REMEMBER: A boiled egg is hard to beat. A calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. He had a photographic memory, which was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses

Confucius Say... Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper. Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground. One dog barks at something, the rest bark at him. Man who streaks is unsuited for his work. Girl who does everything under the sun gets everything sunburned. Man who places head in sand will get kicked in the end. Man who gets too big for his britches may get exposed in the end. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratches rear should not bite fingernails. Man who sinks into woman's arms soon will find arms in woman's sink. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Hourglasses are waste of time. Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left. Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent. If you want pretty nurse, you must be patient. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. Modern house without toilet uncanny. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion.

A Congressman in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. 'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'

It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'" "Breakfast was my idea."

Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard! I bet you I could stop gambling. I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided. I can't get enough minimalism. I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. Do ten millipedes equal one centipede? The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me. Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it. Take everything in moderation. Including moderation. There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know. Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps. Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please? Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge. If at first you don't succeed, try left field. When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, "I didn't get to where I am today by listening to people like you! Sacred cows make the best hamburgers. I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me. If #2 pencils are the most popular, why are they still #2? I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired. I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York. I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon. Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees. It's not who you know, it's whom you know. There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot". One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?" A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right. Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work. Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat? Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence. Originality is the art of concealing your sources. Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy. Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.