "What disco am I at?''

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?'

The first man approached him and said, 'Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?  A child?  A parent?'

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied........ 'My wife's first husband

A Congressman in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.

'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'