Sonny's Funnies
2,949 topics in this forum
-
- 0 replies
- 1.4k views
A professor at the Virginia Tech was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.* *Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly* *He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'* *She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'* *It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........*
Last reply by spec13fe, -
-
- 0 replies
- 1.5k views
I guy named Bob retired from his first job in his early 50s; after a short time he realized he needed something else to do or he would go nuts. He took a job at a small production company and excelled at everything he was assigned and took the initiative to to improve/streamline things. He only had one fault....he was 5-15 minutes late every morning. Finally his boss called him in....."Bob, we're very pleased with your performance, in fact you've exceeded all expectations except one. You're late every morning. Now I see here that you retired from the Air Force; I can't believe an outfit like that would tolerate something like this. Did this happen there too?" "Yes"…
Last reply by TSgtRet, -
- 0 replies
- 1.6k views
Looking for that Tom Wilson bit reminded me of this I have a file of about 365 B&T skits - so if you want more Uncle BS stories, I'd have to look through that.
Last reply by Fräulein, -
- 0 replies
- 1.4k views
From 1943 A certain officer’s confidential report had written on it, by his commanding officer: “This officer should go far.†The Brigadier added: “The farther the better†The divisional commander wrote: “He should start at once.†snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
- 1.4k views
She: “What do you do in the Navy?†He: “I’m a bone specialist.†She: “Oh, you set them? He: “No, I roll ‘em.†Snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
- 1.5k views
From a 1946 newspaper: The old sailor had retired from the sea. Each morning a youngster knocked at his door, went in, and came out again. After this had gone on for some weeks the curiosity of the neighbors was aroused. “Tell me,†said one neighbor to the youngster, “why do you visit that old sailor every morning?†“Well, sir, he gives me a nickel if I say to him. “The captain wants you immediately!†“And what does he say to that?†“He says, “Tell the captain to go to the devil!†* * * Snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
A United States Army Major stationed in Australia decided to go on a kangaroo hunt. He climbed into his jeep and instructed his driver to proceed to the plains in quest of a kangaroo. Soon they spotted one, and the driver drove the jeep in hot pursuit. For some time they went at breakneck speed without gaining on the animal. Finally the driver shouted to the Major: “Ain’t no use chasing that thing, sir!†“Why.†Sam?†“Cause we is now doin’ sixty-five, and that critter ain’t put his front feet down yet!†* * * from a 1945 newspaper snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
On the day that Hitler seized power over his countrymen, a famous professor of economics in Heidelberg was asked what he would do if he suddenly got a letter from the Gestapo. “For one thing,†he replied, “I would finish reading it on the train.†Snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
This is the story of John Mule, late of the United States Coast Guard. It couldn’t happen anywhere but here. One day the sailors at the Coast Guard depot in Curtis Bay, Maryland, wearying of hauling coal in wheelbarrows to fuel their ships, pooled their funds and purchased a mule to do their hauling for them. But mules must eat, and the pay of a Coast Guard sailor hardly provided for feeding a mule. The problem was temporarily solved by enlisting the mule in the Coast Guard, putting his name on the official payroll as John Mule, fireman third class. But fireman third class, John Mule proved to be an extremely hearty eater, and soon they found if necessary to prom…
Last reply by snowyday, -
“I have come to join my husband,†said Mrs. Smith, arriving at the Golden Gate. “Delighted to meet you, ma’am,†replied the keeper. “What was your husband’s name?†“Joseph Smith.†“I’m afraid that will not be sufficient for us to identify him. You see we have quite a lot of Joseph Smith’s up here. Are there any other means by which I can identify him?†“Well before he died he told me that if I ever kissed another man he would turn over in his grave.†“Oh, I know the chap. Up here we call him “Whirling Joe!†* * * Snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
- 1.4k views
An old lady living in the country had a son in the Navy. On one of her rare visits to a neighboring town she saw a sailor. Trembling with excitement she asked him if he knew her boy. She told him his name. “Well, what ship is he on?†asked the sailor. “What ship?†exclaimed the old lady. “Are there two?†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
- 1.4k views
A fond mother received the following letter from her son: “Dear Mum—I joined the Navy because I liked the way the ships were kept so clean and tidy. But I never knew until this week who keeps them so clean and tidy,--Love Jimmy.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
In the days just before Pearl Harbor our citizen soldiers weren’t always too highly regarded by the folks who lived near the southern camp when I was trying to learn to be a military man. One blistering summer day found my outfit slogging down a back-country road, sweltering under full field packs. A bend in the road disclosed a barefoot farm boy, holding the halter of an exceedingly poor mule. One of the company wits, always eager to bait a rustic, sang out: “Say, sonny, why are you holding your brother so tight?†Back flashed the reply, “To keep the darn fool from joining the army.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
- 1.8k views
From the Associated Press comes a story they’re telling in the Caribbean---and swearing it’s true: A transport lay in the harbor getting ready to sail with a detachment of troops ordered back to the good ol’ U.S.A. The soldiers stood about beside their barracks bags, awaiting their turn to go up the gangplank. Suddenly, from the group, one broke and ran, shouting at the top of his voice. “I’m not going aboard that boat, and you can’t make me!†Two burly M.P.’s gave chase. Quickly they overhauled him. A lusty session of rough-and-tumble ensued, at the end of which the fugitive, overpowered, was half carried aboard ship. The M.P.’s rubbed their…
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
- 1.5k views
A new chapel had been built near an Army camp, and to insure attendance the colonel ordered his top kick to march a battalion of men up to the Sunday morning service. After a tough Saturday night fellows weren’t too pleased, nor did their resentment abate, when, inspired by the full attendance, the pastor held forth for over an hour. When service was over, he still had another treat for them. Producing an armful of candles he gave one to each soldier, saying he would lead a march through the crypt of the church and show them some interesting sights. But, bless my soul, he concluded. I thought I counted most carefully, but I find I have one candle too many. …
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
- 1.4k views
Especially annoyed at the slowness of Private Smith, the sergeant-major strode up to him. What was your job in civil life? He barked. Bank Clerk, said Smith. I suppose, sneered the sergeant-major, you dusted the desks and washed out the ink wells and made nice cups of tea for the manager. Oh, no, sir, replied Smith, we kept an old sergeant-major for those jobs. * * * I get these jokes from 1940's newspapers when every able bodied man was in the military. Snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
- 2.3k views
A psychiatrist in testing the mentality of a young soldier asked: Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices come from? Yes, answered the young soldier. And when does this occur? When I answer the telephone. * * * snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
Somebody once asked an American soldier what, in his opinion, gave the American Army its special punch. Optimism, he answered. You see it’s like this. The captain asks for 100 volunteers. So we volunteer. Then he says: It’s my duty to warn you that 99 of you will probably be killed. Well, this throws us for a minute. Then every one of those 100 soldiers heaves a sigh, looks around, and says to himself: Shucks, I’m gonna miss the boys. snowyday Most of the jokes I am listing are from 1943 - 1949 Newspapers.
Last reply by snowyday, -
A visitor at the Army’s brand new Pentagon Building recently was startled by ominous rumblings in an adjacent corridor. “Don’t be alarmed,†said the Colonel with whom she was conferring, “that is simply the redeployment of the LSDs. Generals are mapping strategy, and careful study has been made on their disposition. “But what are LSDs?†inquired the visitor. “Large Steel Desks.†The Colonel said. New York Newspaper 3 Apr 1946 * * * Snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
- 1.3k views
The inventor of a new type of hand grenade says: “You merely press a small projection on the casing, a detonator explodes the charge, and there you are.†Or aren’t, as the case may be. 1943 newspaper * * * Snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
A Red Cross worker on a remote Pacific island called the Army command to report a disease peculiar to the tropics: “We have a case of beriberi here. What shall we do?†The following reply came: “Give it to the Sea Bees, they’ll drink anything.†* * * Snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
- 1.3k views
"from the forties" The sergeant was trying to train an awkward squad of recruits from New Jersey. “Ten shun! About turn!†he roared. Then, as he viewed the hopeless mix-up, he went on: “As you were!†Most of the men shuffled into the last position, but Private Jones stood still, looking vacantly ahead. “You!†snapped the sergeant. I said “As you were!†“I ‘eard, sarge,†replied Jones, un-happily, “but ‘ow were I?†* * * Snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
- 1.8k views
As the battalion marched on, one weary soldier fell out. Sitting down by the roadside he took off his boots to rest his feet. “How far is it to the camp?†he asked a passing farmhand. “About four miles as the crow flies†was the reply. “Ay,†replied the soldier, “but s’pose the blinkin’ crow had to carry a rifle and pack weighing ‘arf a ton and with blisters on both heels, how far is it then?†* * * Snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
- 1.4k views
Natives of the New Guinea mountain country looked upon U. S. Army doctors as miracle men, capable of any accomplishment they desire. This often led to complications while American forces were occupying the island. One day, a village chief, or head man, appeared at a field installation. He was suffering a severe toothache, and was told that the torturing molar would have to be pulled. “Okay,†he said. “But when Merica-fella stop ache, me want tooth put back in.†* * * Snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
- 1.6k views
The youthful mountaineer from Kentucky was serving his first week in the Army. He walked out of the barracks and came face to face with his commanding officer. “Mawnin’, mister, he said in greeting. The C.O. halted him, and then proceeded to take him to task for not saluting. “Land sakes,†the youngster said when the lecture was finished. “If I’d knowed you was gonna carry on so, I wouldn’t a spoke a-tall.†1946 * * * Snowyday
Last reply by snowyday,