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C-130 Hercules News
Posts posted by Sonny
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Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
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Signs Found In The Kitchen:
So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.
Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse.
It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
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I was the Assistant Crew Chief on her at McGuire AFB, NJ in 1966-67
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School
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.
'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!
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A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"
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Vintage Classifed Adverts:Youngsters aren't the only people who take out personal ads. Seniors do too! And they have a sense of humor as well. Here are funny classifed ads placed by actual senior citizens in Florida plus a few from Arizona.Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out, and enjoy quiet times.Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy.I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5' 4" (used to be 5' 6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.80-year-old, bubbly, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?Wanted: Bonded escort, silver-haired (not dyed), two days a week for three active ladies, eighty-plus. Should look rich (but not too rich). Politically conservative. Good bridge player and waltzer. Sharp enough to handle six Bingo cards at once. Prefer chauffeur's license, L.P.N., and Black Belt in karate.
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Are You a Cop
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?
Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.
My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'
'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
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Two blondes and a Hammer:Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
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Ed
"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'hoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It could not have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later, he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I do not know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it will not happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Ed replied.
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
I was a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job.
I worked in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I was a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I tried to be a chef. I thought it would add a little spice to my life,but I just didn't have the thyme.
I was a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
I was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
I worked in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I always wanted to be a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
I got a job as a historian but I realized there was no future in it.
I was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
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Makes Ya Think:
Do most twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
What if my dog only brings back the ball because he/she thinks I like throwing it?
If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".
Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse while only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
Your future self is watching you right now through memories.
The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.
If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.
Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.
If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day." -
The Aisle, the Altar, and the Hymn
Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery:
Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get
married, begin the quest to change their behavior and life-style once
their vows are exchanged?Finally, the riddle is solved.
A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation.
When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down
the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir
singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts
where the brain absorbs these three stimuli:Aisle, altar, and hymn.
She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions:
Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn.
And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is
complete. She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself:'I'll alter him!’
HERE ENDETH THE LESSON!
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GREAT REASONS TO BE A GUY:
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
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Like Father, Like Husband?
If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
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A Senior Citizen
I am a senior citizen...
- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.
- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...
- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...
- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...
- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
- I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.
- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.
- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I? -
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?" -
3 Docs at Heaven's Gate:Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.The doctor first doctor said "Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work."The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came.He said, "I haven't won any prizes, but I've started free clinics and helped those in need for free." St. Peter let him in.The third doctor said, "I'm responsible for all the HMO's across the United States."St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, "OK...I'll let you in, but only for three days!"
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7 Word Obituary:
A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor
informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a
word.She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it
read, 'Billy Bob died'."Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am,
there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few
seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983
Pick-up for sale.'"-
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Right back at ya!!!!
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A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was
jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag."Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about
them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.""That's the same with us," the American said, "Only we see stars, too."
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Two roofers, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying shingles, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder."I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.""What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.""What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."
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When Santa came home, his wife, Jeeto, was crying.
"Your mother insulted me," Jeeto sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the country?" Santa asked.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."
"And?"
"At the end of the letter it said, 'Dear Jeeto, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son.'"
Blind Bat aircraft 1969-70 from John Allen
in C-130 Historical
Posted
Thanks Cap!