Sonny

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after beingaway. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why ??? OH, come on ... take a guess !!! Think about it !!! Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone !

A down and out musician was playing his harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman asked, May I please see your permit? I don't have one, confessed the musician. In that case, you will have to accompany me said the policeman. Splendid! exclaimed the musician. What shall we sing?

Dearest Redneck Son, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days, and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down! There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Your Favorite Aunt, Mom

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.†"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?' The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute...' 'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate, for me little brother, this gold Rolex, and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and...' 'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.' 'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.

The doctor placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," said he. "Yes, they used to be," she remorsed.

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Zis represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the to

"Joe asks Fred "What would you do if a nuclear war started & they sounded the four minute warning?" Fred answered " I'd make love to anything that moved, what would you do?" Joe replied "I'd stand very, very still!"

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an Early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 For every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his Body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be Measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, 'From the tip of my willy to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the sergeant-major to 'drop 'em', Which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant's willy and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?' The old sergeant-major calmly replied, " Afghanistan".

Ken, Happy Birthday. Hope it is the best ever and you have many, many more. Have enjoyed exchanging posts with you and reading about your experiences and I want to thank you for helping to jog my memory at times. Sonny

Mike and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Mike headed home frustrated. The following week when Mike's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp,they were shocked to see Mike. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go, Mike?" "I didn't have to," Mike replied. Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'." "When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'.... So ......,well... Here I am!".

Happy Birthday tinwhistle.

A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love†stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them. His curiosity getting the best of him, the guy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, “Guess who?†“But why?†Asked the young guy. “I’m a divorce lawyer,†the bald man replied

A blonde called the airport for flight information. "How long is your flight from Los Angeles to Denver?†she asked. "Just a minute," the pleasant agent replied. "Thank You" she said and hung up.

Then there was the farmer who had been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck. He ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" said the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes, that's right," replied the armer, nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?" "Yeah, but..." the farmer stammered. "A simple yes or no will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," replied the farmer quietly. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident, my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse, and shoots him dead. Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him, and shoots him dead too. Then he comes straight over to me, with his gun still smoking, and asks me how I was feeling. Now what the hell would you have said to him?"

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

A tightwad was convinced by a friend to buy a couple of lottery tickets. But after he won the big prize he didn’t seem happy. “What’s wrong?†the friend asked. “You just became a millionaire!†“I know,†he groaned, “But I can’t imagine why I bought that second ticket!â€

Looks like a good list. Strange that there were no AC-130B's.

Teacher: What does your father do for a living? Student: He is a magician. Teacher: what is his favorite event. Student: He cuts people in two. Teacher: How many brothers and sisters do you have? Student: One half-brother and one half-sister....

A young man was trying to park his car between two others. He put it in reverse, and bang- right into the car behind him. He then went forward and bang- right into the car in front. A young woman watching the maneuver couldn’t contain herself. “Do you always park by ear?†she asked.

Paraprosdokian Sentences A Paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to refrain or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ? Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. You're never too old to learn something stupid. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"

Some boy scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with flashlights".

Bob, Back before computers it was an ad to sell a set of encyclopedias!!

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."