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Sonny

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Posts posted by Sonny

  1. Nudist One Liners

    A naked man fears no pickpocket.

    Bare butts are cool.

     

    A nudist never has to hold out his hand to see if it is raining.

     

    A Buddhist nudist practices yoga bare.

     

    A harp is a nude piano.

     

    Nudist Resort sign - Sorry, Clothed for Winter.

     

    Always swim nude. Sharks hate to peel their food.

     

    Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.

     

    Never cook bacon when you're naked.

     

    Senior Citizen Nude Beach ahead. Watch for Golden Oldies
  2. Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time in retirement. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation in many of our conversations. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

    I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You’re 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

    I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

    "I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week," I told her.

    She fainted.

    Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it really can be fun..

    • Haha 1
  3. 25 Signs You've Grown Up:

    Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

    Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

    You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

    6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

    You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

    You watch the Weather Channel.

    Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

    You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

    Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

    You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

    Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

    You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

    Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

    You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

    Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

    You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

    Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

    Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

    You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

    A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

    You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

    "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

    90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

    You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

    You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!

  4. Ken,

    As I recall, I was with my aircraft, 56-0533, at CRB and on the schedule to return to Naha the next day. She was OR and I was visiting with my good friend, Tom Talbert. He was a Crew Chief in the 35th by the way. I had met him earlier in my short AF career. He mentioned he wanted to go see his cousin who was in the Navy and assigned to the Swift Boats at CRB. He invited me to go along so we "locked" up our aircraft and headed to the Navy side of the base. While we were talking his cousin got notified they were to go out on a short mission. It was only supposed to be for an hour or so and he got permission for us to tag along. Long story short, we were gone MUCH longer than an hour or two. When we finally got back to shore, Tom and I thanked the crew for a great time and headed back for our aircraft. Much to my surprise my aircraft was not where I had left it. So I went to Ops to find out where she had gone. Since she was OR when I left I figured she had been sent on a short mission before rotating back to Naha.  That's when the $h!* hit the fan. I was placed under arrest and was held until I was put on the next A/C going back to Naha where I was met yet again by the AP's and taken to the Line Chief (MSGT. George Tanner). He informed me that I would have to explain to the First Shirt and Squadron Commander why I had gone AWOL in SVN of all places. After I told him the truth and nothing but the truth ( I did leave Tom's name out of it), he commenced to chew my @$$. What the Hell was I thinking. If something had happened the AF would have listed me AWOL and missing in action, etc. If MSGT. Tanner had not vouched for me I do not know what they would have done. I really dodged a bullet.

     

    I am in the first picture:626538647_SwiftBoat4.jpg.582c4f15c0db3315bf5135b02ccc44b6.jpg

    Swift Boat2.jpg

    Swift Boat3.jpg

    Swift Boat5.jpg

    Swift Boat6.jpg

    Swift Boat10.jpg

    Swift Boat11.jpg

  5. The Vase
     

    A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.

    He says "What's this?"

    She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

    He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."

    She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."


     
     

     

  6. One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

    "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband.

    "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?"

    "Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

  7. Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.

    “What’s up Bob?” asked the bartender… It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”

    “It’s my five year old son…” Bob replied.
    “Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically.

    “ I only wish it was that,” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant.”

    “Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.

    “It’s not,” said the man. "The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

  8. A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

    Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

    The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

    Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

    The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

    Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

    "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

    "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

  9. 1- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
    2- There are two kinds of pedestrians . . . The quick and the dead.
    3- Life is sexually transmitted.
    4- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
    5- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
    6- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
    7- Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
    8- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
    9- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
    10- In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
    11- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
    12- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out’? Hmmmmm, How about eggs ? . . .
    13- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
    14- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
    16- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
    17- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
    18- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
    19- Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

  10. A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell."Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how *wrong* he is."

    • Haha 1
  11. A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping
    the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church
    by hand.
    He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from
    copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes
    to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone
    made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up.
    In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

    The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for
    centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down
    into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
    manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
    been opened for hundreds of years.

    Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk
    gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging
    his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we
    missed the "R"!
    His forehead is bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

    The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
    With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
    "The word was CELEBRATE!"

    • Haha 1
  12. In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

    Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

    The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

    There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.

    An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

    Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

    Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

    There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

    Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.

    • Haha 1
  13. An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a bar. After scrutinizing the group, the bartender says "I'm sorry, but I can't let you come in here without a Thai."

    • Thanks 1
  14. The Brothel:

    A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood.
    Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn.

    Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree.

    Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

    He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked.

    A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

    "This is a brothel" replied the madam.

    "Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

    "Oh, we're having a yard sale today.

    • Haha 1
  15. Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

    After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

    As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.


    Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table,
    asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

    He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

    After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

    They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

    Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

    To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business

    • Like 1
  16. Milk Bath

    A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

    When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.

    The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

    The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

    The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

    The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."

    • Haha 1
  17. Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

    "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

    "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

    • Haha 1
  18. King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place, which made it basically useless.

    "This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"

    "Ah, sire, just observe, " said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

    After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

    Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

    Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way, everyone of them except, Sir Galahad.

    "Sir Galahad, " exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. Whatever it is in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."

    But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless

    • Haha 1
  19. Food Spoilage Guide For Bachelors:
     
    Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!
     
    THE GAG TEST
    Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
     
    EGGS
    When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
     
    DAIRY PRODUCTS
    Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
     
    MAYONNAISE
    If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
     
    FROZEN FOODS
    Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
     
    EXPIRATION DATES
    This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
     
    MEAT
    If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
     
    BREAD
    Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
     
    FLOUR
    Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
     
    SALT
    It never spoils.
     
    CEREAL
    It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
     
    LETTUCE
    Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
     
    CANNED GOODS
    Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
     
    CARROTS
    A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
     
    RAISINS
    Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
     
    POTATOES
    Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
     
    CHIP DIP
    If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
     
    EMPTY CONTAINERS
    Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
     
    UNMARKED ITEMS
    You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
     
    GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
    Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
    • Haha 1
  20. A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

    The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

    "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

    "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

    "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

    • Haha 1
  21. Pick-up Lines and Replies:

    HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
    SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

    HE: Go on, dont be shy. Ask me out!
    SHE: Okay, get out!

    HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
    SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

    HE: Where have you been all my life?
    SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

    HE: Where have you been all my life?
    SHE: Hiding from you.

    HE: I think I could make you very happy
    SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

    HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
    SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

    HE: Hi, Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
    SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

    HE: Can I buy you a drink?
    SHE: Actually, I'd rather have the money.

    HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
    SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

    HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
    SHE: I must've been given your share.

    HE: Will you go out with me this saturday?
    SHE: Sorry, I'm having a headache this weekend.

    HE: Can I have your name?
    SHE: Why? Dont you already have one?

    HE: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
    SHE: Yes, that's why I dont go there anymore.

    HE: Is this seat empty?
    SHE: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

    HE: Hey baby, whats your sign?
    SHE: Do not enter.

  22. Psychic Frog

    A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

    The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

    "No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class.

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