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Sonny

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  1. Sonny

    STUFF

    If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less. If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once. If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine. If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right. If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent. If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good. If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. If the probability of success is not almost one, it is very near zero. If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. If there isn't a law, there will be. If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10 it will. If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel. If things were left to chance, they would be better. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education! If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon. If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.
  2. ADULT TRUTHS: 1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories. 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay. 17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. 22. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
  3. Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. "Mr Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "Oh, Mr Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived them all" - and he calmly returned to his seat
  4. Philosophers Of the Century ... Betsy Salkind... Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. Jean Kerr.. The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. Prince Philip... When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. Harrison Ford... Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. Spike Milligan... The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree. Jean Rostand... Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror Arnold Schwarzenegger... Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. WH Auden... We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. Jonathan Katz... In hotel rooms, I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. Johnny Carson... If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. Steve Martin... Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. Jimmy Durante... Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. George Roberts. The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. Jonathan Winters... If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. Robert Benchley... I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. John Glenn... As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. David Letterman... America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. Howard Hughes... I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire. Old Italian proverb.. After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
  5. A very elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid nineties, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave. He presents a very well looked after image. Seated at the bar is an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid eighties). The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a Manhattan. He takes a sip. He slowly turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
  6. Silly Dictionary: Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable \uh-avoy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with. Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does. Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did after his bag was full of loot. Misty \miss'-tee\: How golfers create divots. Paradox \par'-of-docks\: Two physicians. Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm. Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with. Primate \pri'-mate\: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Relief \ree-leaf'\: What trees do in the spring. Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife. Seamstress \seem'-stress\: Describes 250 pounds in a size six. Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does. Subdued \some-dood'\: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man. Sudafed \soo'-da-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official
  7. On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon." The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
  8. An Old Farmer's Advice: * Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance. * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. * A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. * Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. * Meanness don't jes' happen overnight. * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. * You cannot unsay a cruel word. * Every path has a few puddles. * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. * The best sermons are lived, not preached. * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen, anyway. * Don't judge folks by their relatives. * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. * Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. * Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. * Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. * Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. * The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'' * Always drink upstream from the herd. * Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. * Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. * If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. * Live simply Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. *Leave the rest to God.
  9. Strange and Funny Tombstones: Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. ****************************** In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go. ****************************** In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767 **************************** In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace: The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. ****************************** In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast.. Pardon me For not rising. ****************************** In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake. ****************************** In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays The Kid. We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw. **************************** A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange. . Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange. ***************************** John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: Reader, if cash thou art In want of any, Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny. ***************************** In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune. ***************************** Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont Here lies the body of our Anna - Done to death by a banana. It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go. ****************************** On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled out and went to God ***************************** In a cemetery in England: Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I. As I am now, you soon will be. Prepare yourself and follow me. To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To follow you I'll not consent Until I know which way you went ****************************** Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona: Here lies Lester Moore One slug from a 44 No Les No More
  10. The guide to wife translations: The wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It's your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You'll pay for this later The wife says: We need to talk The wife means: I need to complain The wife says: Sure... go ahead The wife means: I don't want you to The wife says: I'm not upset The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron The wife says: You're ... so manly The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights The wife means: I have flabby thighs. The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient The wife means: I want a new house. The wife says: I want new curtains. The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper! The wife says: I need wedding shoes. The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white. The wife says: Hang the picture there The wife means: No, I mean hang it there! The wife says: I heard a noise The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep. The wife says: Do you love me? The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive. The wife says: How much do you love me? The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like. The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute. The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap. The wife says: Am I fat? The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful. The wife says: You have to learn to communicate. The wife means: Just agree with me. The wife says: Are you listening to me? The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.] The wife says: Yes The wife means: No The wife says: No The wife means: No The wife says: Maybe The wife means: No The wife says: I'm sorry The wife means: You'll be sorry The wife says: Do you like this recipe? The wife means: You better get used to it The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place. The wife says: Was that the baby? The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him The wife says: I'm not yelling! The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important! In answer to the question "What's wrong?" The wife says: The same old thing. The wife means: Nothing. The wife says: Nothing. The wife means: Everything. The wife says: Nothing, really. The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot. The wife says: I don't want to talk about it. The wife means: I'm still building up steam.
  11. Business One Liners : Any wire cut to length will be too short. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else. Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked. Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool. Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. Anything in parentheses can be ignored. Anything is easier to take apart than to put together. Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. Anything labeled "New" and/or "Improved" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "All New", "Completely New", or "Great New" means the price went way up. Anything that doesn't eat you today is saving you for tomorrow. Anything that is designed to do more than one thing cannot do any of them well. Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are. Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity. As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.
  12. Reasons to allow drinking at work: The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol. 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
  13. Business one-liners: A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense. A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work. A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead. A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun. A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. A closed mouth gathers no foot. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle A committee is twelve men doing the work of one. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. - Abba Eban A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place. A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library. A crisis is when you cannot say "let's just forget the whole thing."
  14. The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 43 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, S#*%!" Only the states of West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."
  15. Sonny

    The Vase

    The Vase: A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
  16. Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said,'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
  17. Life Across The USA: You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel. 3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face. 5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top. 6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads. 7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never find a town. 8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! 10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. You Live in California when.. 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone. 3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 4. You know how to eat an artichoke. 5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. You Live in New York City when... 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. 2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. 3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 4. You think Central Park is "nature." 5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 6. You've worn out a car horn. 7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression. You Live in Maine when... 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco. 2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. 3. You have more than one recipe for moose. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. You Live in the Deep South when... 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural. 3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?" 4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense. 5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean,etc. You live in Colorado when... 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. You live in the Midwest when... 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!" You live in Florida when... 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars. 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
  18. A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
  19. : Man Struck by Lightning faces Battery Charge Astronaut takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws his Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire British Union finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine may Contain Rabies Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing Steals Clock, Faces Time Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction Include your Children when Baking Cookies Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
  20. A collection of some of the best "Out Of Office" automatic responses: 1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. 2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. 3. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management. 4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. 5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. 6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over). 7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. 8. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. 9. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages. 10. I've run away to join a different circus. AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE: 11. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'
  21. What Gender is A Computer: A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.'' A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?' ' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computador''), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won!!!
  22. GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 😎 You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
  23. THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE: 1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing. 11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 13. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! 18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 19. Procrastinate Now! 20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance 23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 24.. Be thankful we are not getting all the government we are paying for. 25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. 26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson. 30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
  24. BUMPER STICKERS Give me coffee and no one gets hurt. Don't wash this vehicle - Undergoing scientific dirt test Cover me. I'm changing lanes. Keep honking, I'm reloading He who laughs last thinks slowest Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me Jesus is coming, everyone look busy I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person The Earth Is Full - Go Home As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools My kid had sex with your honor student. Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT! I is a college student I souport publik edekasion If you think education is expensive, Try ignorance Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. You! Out Of The Gene Pool! The gene pool could use a little chlorine. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Beer - Helping ugly people have sex since 1765 BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. Why drink and drive, when you can smoke and fly. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, "Just who do you think you are?" When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being mean. STUPIDITY should be Painful This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an ass. Atheism is a non-profit organization. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. Protected by .357 Magnum 3 days a week. You guess which 3
  25. The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers: - Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One - Miners Refuse to Work after Death - Include Your Children when Baking Cookies - Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide - Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead - Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says - Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers - Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted - Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin case - Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents - Iraqi Head Seeks Arms - Prostitutes Appeal to Pope - Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over - British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands - Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms - Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe - Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told - Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant - War Dims Hope for Peace - Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures - Deer Kill 17,000 - Stolen Painting Found by Tree - Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy - Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire - Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood - Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half - New Vaccine May Contain Rabies - Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors - Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter - Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years - Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges - Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge - New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group - Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft - Kids Make Nutritious Snacks - Eye Drops Off Shelf - Teachers Strike Idle Kids - Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead - Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died
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