Sonny's Funnies
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Thoughts for Today Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then sh*t on your car. A penny saved is a government oversight. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .. He who hesitates is probably right. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 w…
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One of the neighbors is proud of her little boy’s scientific knowledge and likes to show him off in front of our bridge club. One afternoon she asked her poor man’s quiz kid: Bobby, what does it mean when steam comes out of the spout of the teakettle?†“It means,†said Bobby, “that you are going to open one of Daddy’s letters.†* * * * snowyday
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1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. 10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine. 12…
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Little Eddie called at the door of a trusted neighbor, holding a large sack which contained, in his estimation, his most precious possessions – his marbles. In a businesslike manner, he said: “I want you to keep these for me, Mrs. Jones, until I call for them.†Mrs. Jones asked him why he did’nt leave them at home. The lad replied: “I heard mother say this morning that she was going to make a marble cake for the School Mother’s Club, and I don’t want her to use any of my marbles. * * * * snowyday
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My karma ran over your dogma . A fool and his money are a girl's best friend. I'm not driving fast-just flying low. Help starve a feeding bureaucrat. My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird! Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery . "I is a college student." If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW! Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible? Life is too complicated in the morning. All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody…
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The station inspector, new on the job and unknown along the line, was making his first tour of the road. One morning, he stepped into a waiting room of a country station and found it as cold as ice. Half a dozen patrons were huddled around a fireless stove. “Why hasn’t a fire been started?†the inspector demanded. One of the customers jerked his thumb in the direction of the agent’s office. “No use asking him. Says he’s too busy to build a fire.†The inspector stepped over to the agent’s window and asked him the reason for the cold stove. “Got no time for that,†snapped the agent. “This here freight’s gotta be billed and after…
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The throat specialist gazed in fascination at his new patient. He had seen massive women before, but none her equal. A little distrait because of his interest in her bulk, he studied her face, broad and calm, her ample bosom, her large, soft brown eyes. Then he murmured absent-mindedly: “Open your mouth please. Now say ‘Moo'.†* * * * snowyday
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Tickle Me Elmo There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so bac…
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He sat fidgeting and nervous in the attorney’s waiting room. A clerk entered. “I say,†said the client, beckoning to him, “I have an appointment with the attorney at 10 o’clock. It’s about a legacy.†“And how long have you been waiting?†“Twenty years!†* * * * snowyday
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A farmer living in the New England States died very suddenly, and a distant relative who had come for the funeral was offering the widow his condolences. Finally he got to the point where he felt he could decently ask a burning question. “And what,†he said sweetly “did poor Henry leave?†“Leave?†snorted the widow, “He left the barn half painted, just as I often told him he’d do!†* * * snowyday
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10 Office Rules: 10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do. 9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. Thes…
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In the early days of the West, a freighter stopped at a cabin owned by Sandy McQueen, a Scotsman who was starting a sheep ranch. After supper Sandy took up his bagpipe and tootled for a long and noisy hour on the instrument before, exhausted, he tossed it in corner.†“If tootin’ that danged thing wears you plumb out,†said the ear-tortured visitor, “why do you play it?†“It’s the only way I can keep the darn, smelly sheep from bedding down too close to the cabin,†said Sandy. * * * * snowyday
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The newly-hired trackwalker discovered a bad washout on his section and notified the dispatcher. The dispatcher, in turn, put out a five-mile-an-hour “slow order†and then told the trackwalker to stay at his post. There was a train approaching, he said, and he wanted the trackwalker to check the roadbed as the train passed over it and also see how the train lived up to the restricting order. As soon as the train passed, the trackwalker called in: “Track’s okay,†he informed the dispatcher. “And as for that slow order, the engineer lived up to it but the caboose was going too darn fast!†* * * * snowyday
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Little Boy (to the bride at wedding reception): “You don’t look as tired as I thought you would.†Bride: “Don’t I? Why do you think I should look tired?†Little Boy: “Well, I heard someone say you had been running after Mr. Black for months and months.†* * * * snowyday
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He was going home and it was dark. His road from the station was a lonely one and he was hurrying along as fast as he could when he realized suddenly that a man behind was following him purposely. The faster he went the faster the man followed until they came to a cemetery. “Now.†He said to himself, I’ll find out if he’s after me,†and entered the cemetery. The man followed him. He circled a grave and his pursuer dodged after him. He crawled under a hedge. Still the man was after him. At last he turned and faced the fellow. “What do you want? What are you following me for?†“Well, sir, it’s like this. I’m going to Mr. Brown’s house …
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Alfred E. Smith used to enjoy showing visitors to New York, and the Empire State Building. One day, while leading a group, he had to cope with a woman who continually asked irrelevant questions. Smith answered all of them patiently, but when toward the end of the tour, while going down in the elevator, the lady asked: “Suppose the elevator cables would break, would we go up or down?†The ex-governor could stand it no longer. “That, my dear woman,†he snapped, “depends entirely upon the kind of life you’ve been leading.†* * * * snowyday
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A doctor in want of a strong lad, advertised to that effect, and being a ventriloquist, adopted the following grim ruse to test the nerves of the applicants. The first, a great hulking lad, he sent with a bowl of hot soup to feed a skeleton he had in a dark closet. During the process of feeding, the skeleton observed in a deep voice: It’s sure hot.†The boy’s hair stood on end. He dropped the bowl and fled in terror. The second applicant, a small bushy-haired lad, had to go through the same ordeal: but when the skeleton made his remark, he replied unconcernedly, “I could have told you that. Blow on it you fool.†He got the job. * * * * sn…
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Mandy hauled Amos into court because he insisted on keeping the pigs in the living room. “Why, the air ain’t fit to breathe,†she complained. “Why don’t you leave the windows open?†asked the judge. “We can’t do that,†replied Mandy, “the chickens would fly out.†* * * * snowyday
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In filling out an application for a factory job, a man puzzled for a long time over the question, “Person to notify in case of accident.†Finally he wrote: “Anybody in sight.†* * * * snowyday
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A Cambridge resident reports that he made a tour through the new Graduate Center at Harvard as the workmen were finishing up and noted in passing that to each of the pneumatic door-closers was riveted a small metal plaque stamped, “Yale.†When the Center was formally opened recently, the Cambridge man made a second tour of the premises, and noted in passing that the plaques had been unriveted and removed. 4 Jan 1951 * * * *
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Disorder In The Court Things people actually said in court, word for word: Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: How old is your son-the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How l…
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The 11th Husband A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?" "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. "Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. "Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. "Husban…
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WORK
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Editor Horace Greeley possessed a handwriting which was well nigh illegible. One morning he found in the mail a poem from a female contributor. It was so unimaginative that Greeley was prompted to write the lady, in his own hand, a long letter of sharp criticism. This done, he dismissed the matter from his mind. Several days later, he received a reply from the aspiring poetess. It had taken a little time to decipher his scrawl, she explained, but having succeeded at last, she was happy to inform him that she had decided to accept his offer of marriage. * * * * snowyday
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A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table: 'To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight.' When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table: To My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank …
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