Sonny
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C-130 Hercules News
Posts posted by Sonny
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A blonde called the airport for flight information.
"How long is your flight from Los Angeles to Denver?” she asked.
"Just a minute," the pleasant agent replied.
"Thank You" she said and hung up.-
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A boiled egg is hard to beat.A calendar's days are numbered.A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.A plateau is a high form of flattery.Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis.Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.Acupuncture: a jab well done.
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After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Melissa decided she had been stood up. She changed from her best dinner dress into her pajamas and slippers, fixed herself a snack and resigned herself to an evening of TV.No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date.He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late ... and you're still not ready?"
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The Funny Wisdoms of Life: Some Are Witty and Some Are Even True:The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order - Brian PickrellNever miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it - Author unknownHe has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard - UnknownI refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer - Douglas AdamsThe empty vessel makes the greatest sound - William ShakespeareSilence and smile are two powerful words. Smile is the way to solve many problems and Silence is the way to avoid many problems - AnonKnowledge talks, wisdom listensThere cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full - Henry KissingerHe could start a row in an empty house - Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis WiseI have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure - Clarence DarrowHe has all the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire - Winston ChurchillI used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure - W.C. FieldsIn the book of life, the answers aren't in the back - Charlie BrownTo succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone - Reba McEntireNever take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway - AnonMistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection of mistakes called Experience leads us to successA wise man listens to advice - Proverbs 12:15
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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass.
What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left me hat." -
How careers end:
Lawyers are disbarred.
Ministers are defrocked.
Electricians are delighted.
Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.
Drunks are distilled.
Alpine climbers are dismounted.
Piano tuners are unstrung.
Orchestra leaders are disbanded.
Artists' models are deposed.
Cooks are deranged.
Dressmakers are unbiased.
Nudists are redressed.
Office clerks are defiled.
Mediums are dispirited.
Programmers are decoded.
Accountants are discredited.
Holy people are disgraced.
Pastry chefs are deserted.
Perfume makers are dissented.
Butterfly collectors are debugged.
Students are degraded.
Electricians are refused.
Bodybuilders are rebuffed.
Underwear models are debriefed
Painters are discolored.
Spinsters are dismissed.
Judges are disappointed.
Vegas dealers are discarded.
Mathematicians are discounted.
Tree surgeons disembark. -
Having a rough day?
Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already. -
Words of Wisdom (2)
There are only two things you "have to" do in life, you "have to" die, and you "have to" live until you die. You make up all the rest.
Life is a journey, not a destination.
He who laughs, lasts.
If you are not rich, notice how you make yourself poor.
The biggest risk in life is not risking.
Learn to create, not compete.
Anger is one letter short of danger.
Keep the lesson but throw away the experience.
There is no right or wrong, only consequences.
All unhappiness is caused by comparison.
It is not enough to aim, you must hit.
If you and your partner always agree, one of you is unnecessary.
Fortune favors the bold !
What is, was. What was, is. What will be, is up to me.
You can only have one thing in life, results.
You cannot control without being controlled.
If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.
When you blame others, you give up your power to change.
Criticize the performance, not the performer.
If you prepare for old age, old age comes sooner.
If you have to be happy, you will always be unhappy.
Hoping and Wishing are excuses for not Doing. -
Words of wisdom
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A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her ... at all.
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Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
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Smart boss + smart employee = profit
smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime -
Dilbert's words of wisdom
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more junk you put up with, the more junk you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous". -
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink: Lady Astor to Winston ChurchillMadam, if you were my wife, I would drink it: Was Winston's reply.Work is the curse of the drinking class: Oscar Wilde.When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading: Henny Youngman.He was a wise man who invented beer: Plato.He talked with more claret than clarity: Susan ErtzOne reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time: Nancy AstorBeer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy: Benjamin Franklin.You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on: Dean Martin.The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind : Humphrey Bogart.You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer: Frank Zappa.Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut: Ernest Hemmingway.Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me: Winston Churchill.I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer: Homer SimpsonI drink to make other people interesting: George Jean Nathan.The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism: Norman BrennerAn intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools: Ernest Hemmingway.My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle: Henny YoungmanThere are two things that will be believed of any man whatsoever, and one of them is that he has taken to drink: Booth Tarkington
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Dad Jokes:
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”
“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”
I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done -
Jennie was sitting at the defendant's table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand.
The lawyer asked, 'When you stopped the defendant, Jennie, were your red and blue lights flashing?'
'Yes, sir, they were.'
'Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?'
'Yes, sir, she did.'
'And,' looking at Jennie, 'what was it the defendant said?'
'She said, "What disco am I at?''
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A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
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Ponderings:
How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
You know how most packages say "Open here".What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ?
The light went out, but where to ?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are?
Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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A very interesting film about the first Air Force One:
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An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told
the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace,
emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.""But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm
sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy
looking for the jewelry." -
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
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Hillbilly Knows Best
A hillbilly farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store.
'Heya, Wilbur,' said Ron, the store owner. 'Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?'
'You betcha, Ron. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?'
'Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a "match".
'Match? Never heard of it.''Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this,' Ron says, taking a match and striking it on his trousers.
'Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Ron.'
'Well, why not?''I can't be walking twelve miles every time I want a fire and borrow your trousers.'
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How many contract lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
WHEREAS, the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the
entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated
by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option
of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the
aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal
transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:Section 1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate
the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, this
point being non-negotiable.Section 2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the
party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party
of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable
federal, state and local statutes.Section 3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of
the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the
party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a
manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step Section 1
of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur
in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the
objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth
part, also known as the "Partnership”. -
Things You Can't Say With a Hallmark Card
1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
2. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
3. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
4. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
5. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
6. "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
7. "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"
8. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."
9. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
10. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
11. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
12. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."
13. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
14. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
15. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
16. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
17. "Congratulations on getting Married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"
18. "I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."
19. "Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."
20. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
21. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
22. "We have been friends for a very long time. What say we call it quits?"
23. "If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much."
24. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in certain select states) -
The Funny Wisdoms of Life: Some Are Witty and Some Are Even True
- The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order - Brian Pickrell
- Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it - Author unknown
- He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard - Unknown
- I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer - Douglas Adams
- The empty vessel makes the greatest sound - William Shakespeare
- Silence and smile are two powerful words. Smile is the way to solve many problems and Silence is the way to avoid many problems - Anon
- Knowledge talks, wisdom listens
- There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full - Henry Kissinger
- He could start a row in an empty house - Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise
- I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure - Clarence Darrow
- He has all the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire - Winston Churchill
- I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure - W.C. Fields
- In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back - Charlie Brown
- To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone - Reba McEntire
- Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway - Anon
- Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection of mistakes called Experience leads us to success
- A wise man listens to advice - Proverbs 12:15
Interesting Questions
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