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Sonny

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Posts posted by Sonny

    Things Never Said by Rednecks

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

    Things Never Said by  Rednecks

    -- Duct tape won't fix that.

    -- Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

    -- We don't keep firearms in the house.

    -- You can't feed that to the dog.

    -- The kids can't ride in the back of the pickup -- it's just not safe.

    -- Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

    -- We're vegetarians.

    -- Do you think my gut is too big?

    -- Honey, we don't need another dog.

    -- Who's Richard Petty?

    -- We could just share a small bag of pork rinds

    .-- Too many deer heads detract from the decor

    .-- I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today

    .-- Is there anything in this restaurant that's NOT fried?

    -- The tires on that truck are too big.

    -- I've got it all on the C drive.

    -- There's too much sugar in this tea.

    -- Checkmate.

    -- I believe you cooked those greens too long

    A Telephone Salesman

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

    A Telephone Salesman

    telephoned a household, and a four-year-old boy answered. The conversation went thus:

    Salesman: May I speak to your mother?

    Boy: She's not here.

    Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?

    Boy: My sister.

    Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?

    Boy: I guess so.

    At this point there was a very long silence on the phone. Then:

    Boy: Hello?

    Salesman: It's you. I thought you were going to call your sister.

    Boy: I did. But I can't get her out of the playpen

    • Haha 1

    Happy St. Patricks Day!!!

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
    looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
    His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
    his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
    " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
    "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
    "He couldn't do that to you,
    he must have had something in his hand."
    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
    and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
    " Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
    didn't you have something in your hand?"
    That I did," said Paddy.
    "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
    beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

    • Haha 1

    The Angry Genie

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

    The Angry Genie

    One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.

    Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."

    So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.

    For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.

    Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

    Stuff

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

    Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard!
    I bet you I could stop gambling.
    I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.
    I can't get enough minimalism.
    I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
    Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?
    The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
    I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
    I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
    Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
    Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.
    There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.
    Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.
    Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?
    Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
    If at first you don't succeed, try left field.
    When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, "I didn't get to where I am today by listening to people like you!
    Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.
    I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.
    If #2 pencils are the most popular, why are they still #2?
    I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.
    I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York.
    I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
    Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.
    It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
    There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".
    One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?"
    A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.
    A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
    Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
    Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.
    Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?
    Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.
    Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
    Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
    All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
    Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.
    How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on

    Twins and Twins

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

    Twins and Twins

    A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

    She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Kathy and Katy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth and Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen---- "

    "Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"

    The woman answered, "Heck no, there were whole bunch of times we didn't get nothin'."

    • Haha 1

    What is a Cat? What is a Dog?

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

    What is a Cat?

    1. Cats do what they want.
    2. They rarely listen to you.
    3. They're totally unpredictable.
    4. They whine when they are not happy.
    5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
    6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
    7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
    8. They're moody.
    9. They leave hair everywhere.
    10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

    Conclusion: They're tiny women in fur coats.

     

    What is a Dog?

     

    1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
    2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
    3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
    4. They growl when they are not happy.
    5. When you want to play, they want to play.
    6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
    7. They are great at begging.
    8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
    9. They leave their toys everywhere.
    10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

    Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

    Things You Can't Say With a Hallmark Card

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

     
     

    1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

    2. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

    3. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."

    4. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

    5. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

    6. "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

    7. "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"

    8. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

    9. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

    10. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

    11. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

    12. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."

    13. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

    14. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

    15. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."

    16. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!

    17. "Congratulations on getting Married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"

    18. "I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."

    19. "Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."

    20. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

    At the Dentist

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

    At the Dentist:
    I had to go to the dentist -- very scared of the dentist. I go into the office, and I'm waiting. A little kid comes out, and he's crying. The dentist bends over and gives him a lollipop. I'm like, 'Don't take that, man. That's what got you in here in the first place.'

    Employment History

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

    My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

    I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

    I was a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job.

    I worked in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

    I was a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

    I tried to be a chef. I thought it would add a little spice to my life,but I just didn't have the thyme.

    I was a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

    I was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

    I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

    I worked in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

    I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

    I always wanted to be a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

    I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

    I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

    I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

    I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

    I got a job as a historian but I realized there was no future in it.

    I was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

    Golf Partner

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

    A fellow comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Tom O'Brien in the games anymore.
     
    The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?"
     
    "Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife.
     
    "Well," says the husband, "neither would Tom O'Brien."

    25 facts of life

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

    25 facts of life

    1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

    2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

    3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

    4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

    5.  You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

    6. A penny saved is worthless.

    7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East.  Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

    8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

    9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

    10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

    11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

    12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

    13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms.  When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show.  The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT."  And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

    14. Nobody is normal.

    15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: * The universe is even bigger than they thought! * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! * Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

    16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

    17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

    18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:  * If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father. * If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. * If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability. * If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.

    19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

    20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

    21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

    22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

    23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

    24. Your friends love you anyway.

    25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

    You're in big trouble when.........

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

     

    I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN...

    ...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

    ...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.

    ...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."

    ...I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.

    ...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.

    ...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.

    ...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

    ...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.

    ...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

    ...my secretary sez things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."

    ...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.

    ...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.

    ...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.

    ...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on m

    Fire Truck Dog

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

     

    Ricky, Tony, and Leroy were out riding their bikes in downtown Chicago when a fire engine zoomed past with blaring sirens.

    The three boys spotted an Alsatian dog on the front seat of the fire engine.

    Ricky commented, "They use that dog to control sightseers."

    "No," said Tony, "he's just for good luck."Witticisms

    But Leroy knew better, "No, that's not it," he said. "The dog is there to point the firemen to the nearest fire hydrant!"

    People Say the Strangest Things

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

    People Say the Strangest Things:

    These phrases were culled from the small ad columns of local newspapers in the UK and the USA:

    Semi-annual after-Christmas sale.Auto repair service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you' ll never go anywhere again.

    We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $10.00.

    Auto repair service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

    Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

    Tattoos done while you wait.

    Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months.

    Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

    For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

    Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

    Wanted: Mother's helper - peasant working conditions.Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?

    Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

    Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.

    No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

    Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?

    A person should bathe once in summer but not so often in winter.

    Spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. Spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

    Wife's Birthday

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

    A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Mary? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

    She said, "I want a divorce."

    He replied in shock, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

    • Haha 1

    Crazy Laws

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

    Crazy Laws -
     
    It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.
     
    It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen's image upside-down.
     
    It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.
     
    Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned in Britain.
     
    The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen.
     
    It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armor
     
    If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and needs the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter.
     
    In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet.
     
    It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing.
     
    In Trinity College students can demand a glass of wine at any time during an exam, provided they are wearing their sword.
     
    It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.
     
    In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk.
     
    In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of longbow practice a day.
     
    In England it is illegal to be drunk on Licensed Premises. [pubs, clubs and bars, restaurants]
     
    In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague.
     
    It is illegal for a cab in the City of London to carry rabid dogs or corpses
     
    In Scotland it is illegal to be a drunk in possession of a cow
     
    In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.
     
    In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon.
     
    It is illegal to kiss on railways in France.
     
    Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London.
     
    In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.
     
    In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
     
    In Massachusetts Christmas was outlawed in 1659. Not until 1856 did Christmas—along with Washington’s Birthday and the Fourth of July—finally become a public holiday in Massachusetts.
     
    In New Hampshire it is against the law to tap your feet, nod your head or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant or cafe.
     
    In Oklahoma criminals can be fined, arrested or jailed for making faces at a dog (Barking Mad).
     
    In Germany it is illegal to wear a mask.
     
    It is illegal for a student to walk through Trinity College, Dublin, Ireland, without a sword.
     
    In Antwerp, Belgium, it is illegal to wear a red hat and walk down the main street.
     
    In Israel picking your nose on Saturday is forbidden.
     
    In Singapore failure to flush a public toilet after use may result in a very large fine.
     
    In Australia it is illegal to dress up as Batman

    Ballerina

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

    A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink?

    The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, Give the ballerina a drink!

    The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink?

    Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, Give the ballerina another drink!

     

    The bartender approached the little drunk and said, I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?

    As far as I'm concerned, the drunk replied, any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!

    • Haha 1

    Ya Might be a Redneck If:

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

    Ya Might be a Redneck If:
     
    Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
     
    You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
     
    The blue book value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
     
    You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
     
    You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
     
    You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
     
    The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
     
    Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
     
    You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
     
    You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
     
    You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
     
    Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this."
     
    You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
     
    Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
     
    You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with.
     
    More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
     
     
    You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve
     
    Fewer than half of your cars run.
     
    There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
     
    Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
     
    The primary color of your car is "bondo".
     
    You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
     
    Your family tree doesn't fork.
     
    Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
     
    You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
     
    The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
     
    You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
     
    You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
     
    The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
     
    Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
     
    You've been too drunk to fish.
     
    You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
     
    You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
     
    You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures
     
    You've ever financed a tattoo.
     
    You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
     
    Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
     
    The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
     
    Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
     
    Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
     
    You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

    Frank

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

    A man walks out to the street and catches a cab just going by. He gets into the cab, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

    Passenger: "Who?"

    Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

    Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

    Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

    Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

    Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me - I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

    Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

    Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

    Passenger: "An amazing man. How did you meet him?"

    Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his friggin widow.....

    A funny thought for the day from the movies:

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

    A funny thought for the day from the movies...

    "It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces."
    ~ Renee Zellweger, Bridget Jone's Diary ~

    [talking about his new wife] "Ignore her. She's drunk. At least I hope she is. Otherwise I'm in real trouble."
    ~ Timothy Walker, Four Weddings and a Funeral ~ `

    "Relax Luther, it's much worse than you think."
    ~ Ethan Hunt, Mission: Impossible ~

    "All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work."
    ~ Steve Martin, Bilko ~

    "You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music."
    ~ The Cable Guy ~

    "The key here, I think, is to not think of death as an end. But, but, think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses."
    ~ Woody Allen, Love and Death ~

    Neighbors

    in Sonny's Funnies

    Posted

    Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?"

    A few minutes later, Timmy returned.

    "Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?"

    "She's fine, except that she's angry at you."

    "At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?"

    "She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.

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