Sonny

Actual Newspaper Headlines #2 Lady Gaga Fan Dies at Concert, Recovers Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years New Housing for Elderly Not Yet Dead Pasco Man Arrested: Says 48 Beers was Likely 10 Too Many Motorcycle Deaths Drop, but Trend is Worrisome Woman with Arms Held Red Cross in Search of Donors with Low Blood Supply Local Man Fails Breathalyzer Test Despite Eating Underwear Supreme Court Rules that Murderers shall not be Electrocuted Twice for the Same Crime Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung Police Found Safe Under Blanket William Kelly Was Fed Secretary Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water Farmer Bill Dies in House Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus? Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails - Veterinarian Takes Over NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden Dr. Ruth to Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax

Actual Newspaper Headlines Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway, Creates Jam Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy Crack Found on Governor's Daughter New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group (thanks to Bob Morse) Navy Changes Skirt Policy, Making Apparel Optional Stolen Painting Found by Tree Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years Headless Body Found in Topless Bar (thanks to Larry) State Dinner Featured Cat, American Food All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery Chinese Apeman Dated Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter (thanks to Bob Morse) Woman Kicked by her Husband said to be Greatly Improved Former Man Dies in California MacArthur Flies Back to Front Shut-Ins Can Grow Indoors with Lights Deer Kill 17,000 Court to Try Shooting Defendant Lucky Man Sees Pals Die Passengers Hit by Cancelled Trains New Vaccine To Contain Rabies Lucky Victim Stabbed Three Times London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide (thanks to Bob Morse) Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge President of Company Says, "Stud Tires Out" Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire Bridge Held Up By Red Tape Man, Minus Ear, Waives Hearing Man is Fatally Slain

Toys: Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. Cameras: Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures. Locker Rooms: Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. Movies: Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. Jewelry: Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. Conversation: Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow, great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size." Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on. Leg Warmers: Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line." Friends: Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?" Restrooms: Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom. Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

Men vs. Women #1 Subtle differences. Handwriting: Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "b" and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note. Groceries: Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things. Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane. Relationships: Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. Sex: Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay. Maturity: Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. Magazines: Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. Bathrooms: Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items. Shoes: Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.

Too Much Coffee? #2 You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You have a conniption fit over spilled milk. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. You don't tan, you roast. You don't get mad, you get steamed. Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood. You can't even remember your second cup. You help your dog chase its tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." Your Thermos is on wheels. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You answer the door before people knock. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You speed walk in your sleep. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You lick your coffeepot clean. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. Cocaine is a downer. All your kids are named "Joe". You don't need a hammer to pound nails. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." You don't sweat, you percolate. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. You've worn the finish off your coffee table. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. You're so wired, you pick up FM radio. People can test their batteries in your ears. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf faster without a remote. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." You get drunk just so you can sober up.

I always finish what I st Procrastinate now. The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake. Rehab is for quitters. My dog can lick anyone! I have a degree in Liberal Arts - do you want fries with that? Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them. Do they ever shut up on your planet? If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons? All men are idiots, and I married their King. I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun! I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom? The trouble with life is there's no background music. NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine. Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose. Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? You - Off my planet.

Sparks, Thanks.

BUMPER STICKERS What I really need are minions. Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore. So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute? I'm an English major: You do the math. I need someone real bad. Are you real bad? Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. The more you complain the longer God makes you live. I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Out of my mind - back in five minutes. Without ME, it's just AWESO. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. Life would be easier if I had the source code. Hang up and drive. God must love stupid people. He made SO many. I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen. Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot. I fish, therefore I lie. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...? Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. Allow me to introduce my selves. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. There's no place like 127.0.0.1 I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? I'm supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse? You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done. Earth is full. Go home. Is it time for your medication or mine? Nyquil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine. How do I set a laser printer to stun? Getting on your feet means getting off your butt. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed. In dog years, I'm dead! South Korea's got Seoul! Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

BUMPER STICKERS: This bumper sticker intentionally left blank. When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS. What would Gandalf do? Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. Double your drive space. Delete Windows. Does anal retentive have a hyphen? If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it. Resistance is futile (if > 1 ohm). My mother was a moonshiner, and I love her still. MOP AND GLO - The floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team. I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. The control key on the keyboard does not work. The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up. National Sarcasm Society. (Like we need your support) Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk. Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly). If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex? Too much Pluribus, not enough Unum.

Words to Live By at Work #2 If at first you don't succeed, go into management. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" No matter how much you do, you never do enough. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. What am I? Flypaper for freaks? I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. No, my powers can only be used for good. How about never? Is never good for you? I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. Who me? I just wander from room to room. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Bumper Stickers Where is the rapture when you need it? Faster than a speeding ticket. Better half a slogan... People who think they know it all really annoy those of us who do. Ham radio operators do it with greater frequency. I have a perfect body. It's your vision that's defective. Well, at least the war on the environment is going well. Just be happy I'm not a twin. I'm not perfect, but I'm so close that it scares me. Churches only worship the prophet margin. You probably don't recognize me without my cape. Don't believe everything you think. Without geometry, life is pointless. WWJD (Who Wants Jelly Donuts? I'm schizophrenic and so am I. Cats make everything taste better. Stable relationships are for horses. Your body would look good in my trunk. Just say NO to negativity. I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure. 333: I'm only half evil. I read the Constitution for the articles.

Experience What is it? Experience is what you get when you're looking for something else. Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first, and the lesson afterwards. Past experience should be a guide post, not a hitching post. Experience is knowledge acquired too late. Some people learn from their experiences, some people never recover from them. Experience is what you have left when everything else is gone. An optimist is someone without much experience. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Experience is knowing a lot of things that you shouldn't do. Some people speak from experience. Some people, from experience, don't speak. Experience is a good school, but you never get a vacation. There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience, and that is not learning from experience. Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it the second time. The school of experience will let you repeat the lesson if you flunk the first time. Experience is something you have plenty of when you're too old to get the job.

Why were you fired? I used to be a butcher, but I backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in my work. I used to be an optician, but I made a spectacle of myself. I worked on screen doors, but I strained myself. I used to work as a hot-air balloon pilot, but my status was up in the air. I used to work in a frozen food factory, but I got fresh and then they canned me. I used to work in a dairy. I got fired for getting in the whey. I lost my job at the massage parlor. I rubbed people the wrong way. I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening. I was working in an orange juice factory, but I couldn't concentrate. I tried to be a chef. I imagined it would add a little spice to my life, but I didn't have the thyme. I once was a tailor, but I wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job. I worked at Starbucks, but it was the same old grind. I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. I tried to work at a deli, but no matter how I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. I worked for a plumber, but that work was too draining. I even worked as a lumberjack, but I couldn't hack it. So they gave me the ax. I tried to work in a shoe factory, but I couldn't fit in. I became a fisherman, but couldn't live on my net income. I was a musician, but I found I wasn't noteworthy. I then got a job at a workout club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. I got a job as a historian, but there was no future in that! I wanted to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

C-130E 62-1814 CRB, Viet Nam March 3, 1968. Fire in aft cockpit. Some say caused by a hard landing. I believe all aboard survived.

Will Rogers Quotes Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known. Here are some of his best quotes: We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs. - Will Rogers Never squat while wearing your spurs. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Always drink upstream from the herd. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket. There are three kinds of men: the ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a 20 dollar bill fell out onto the path. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are 20 dollar bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no," said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, I would make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time a guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me 20, or off it comes.'" "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays."

I also just ordered the book. Just wanted to find out if I did it right all those years ago. Then Ken and I are will compare notes.

Questions to be Answered: Why are outlets electrical but inlets are geographical? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why isn't anything in Wal-Mart free yet, if they're lowering prices every day? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why do they call the airport the terminal, if flying is so safe? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why isn't it called an asteroid instead of a hemorrhoid - it's on your butt! (thanks to Alex Garofalo) Why is dyslexic such a hard word to spell? (thanks to Jordan) Why are the others here, if we are here to help others? Why do you believe it when someone tells you there are four billion stars, but you always check when you see the wet paint sign? Why does lighting an outdoor grill always make the wind blow? Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a chapter 11? Why isn't there butt-flavored cat food? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath is in the bottle, the bubbles are always white? Why do we say "It's colder than hell outside"? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why is the word "lisp" spelled with an "S"? Why do they call it a building when it's already built? Why do you have to buy Barbie's friends, if she's so popular? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat has materialized? Why do we still have apes (if people evolved from apes)? Why is dental floss mint flavored? All I ever taste is blood and chicken. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but he still ducks when someone throws the gun at him? Why do you keep trying to vacuum up that string, and when it doesn't get picked up, you'll pick it up and then put it down to give the vacuum another chance? Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

Wacky Science Facts as told by students: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind. Talc is found on rocks and on babies. The law of gravity says "no fair jumping up without coming back down". When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand. While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction. South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage. Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever. There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days. Lime is a green-tasting rock. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers. We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up. In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's. Clouds are high flying fogs. I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do. Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does. Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe. Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail. Rain is saved up in cloud banks. In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes. Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man. A blizzard is when it snows sideways. A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size. A monsoon is a French gentleman. Thunder is a rich source of loudness. Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound. It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

A couple is lying in bed. Man: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." Woman: "I'll miss you." One of my friends watches a boxing match and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him." As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old accountant get hit in the face once and cry. At a nudist colony for intellectuals in England: Two old men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, "I say, old boy, have you read Marx?" The other says, "Yes, it's these wicker chairs." Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? Anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. "Dad, can you do my homework for me?" "No, I'm sorry, it just wouldn't be right." "Well, maybe not, but give it a try anyway!" Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night. One was assaulted. If you don't pay your exorcist, you may get repossessed. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Does fuzzy logic tickle? 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence? Why shouldn't you make an atheist mad? Because he might burn a question mark on your front lawn. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? All computers wait at the same speed. How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game? None. It only takes Tolkiens. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny. Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. Tell me what you need, I'll tell you how to get along without it. Someday, we'll all look back on this and plow into a parked car. Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones. A very religious man fell into the quicksand. Firefighters come by and offer to help, but he says, "No, God will help me." Next come the police, they offer to help. Again the man says, "No, God will help me." He then sinks in the quicksand to his death. In heaven, he asks God why he didn't save him. God says, "What about the firemen and police I sent?" A drummer walks into a music store and says, "I'll buy that accordion over there." The cashier says, "You must be a drummer. That's the radiator." The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. What's brown and sticky? A stick. Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions." Why does a Pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat!

After all is said and done, more is said than done. Any design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development. A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works. If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order. If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. When all else fails, read the instructions. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way. Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it. The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management. A difficult task will be halted near completion by one tiny, previously insignificant detail. There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches. The more knowledge you gain, the less certain you are of it. Technicians are the only ones that don't trust technology. The more you want to contact someone over an instant messenger is inversely proportional to the chances that they will be online. The more important your email is, the worse your email program will screw it up. The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

If you can stay calm while everything around you is chaos, then you probably don't understand the seriousness of the situation. Plagiarism saves a lot of time. If your request was truly urgent I would have done it already. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. Always stay 100% behind your boss. Then it's easier to stab him in the back. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. Please file everything under B, for bulls*@t. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong several times gives you job security. To err is human, to blame someone else shows real management potential. What if they held a meeting - and nobody came? Would nothing still get done? A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Always give 100% at work. 10% Mondays, 20% Tuesdays, 40% Wednesdays, 25% Thursdays, 5% Fridays. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous". Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. Teamwork means never having to take the blame yourself. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he / she is supposed to be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

All you ever needed to know about work: The road to success is always under construction. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and hours are lost. If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will. As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. The first myth of management is that it exists. A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. To err is human, to blame somebody else shows good management skills. New systems generate new problems. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work. Some people manage by the book - even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the manufacturer and impossible for the serviceman. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and will cost the most