Sonny's Funnies
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Two brothers, one a famous baseball pitcher, the other a minister, met after a long separation. Some time was spent in exchanges of reminiscences. Finally the minister said, “How is it, Bill – I spent four years in college and three in seminary, and you’ve never done anything but play ball. Now you’re getting a salary of $30,000, and I’m getting $3,000. I can’t understand it.†Bill thought a minute, then said: “I’ll tell you how it is, Jim; it’s all in the delivery. May 27, 1950 newspaper * * * * snowyday
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Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch AND you'll have to go to the bathroom. Law of Gravity: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always…
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it? Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs . I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet …
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Called upon to officiate at the funeral of a stranger, the minister was well along with the service before he realized to his horror that although he knew the name of the departed – which might have been masculine or feminine – he didn’t know whether he was talking about a deceased man or woman. Finally the point came when he simply had to know. While the choir sang a hymn, the minister beckoned to a mourner, pointed to the casket and hoarsely whispered: “Brother or Sister?” And the mourner whispered back: “Cousin.” * * * * snowyday
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It had taken the entire morning for Zeke to tow the tourist’s disabled car from Turkey Track Spring down to the settlement at Whittle Porch Clearing. When he finally returned home, with his weary old mule hitched to the ramshackle cart, his wife came out on the porch and said: “How much did you charge that city feller for towin’ him?’ “Fifty cents,†Zeke answered. “Guess t’wasn’t too much. Leastwise, he didn’t kick up a fuss.†“Fifty cents!†echoed his indignant wife. “I swear, Paw, sometimes I wish you’d pull the cart and let the mule handle the executive end of things!†* * * * snowyday
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ALL PUNS INTENDED 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2 .A cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.' 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.' 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?' 7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'…
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Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota , Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his …
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The big business man had died and gone to – well, not to Heaven. But hardly had he settled down for a nice long smoke when a hearty hand slapped him on the back, and into his ear boomed the voice of a persistent salesman who had pestered him on earth. “Well, Mr. Smith,†chortled the salesman. “I’m here for the appointment.†“What appointment?†“Why don’t you remember?†the salesman went on. Every time I entered your office on earth you told me you’d see me here!†* * * * snowyday
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The great liner was laboring in a heavy sea, but the captain assured his passengers that there was really no great danger. But one mousy little fellow persisted in inquiring again and again. “Are you sure we’re not going to sink, captain?†At last the captain lost his temper and demanded. “What are you – a coward?†“Not at all,†the little man assured him. “I’m not the least bit afraid.†“Then,†said the captain, “you must want to tell your friend good-bye before we go down.†“No, no, it’s not that!†the mousy little passenger protested. “Then, in Heaven’s name, why do you ask me every five minutes if we’re going t…
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The visitor was from the hills of Kentucky and he was in California. His host had taken him to the beach to see the ocean, and as they gazed out across the wide expanse of water the host said: “Look at that beautiful ocean. See how those huge waves come rolling in.†What do you think of it?†“Well,†drawled the unimpressed visitor, “is that all it does?†* * * * snowyday
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A sergeant was asking some recruits why walnut was used for the butt of a rifle. “Because it has more resistance.†Said one man. “Wrong.†“Because it is more elastic.†“Wrong.†“Perhaps it’s because it looks nicer than any other wood,†volunteered another, timidly. “Don’t be stupid,†snapped the sergeant. “It’s simply because it was laid down in Regulations.†* * * * snowyday
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Zeke was dead. A wonderful funeral was in progress. The preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased brother, what an honest man he was, what a good provider he was, what a loving husband and a kind father. At length the widow whispered to one of her offspring: “Go up thar and take a look in that coffin and see if that’s your pa.†* * * * snowyday
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Some years ago a certain young man filled with the pioneering spirit was attracted by the offer of free land in northwestern Ontario. He put his meager capital in his pocket, flung a pack over his shoulder, and fared forth to the promised land. There he found temporary shelter in the home of an old settler. After supper his hospitable host threw some bones to his dog. The animal instantly seized the biggest bone, wheeled about, and raced down the valley and over the mountain and out of sight. What’s the matter with that dog?†asked the visitor. “He’s gone to bury a bone, I guess,†the old settler replied. “But he’s miles away and running like an…
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At the weigh-in of the two fighters. Punch-Pixied Pete was found to be an ounce overweight. His manager moaned: “What’ll we do, Pete?†Then brightening, he exclaimed: “I know! We’ll have your teeth pulled. That’ll lighten you up an ounce!†“Dirty double-crosser!†bellowed Pete’s opponent, Numb-Knuckle Newcomb. I want to knock ‘em out tomorrow night!†* * * * snowyday
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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,Kentuckians, Tennesseans, OKies, Texans, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS . And furthermore HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN.' 2. She is not ' EASY ' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.' 3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.' 4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.' 5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VE…
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Christmas Remote Control
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In the house of a certain ancient family in Teviotdale in Scotland, it was the custom to place in the sleeping apartment of each guest a Bible, along with a bottle of strong ale. Now it happened that on one occasion a number of clergymen spent the night there, and, following another custom, several of the reverend gentlemen were lodged together in one large barrack room. The butler took care that each of the divines was presented with a Bible and a bottle of ale. The servant had scarcely left the room when a whispered conference was held, and he was quickly recalled to the chamber. “My friend,†one of the venerable gentlemen said to him, “…
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“I hear you sold your pig.†“Yep, sold him this morning.†“What did you get for him?†“Eight dollars.†“What did it cost you to raise him?†“Paid $3 for him and $5 for feed.†“Didn’t make much, did he?†“Nope, but I had his company all fall.†* * * * snowyday
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You know you're getting old... ________________________________________ 1. You and your teeth don't sleep together. 2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. 3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. 4. Your back goes out but you stay home. 5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture. 6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. 7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. 8. When happy hour is a nap. 9. When you're on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does. 10. When you say something to your kids t…
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Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?…
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A big business tycoon appeared at his office one morning complaining of a violent headache. His staff gathered around him to sympathize, and a junior clerk volunteered the following: “I had a terrible headache not long ago, but it didn’t last long. My wife pulled me over on the sofa with her and gave me a great big kiss. Believe it or not, the pain disappeared immediately.†The sufferer reached for his hat. I’ve tried everything else,†he moaned. “Is your wife home now?†* * * * snowyday
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Accompanied by a driver, an American major in a motor vehicle was stopped by the sentry on guard at a cross-road. “Who goes there?†“One American major, one-ton truck of fertilizer and one buck private.†They were allowed to proceed, but at every cross-road they went through the same formula. After a time the driver asked if they were likely to be stopped again. “I guess so,†replied the major. “Well, major,†said the private, “the next time we are stopped would you mind giving me priority over the fertilizer?†* * * snowyday
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The woman sitting in the specialist’s waiting room was portly. At a summons from an attendant, she arose and waddled into the specialist’s sanctum. The doctor threw up his hands in horror. My good woman!†he exclaimed, “you are stouter than ever! Have you been following the treatment I prescribed? Are you quite sure you ate exactly what I ordered?†“Everything,†replied the patient. “And nothing else?†“Nothing whatever,†she replied. “Except of course, my regular meals.†* * * * snowyday
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And then there was the man who, after twenty-odd years, was finally being released, cured, from a mental institution. The great day dawned. His going-away clothes laid out, he stood shaving. At the precise moment that he bent down to rinse his razor, the mirror over the washstand took leave of it’s moorings, slid to the basin, and bounced on the floor. Straightening, the chap gazed at the expanse of blank wall, then threw his razor down and started shaking clenched fists. Tears streaming down his face, he sobbed: “Look what I’ve gone and done! Half my life I’ve spent in this place, and the day I get out. I have to go and cut my head of…
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They tell a story about Mark Twain who was visiting at a neighbor’s home. He picked up an interesting book and asked the friend if he could read it. “You’re welcome to it, but I must ask you to read it here,†the neighbor said. “I make it a rule never to let any book out of my library.†Later in the summer, the same neighbor wanted to borrow Twain’s lawnmower. “You’re welcome to it,†Twain said. “But I must ask you to use it here. I make it a rule never to let my lawnmower out of the yard. * * * * snowyday
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