Sonny

FredG,

Thanks!!

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here."

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic

name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of

Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called

Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful

consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced

that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also

considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of

course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in

liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage

suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to

literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this

a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails",

"highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will

market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants

and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,

there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge

erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a

show in a small town in Texas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts

going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th

row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you

can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair

have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep

women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from

reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind

continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but

women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little s**t on your

lap."

Some kids were stealing watermelons from a local farmer's watermelon patch. So the farmer made a sign and posted it in the field.

The next day, the kids showed up and saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

The kids ran off, made their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's. That morning the farmer saw that no watermelons were missing. Then he saw the sign next to his which read, "Now there are two!"

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona

chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it

with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the

pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs

heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas

cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need

to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which

they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that

once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are

leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the

different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their

religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these

religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can

project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,

we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we

look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states

that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the

volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter

Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell

breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in

Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year

that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into

account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be

true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen

over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it

follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,

extinct.......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine

being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

......

I'd like it better if we were a separate state,,,,,,, the eastern part only thinks of us as a revenue source, anyway.

Giz, it's not us eastern Marylanders, it's the crooked politicians that think of all of us as revenue. I wrote to Prince Georges County and asked them when some of our services would be reinstated since some of the crooks were now in jail there must be more money in the coffers. So far I haven't gotten an answer.

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone

again, I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after beingaway. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin,

was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day,

made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on ... take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone !

A down and out musician was playing his harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall.

Striding over, a policeman asked, May I please see your permit?

I don't have one, confessed the musician.

In that case, you will have to accompany me said the policeman.

Splendid! exclaimed the musician. What shall we sing?

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days, and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.

Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,

took the husband aside, and said,

"I don't like the looks of your wife at all.â€

"Me neither doc," said the husband.

"But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate, for me little brother, this gold Rolex, and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and...'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.

The doctor placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

"Big breaths," said he.

"Yes, they used to be," she remorsed.

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Zis represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND,

look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the to

"Joe asks Fred "What would you do if a nuclear war started & they sounded the four minute warning?"

Fred answered " I'd make love to anything that moved, what would you do?"

Joe replied "I'd stand very, very still!"

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an

Early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000

For every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his

Body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his

head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with

a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be

Measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out

with £96,000..

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major

who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, 'From the tip

of my willy to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,

explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had

received.

But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him

providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the sergeant-major to 'drop

'em', Which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant's

willy and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are

your testicles?'

The old sergeant-major calmly replied, " Afghanistan".

Ken,

Happy Birthday. Hope it is the best ever and you have many, many more. Have enjoyed exchanging posts with you and reading about your experiences and I want to thank you for helping to jog my memory at times.

Sonny

Mike and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Mike headed home frustrated.

The following week when Mike's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp,they were shocked to see Mike. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go, Mike?"

"I didn't have to," Mike replied. Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."

"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'.... So ......,well... Here I am!".

Happy Birthday tinwhistle.

A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged,

balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love†stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the best of him,

the guy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says,

“I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed,

“Guess who?â€

“But why?†Asked the young guy.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,†the bald man replied

A blonde called the airport for flight information.

"How long is your flight from Los Angeles to Denver?†she asked.

"Just a minute," the pleasant agent replied.

"Thank You" she said and hung up.

Then there was the farmer who had been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck. He ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" said the counsel for the insurance company.

"Yes, that's right," replied the armer, nodding his head.

"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?"

"Yeah, but..." the farmer stammered.

"A simple yes or no will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.

"Yes," replied the farmer quietly.

Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said.

"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident, my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse, and shoots him dead. Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him, and shoots him dead too. Then he comes straight over to me, with his gun still smoking, and asks me how I was feeling. Now what the hell would you have said to him?"

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

A tightwad was convinced by a friend to buy a couple of lottery tickets.

But after he won the big prize he didn’t seem happy.

“What’s wrong?†the friend asked.

“You just became a millionaire!â€

“I know,†he groaned,

“But I can’t imagine why I bought that second ticket!â€

Looks like a good list. Strange that there were no AC-130B's.