Sonny's Funnies
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15 Cerebral Witticisms Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give-away.) In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. The m…
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15 Cerebral Witticisms Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Reading while sunbathing makes you well red . When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give-away.) In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count v…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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15 Cerebral Witticisms: Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't b…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Reading while sunbathing makes you well red . When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. What's the definition of a …
Last reply by Sonny, -
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1. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?" 2. "No really...I was laughing about a joke I heard one time." 3. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off." 4. "You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread." 5. "Wait a minute...I get it. What time of the month is it? 6. "Are you gonna cry? (force lip to quiver mockingly)...cry for your mommy?" 7. "You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one? 8. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. 9. "That reminds me. Next time you go to the store could you add a giant fucking cork to the shopping list? 10. "Whoa, time out honey. Football is on." 11. "Looks like someone had an…
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1972: Long hair 2002: Longing for hair 1972: The perfect high 2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund 1972: KEG 2002: EKG 1972: Acid rock 2002: Acid reflux 1972: Moving to California because it's cool 2002: Moving to California because it's warm 1972: Growing pot 2002: Growing pot belly 1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1972: Seeds and stems 2002: Roughage 1972: Popping pills, smoking joints 2002: Popping joints 1972: Killer weed 2002: Weed killer 1972: Hoping for a BMW 2002: Hoping for a BM 1972: The Grateful Dead 2002: Dr. Kevorkian 1972: Going to a new, hi…
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A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 1. Don't change horses until they stop running. 2. Strike while the bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but How? 6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirt…
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2 Brothers
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There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said.…
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The federal government’s most valuable function is entertainment. Never even remotely suggest to a woman that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. A penny saved is worthless. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. One factor uniting all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday, and that time is age 11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illnes…
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All of his life George had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny l…
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25 facts of life: 1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time. 3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor. 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. 5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 6. A penny saved is worthless.…
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25 facts of life 1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time. 3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor. 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. 5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 6. A penny saved is worthless. 7. They can hold all the p…
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25 More Things I Learned From The Movies: No matter how dead you think you’ve killed a bad guy, he can still get up at least three more times. People rarely use the bathroom, and if they do, they’re usually dead within minutes. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. Cemeteries generate their own weather. Usually rainstorms… and not just gentle sprinkles, but biblical downpours. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill — just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. …
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25 More Things I Learned From The Movies: No matter how dead you think you’ve killed a bad guy, he can still get up at least three more times. People rarely use the bathroom, and if they do, they’re usually dead within minutes. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. Cemeteries generate their own weather. Usually rainstorms… and not just gentle sprinkles, but biblical downpours. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill — just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper c…
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25 Signs You've Grown Up: Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. You watch the Weather Channel. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. Older relatives fe…
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25 Signs You've Grown Up: Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. You watch the Weather Channel. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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25 Signs You've Grown Up: Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. You watch the Weather Channel. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. Older relatives feel comfortab…
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25 Things I Learned From The Movies 1. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. 2. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. 3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. 4. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. 5. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. 6. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness. 7. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.…
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25 Things I Learned From The Movies 1. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. 2. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. 3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. 4. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. 5. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. 6. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness. 7. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. 8. No matt…
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25 Things I Learned From The Movies: 1. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. 2. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. 3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. 4. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. 5. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. 6. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness. 7. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will kno…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up." 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't k…
Last reply by Fräulein, -
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#1 .. SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick! #2 ... BARACK OBAMA: Let me be clear, the chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change! Real change! Change he could believe in! #3 ... JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. #4 ... HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure, right from Day One, that every chicken in this country gets the cha…
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Golfer Sam Sneed once told a group of awe-stricken fans at the Century Golf Club about the time he was slicing badly and zoomed a drive 280 yards through a bungalow window. “The ball upset an oil lamp and set the bungalow on fire,†asserted Sam “What did you do?†chorused the fans. “There was only one thing I could do,†said Sam solemnly. “I quickly teed up another ball, aimed carefully, and hit the fire alarm box on Anderson road. The fire engines were at the bungalow before much damage was done!†* * *
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3 Cold Ones
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3 Cold Ones Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary in London, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner. Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Boudreaux from Louisiana, 30, struck by lightning." "Wh…
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3 Docs at Heaven's Gate: Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven. The doctor first doctor said "Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work." The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came. He said, "I haven't won any prizes, but I've started free clinics and helped those in need for free." St. Peter let him in. The third doctor said, "I'm responsible for all the HMO's across the United States." St. Peter thought about it for a minute and sa…
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