Sonny's Funnies
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With the coming of the railroad came a new brand of entrepreneurialism. Stock would wander onto the track and be hit by the train. The railroad would then have to settle with the owner for the superb stock lost. A Cherokee County man saw an opportunity and went out and bought a blind mule as his sacrificial lamb so to speak. Now the mule may have been blind but was not stupid. He could both hear and feel the vibrations caused by the train and get out of the way. Hopefully each day the man would go check on his prize stock. Day after day he would find the mule alive and well. One day when the train engineer looked down the track he spied th…
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A white man and an Indian, it seems, had gone hunting. That evening, ready to divide the spoils, the white man said, “You take the buzzard and I’ll take the turkey, or, I will take the turkey and you may take the buzzard.†The Indian replied, “You never once said take turkey to me. And that is how our language gained the expressive phrase “talking turkey,†synonymous with “talking business†or getting down to brass tacks.†* * * *
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It was in a small town in the hills where the local drunk staggered out of a bar. Gazing around in a befuddled manner, he spotted the town’s only taxicab in front of the bar, and climbed into the back seat. “Take me to Charley’s Place, driver,†he said. “Buddy, you’re in front of Charley’s place now,†replied the driver. “O.K. Mac!†said the drunk as he staggered out of the cab. “But next time, don’t drive so blamed fast!†* * * *
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Nancy and Pat, aged 8 and 9, were at their new television set, watching the atomic explosion at Yucca Flat. Nancy broke the moment of awed silence after the gigantic explosion: Boy, they sure don’t care what they do to Nevada, do they?†But Pat explained loftily: Don’t be silly, Nancy. They have to make a place to put Hawaii when it gets to be the 49th state. * * * From the Times Record of Troy, New York dated 15 May 1953 (This was the atomic blast of March 17, 1953, at Yucca Flat, Nevada Proving Ground.) mds
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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear...do you understand?" The rancher nodded politely, apolo…
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Once, arriving in London on a visit of state, the Shah of Persia avidly observed the bustling life of the great metropolis as he passed down the street in an open carriage. He glimpsed a small urchin perched on a lamppost, thumbling his nose and asked the British diplomat accompanying him to explain the meaning of the gesture. “That, Your Majesty,†came the unctuous reply, “is a token of great respect.†The Shah was leaving the British capital a few days later, when he bethought himself of the many courtesies and kindnesses he had received at the hands of British officialdom. So to show his esteem for the assembled nobility at the railroad …
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A newspaper reporter had been sent to interview a rancher who was reported to own a talking horse. During the interview, the rancher explained that the horse was not only capable of talking, but was also a first rate comedian. “That horse has a wonderful collection of jokes,†said the rancher, “and I value him at $5,000. However, I own a mule that is worth twice as much.†“Why is the mule so valuable?†asked the reporter. “Who do you think writes the horse’s material?†the rancher answered. * * * *
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How to Interpret Performance Reports Some of you might like to know what supervisors are really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations they keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTI…
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Okay, men! “We’ll take practice jumps in the morning,†the sergeant bellowed to the paratroop recruits. Next morning, the young airborne GI’s were aloft in a troop carrier. All went in perfect order as one by one the soldiers hit the silk, until the last man, a happy-go-lucky type came up to the plane’s door. “Hold it!†roared the sargeant. “For heaven’s sake, Buster, you’re not wearing your parachute.†“Oh, that’s all right,†smiled the recruit. “Just a practice jump, isn’t it?†* * * from a 1953 newspaper so it must have been a C-119 Flying Boxcar.
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Seems a man walked into a downtown office building and headed for the elevator. The door was open and he stepped briskly through, falling two flights to the basement. “Darn it all,†he exclaimed angrily as he struggled to his feet. “I said Up!†* * * *
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A woman went to a doctor to complain about her husband’s odd obsession. “It’s terrible, Doctor,†she wailed. “All the time he thinks he’s an ice box. “Well,†consoled the medical man, “that isn’t too bad. Quite a harmless delusion, I’d say.†“The delusion I don’t mind, Doctor,†said the woman, “but when he sleeps with his mouth open, the little light keeps me awake.†* * * *
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When the last census was being taken (1950), one of the data gatherers got a territory in the mountain country of southwestern Virginia. His first call was made at a cabin on a seldomly used road and when he asked the woman how many children she had, she told him “Four.†“What are their ages, ma’am?†“Well now, mister, I don’t rightly rec’lect,†the woman answered. “But I’ve got one lap chile, one floor creeper, one porch chile and one yard young ‘un.†* * * * *
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Two distillers of Tennessee moonshine were discussing their operation. “When I take my stuff into town,†one of them explained. "Ah always drive mighty slow – ‘bout 20 miles an hour.†“Skeered o’ the law†the other jeered. “Nope,†retorted the first. “Ye gotta age that stuff, hain’t ye?†* * * *
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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him And one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might h…
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I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don't care about or respect others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category. This story involves the police department in the small hill country town of Fredericksburg, TX who reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Kerrville . He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt,…
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Ware had got a job at last. After months of unemployment he was hired as an assistant to an antique dealer. The very first morning the boss came in and saw him standing idle in the shop. “Go up to the storeroom,†he ordered, “and get me a Greek urn for Mr. Wilson, and be quick about it.†Ware rushed upstairs and called to one of the packers, “Hi mate, what’s a Greek urn?†“I don’t know,†was the reply. “Depends on the job he’s got.†* * * *
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Undersecretary of Labor tells this story about a Kentuckian who was walking along the road carrying a jug of moonshine he had acquired from the local moonshiner. Unfortunately, he met the sheriff, who immediately evidenced a keen interest in the jug. The mountain man insisted if was filled with water from a spring. But the sheriff insisted on sampling it. He took one swig and choked. “You call that water?†he said. “Just taste it.†The Kentuckian took a long pull at the jug. “Well, whaddya know, sheriff,†he said. “The good Lord’s gone and done it again.†* * * *
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An Indian once appeared before the Senate Committee on Indian Affairs to get aid for his drought-stricken tribe. The chairman objected on the grounds that the Indians were not sufficiently industrious, whereupon the Indian interrupted. “Senator, do you mean to say that I don’t have enough sense to manage my own business?†“No,†replied the Senator. “I was only thinking of the average member of your tribe.†“I am an average member of my tribe,†said the Indian. “No,†said the Senator. “Your tribe would not send an average man to represent them before the Congress of the United States. They would send the smartest man they had.…
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An African chieftain flew to London for a visit and was met at the airport by newsmen. “Good morning, Chief,†one said. “Did you have a comfortable flight?†The Chief made a series of raucous noises – honk, oink, screech, whistle, z-z-z then added in perfect English, “Yes, very pleasant indeed.†“And how long do you plan to stay?†asked the reporter.†Again the noises – honk, oink, screech, whistle, z-z-z then added “about three weeks, I think.†“Tell me, Chief,†inquired the baffled reporter, “where did you learn to speak such flawless English?†Again the noises - honk, oink, screech, whistle, z-z-z then sai…
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After having attended a conference in a small town, a famous psychiatrist chatted with the mayor. “Tell me Professor,†the mayor said. “How can one tell a person is insane?†“It’s very simple,†the Professor said. “One begins by asking any question that’s within the scopes of any normal person. For instance: “Captain Cook made three trips around the world, and met death on one of them. On which one of the voyages did Cook die?†“Couldn’t you ask me another question? I’m not very well conversed on explorations.†* * *
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A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of Tennessee and was on first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked. "Yep," came a kid's voice through the door. "Is your father there?" asked the social worker. "Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in," said the kid. "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker. "Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here," said the kid. "But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?" "Sure, but not here," s…
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[h=2]Modern politics[/h] Politics explained SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away... TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have…
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The “greenhorn†switchman was working the yards one night in a small Missouri town. Part of the night’s work included pushing cars down a spur track to the loading docks of a manufacturing plant. A switch at the lower end of the spur led to an unused section of track which ended in the backwaters of the Mississippi River. Unknowingly having thrown the switch to the unused spur, the young switchman, when asked how many more cars the spur would hold, replied confidently. “If they all go where the first five went, mister, you can push cars down here all night and never fill up the track!†* * * *
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A convict was breaking up rocks in a prison yard when a minister stopped by on an inspection trip. The minister remarked that the prisoner still had a lot of work to get through with. “Yep,†agreed the convict. “Them stones are just like the Ten Commandments. You can go on breaking ‘em but you can’t never get rid of ‘em.†* * * *
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