Sonny

All you ever needed to know about work: The road to success is always under construction. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and hours are lost. If you tell your boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. When you try to prove to someone that something won't work, it will. As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. The first myth of management is that it exists. A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. To err is human, to blame somebody else shows good management skills. New systems generate new problems. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work. Some people manage by the book - even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the manufacturer and impossible for the serviceman. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and will cost the most

Confucius Say... Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper. Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground. One dog barks at something, the rest bark at him. Man who streaks is unsuited for his work. Girl who does everything under the sun gets everything sunburned. Man who places head in sand will get kicked in the end. Man who gets too big for his britches may get exposed in the end. Man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratches rear should not bite fingernails. Man who sinks into woman's arms soon will find arms in woman's sink. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Hourglasses are waste of time. Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ. All men eat, but Fu Man Chu. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left. Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent. If you want pretty nurse, you must be patient. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. Modern house without toilet uncanny. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion.

If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line. If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane. If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame. If you cannot convince them, confuse them. (Harry S. Truman) If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. If you cannot fix it, feature it. If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights! If you cannot measure output, then you measure input. If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos. If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion. If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got. If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it. If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost. If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed. If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly. If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question. If you do not make dust, you eat dust. If you do not say it, they can't repeat it. If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious. If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will. If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is. If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.

25 More Things I Learned From The Movies: No matter how dead you think you’ve killed a bad guy, he can still get up at least three more times. People rarely use the bathroom, and if they do, they’re usually dead within minutes. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. Cemeteries generate their own weather. Usually rainstorms… and not just gentle sprinkles, but biblical downpours. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill — just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings — especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident. Cars that fly off cliffs spontaneously combust in midair for no apparent reason. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired. Close blood relatives usually look nothing like each other, or have only a passing resemblance. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds — unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. An electric fence that’s powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts — your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If you are trapped in a tunnel, in a sinking ship, or a burning building, a cute little girl, a nun, and a feisty granny will be trapped with you. All writers are wealthy; all publishing companies are glamorous; all artists are self-supporting and have large attractive well-lit loft studios. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. If an expert makes a prediction and is disbelieved, then it will come to pass exactly as he predicted. If he makes a prediction and is believed, it won’t happen. If there is a large bump in a downhill road, a speeding car will fly over it and hit the ground in shower of sparks. Unsecured passengers will not be injured, and no tire damage, broken axles, or suspension failures will occur. The car will then execute a sharp turn involving a skid. Dogs always know who’s bad and will naturally bark at them. Text appearing on a computer monitor appears letter by letter and making a sound as if it was produced by a typewriter.

25 Things I Learned From The Movies 1. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. 2. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. 3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. 4. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. 5. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. 6. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness. 7. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. 8. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged. 9. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love. 10. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off. 11. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. 12. A cup of black coffee or a splash of cold water in the face is enough to render the most inebriated person stone cold sober. 13. If you try hard enough, you can outrun an explosion. 14. If you stick your head out of cover during a gun fight, it will never be hit, especially if you look backwards to hold a conversation with someone behind you. 15. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned partners who are their total opposite. 16. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. 17. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 18. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. 19. Computers never display a cursor on screen but always say: Enter Password Now. 20. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off — even while scuba diving. 21. All watches and clocks are synchronized to the second. 22. No matter how fuzzy the photograph, it can be enlarged and enhanced to show the finest detail. 23. Nearly everyone speaks English, no matter where they are from. Even aliens from outer space, despite the fact they have never been to Earth, seen an Earthling, or even heard of Earth or Earthlings. 24. No matter how catastrophic the disaster, pets will always survive it. 25. There will always be a doctor in a plane or building with the right medical supplies.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? As told by famous people: AN ORTHODOX RABBI: It was the Sabbath what was he going to do, drive there? THE POPE: The chicken was motivated to cross the road because he realized that only by doing so could he achieve Salvation. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. GEORGE H. W. BUSH: The chicken saw a thousand points of light and crossed the road. DAN QUAYLE: I had not heard the chicken crossed the roade. PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. RONALD REAGAN: I forget. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2011, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road . It transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? MICHAEL SCHUMACHER; it was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.

tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now. When I was young, I just wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the W. I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole! I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called? What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve. A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff. We are all prawns in the game of life.

I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it's just a pigment of their imagination. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? Help Wanted: Telepath; you know where to apply. Look out for #1, and don't step in #2, either. Department of Redundancy Department "If the shoe fits, buy it." - Imelda Marcos It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs. Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf". 3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population. A day for firm decisions! Or is it? A day without radiation is a day without sunshine. A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago. Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. An unemployed court jester is no one's fool. Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough. As I said before, I never repeat myself. As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia. Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people. Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise. Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular. Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events. Clones are people two. Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools. Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary! Do not put statements in the negative form. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected? Don't be a sexist, broads hate that. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Friction can be a drag sometimes. He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester and Keith Moon School of hair styling. Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back! Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy! Honk if you love peace and quiet. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand! Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got. I'd like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else's blood. I couldn't care less about apathy. Drilling for oil is boring

When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails. I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon. If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight? I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. I have a screwdriver in my hand. This is not a drill. Repeat, this is not a drill. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. Dyspraxics are people three. There's no future in time travel. If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines! Polynesia - memory loss in parrots. A good pun is its own reword. Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor? Wear short sleeves; support your right to bare arms! For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. I love cats; they taste just like chicken. I'm hoping to find a cure for my hiccups, but I'm not holding my breath. Lord save me from your followers. Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Some people have a way with words, others not have way. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. All generalizations are false, including this one. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!! If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert. Drink your coffee; there are people in India sleeping.

Glad you enjoy them.

The trouble with life is there's no background music. Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh. Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case. If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands? Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once. Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it? All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. Strip mining prevents forest fires. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem. I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory. The meek shall inherit the earth - after we're through with it. If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Ham and Eggs - A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig. Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career. How much can I get away with and still go to heaven? Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough. Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you. Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home. A closed mouth gathers no foot. The trouble with life is there's no background music. I was only looking at your name tag, honest! Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible. Jesus is coming, so look busy. We have enough youth: how about a fountain of "smart"? Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane. Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do. My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat! Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking? Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid? I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize. Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals." Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior. Death to all fanatics! Chastity is curable, if detected early. Smokers are just like everybody else. Just not as long. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. Somebody who knows how will always have a job. Working for someone who knows why. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed? Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's locked in a cage and that's all you feed him. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence? Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap? If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"? Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages? Would a wingless fly be called a walk? Me and my recliner - we go WAY back. Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked? Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny? Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections? What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread? Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"? I have not yet begun to procrastinate. If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on. The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list. Schizophrenia beats being alone. Can we ever really know when our philosophy assignment is due? I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today. A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Guess I failed at my attempt of humor. bbsoto has the correct answer.

Remember: First you pillage then you burn. To err is human. To forgive is against company policy. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs. Half the people in the world are below average. Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software. You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket. Save the whales: collect the whole set . I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? Atheism is a non-prophet organization. The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician. I intend to live forever - so far so good. Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Two wrongs are only the beginning. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Can a blind person feel blue? Change is inevitable except from vending machines. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

One has on a red belt and one has on a yellow belt.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody elses dog around. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" Contents may have settled out of court. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked. I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats. I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly? I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer. I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and bitter. They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken. A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party. When blondes have more fun, do they know it? Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch. He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine. Well, paint me purple and call me Barney. I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no. The statement following is true. The statement prior is false. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip. He was deader than a shrunken head at a hackey sack festival. I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake. I was more nervous than a ceiling fan store owner with a comb-over. Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody. If you can't convince them, confuse them. All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though. If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down. Here I am! What are your other two wishes? A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career. Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks. Gun Control: Use both hands.

Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard! I bet you I could stop gambling. I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided. I can't get enough minimalism. I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. Do ten millipedes equal one centipede? A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet. The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me. Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it. Take everything in moderation. Including moderation. There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know. Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps. Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please? Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge. If at first you don't succeed, try left field. When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, "I didn't get to where I am today by listening to people like you!" Sacred cows make the best hamburgers. I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me. If #2 pencils are the most popular, are they still #2? I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired. I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York. I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon. Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees. It's not who you know, it's whom you know. There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot". One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?" (thanks to Warren) A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right. Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work. Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat? Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence. Originality is the art of concealing your sources. Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy. Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on

Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery. I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I I've had amnesia as long as I can remember. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut." Evolution: True science fiction. What's another word for "thesaurus"? Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.

I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back. Humpty Dumpty was pushed. Nati All generalizations are false. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. If you don't like the news, go out and make some. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want? I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. I can handle pain until it hurts. No matter where you go, you're there. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane. It's been Monday all week. Gravity always gets me down. This statement is false. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them. It's bad luck to be superstitious. According to my best recollection, I don't remember. The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary. Honk if you like peace and quiet. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like, night. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW! Life is too complicated in the morning. We are all part of the ultimate statistic -- ten out of ten die. Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody. Ask me about my vow of silence. The hardness of Butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria. If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! I intend to live forever. So far so good.

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back. 3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. 4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 6. Never answer an anonymous letter. 7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better. 8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours. 10. Few women admit their age; few men act it. 11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat? 12. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"? 15. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes. 17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else. 18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't. 20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? 21. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. 22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it. 23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. 28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. 29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. 30. You can't have everything; where would you put it? 31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? 33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. 34. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 35. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. 36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway. 39. My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states. 40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool. 41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was at the airport waiting for my flight recently, sitting next to a Blond who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news. I was amazed at her empathy for the soldiers. Then... turning to me.... she asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

mongo, Thanks. I will try not to disappoint!

This police officer sees an old lady driving and knitting at the same time, so after driving next to her for awhile he yells to her, "PULLOVER". She replies, "No a pair of socks".

Scars are like tattoos but with better stories. The trouble with trouble is it starts out as fun. I consider on time to be when I get there. If practice makes perfect and nobody’s perfect…….why practice? The last time I reached for the stars I pulled a muscle. Well another day passed and I didn’t use Algebra once. I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you. Everything I say is fully substantiated by my opinion. Here I am. Now what are your other two wishes? If I can’t fix it, it must not be broken. Still crazy after all these beers. It’s not that I lack sympathy, okay maybe it is. Earth is the insane asylum of the universe. If you met my family you would understand. It is what it is………or is it? Grandparents: so easy to operate even a child can do it. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. I can’t brain today. I have the dumb. Dear Algebra; Stop asking me to find your X. She’s not coming back. I’m not bald, I’m just taller than my hair. If you just did what you were told, I wouldn’t have to be so bossy. Never trust an atom, they make up everything.

General Rules 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It?s considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets. 5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ... it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral. DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist. 2 Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you no matter how loud you yell. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds will get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too. 5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.