Sonny

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE: 1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing. 11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 13. God must love stupid people; He made so many of them. 14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! 18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 19. Procrastinate Now! 20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance 23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 24.. Be thankful we are not getting all the government we are

Bob's Annual Review: 1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without 3. wasting company time talking to colleagues.Bob never 4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5. finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be 11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13. executed as soon as possible. Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd lines.

Aging with a Smile: Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first. My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it. I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. I think I've reached my sexpiration date. People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for people my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty." Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up. Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

Interesting Quotes: Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. - Groucho Marx If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher In China, when you're one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you. - Bill Gates It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple. - Rabindranath Tagore The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. - Mark Twain Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished. - Leslie Nielsen Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. - Eddie Cantor We must take change by the hand or rest assuredly, change will take us by the throat. - Winston Churchill Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. - Lily Tomlin The worst thing that can happen to you can be the best thing for you, if you don't let it get the best of you. - Will Rogers If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you have ever tried. - Ricky Gervais There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. - Peter Drucker When you're certain you cannot be fooled, you become easy to fool. - Edward Teller History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme. - Mark Twain This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful. - W. C. Fields If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. - Milton Berle It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men. - Mae West I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill It isn't pollution that is harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. - Dan Quayle Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco. - Will Rogers Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain You only get a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity so many times. - Pittsburgh Steelers cornerback Ike Taylor There are two kinds of people in the world: those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who don't. - Robert Benchley I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - University of Kentucky Forward Winston Bennett In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not. - Albert Einstein If everybody's thinking the same thing, then nobody's thinking. - George S. Patton I am not young enough to know everything. - Oscar Wilde Always drink upstream from the herd. - Will Rogers I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx It's time for the human race to enter the solar system. - Dan Quayle Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Actual Newspaper Headlines: Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway, Creates Jam Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy Crack Found on Governor's Daughter New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Navy Changes Skirt Policy, Making Apparel Optional Stolen Painting Found by Tree Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years Headless Body Found in Topless Bar State Dinner Featured Cat, American Food All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery Chinese Apeman Dated Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter Woman Kicked by her Husband said to be Greatly Improved Former Man Dies in California MacArthur Flies Back to Front Shut-Ins Can Grow Indoors with Lights Deer Kill 17,000 Court to Try Shooting Defendant Lucky Man Sees Pals Die Passengers Hit by Cancelled Trains New Vaccine To Contain Rabies Lucky Victim Stabbed Three Times London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge President of Company Says, "Stud Tires Out" Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire Bridge Held Up By Red Tape Man, Minus Ear, Waives Hearing Man is Fatally Slain

REMEMBER: A boiled egg is hard to beat. A calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. He had a photographic memory, which was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses

Confucius Say... Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper. Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground. One dog barks at something, the rest bark at him. Man who streaks is unsuited for his work. Girl who does everything under the sun gets everything sunburned. Man who places head in sand will get kicked in the end. Man who gets too big for his britches may get exposed in the end. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratches rear should not bite fingernails. Man who sinks into woman's arms soon will find arms in woman's sink. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Hourglasses are waste of time. Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left. Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent. If you want pretty nurse, you must be patient. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. Modern house without toilet uncanny. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion.

A Congressman in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. 'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'

It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'" "Breakfast was my idea."

Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard! I bet you I could stop gambling. I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided. I can't get enough minimalism. I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. Do ten millipedes equal one centipede? The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me. Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it. Take everything in moderation. Including moderation. There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know. Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps. Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please? Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge. If at first you don't succeed, try left field. When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, "I didn't get to where I am today by listening to people like you! Sacred cows make the best hamburgers. I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me. If #2 pencils are the most popular, why are they still #2? I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired. I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York. I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon. Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees. It's not who you know, it's whom you know. There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot". One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?" A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right. Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work. Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat? Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence. Originality is the art of concealing your sources. Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy. Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Employment History: My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. I was a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job. I worked in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I was a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. I tried to be a chef. I thought it would add a little spice to my life,but I just didn't have the thyme. I was a deli worker, but anyway I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. I was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patients. I worked in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I always wanted to be a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it. I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking. I got a job as a historian but I realized there was no future in it. I was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Happy Birthday, Ken!!

BUMPER STICKERS WE WOULD LIKE TO SEE!! 18. If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em!" 17. Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole. 16. Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings." 15. The proctologist called...they found your head. 14. Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film. 13. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date. 12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. 11. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off. 10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 9. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. 8. Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me." 7. Heart Attacks..God's revenge for eating His animal friends. 6. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me. 5. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.. 4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. 3. Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself. 2. Hang up and drive!! 1. Welcome to America...now speak English

Still Pondering: Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Ponderings: If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? Why are wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

You Guessed It! More Ponderings: How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say "Open here".What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ? The light went out, but where to ? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra? How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are? Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? Why is the alphabet in that order? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

1972: Long hair 2025: Longing for hair 1972: The perfect high 2025: The perfect high yield mutual fund 1972: KEG 2025: EKG 1972: Acid rock 2025: Acid reflux 1972: Moving to California because it's cool 2025: Moving to California because it's warm 1972: Growing pot 2025: Growing pot belly 1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2025: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1972: Seeds and stems 2025: Roughage 1972: Popping pills, smoking joints 2025: Popping joints 1972: Killer weed 2025: Weed killer 1972: Hoping for a BMW 2025: Hoping for a BM 1972: The Grateful Dead 2025: Dr. Kevorkian 1972: Going to a new, hip joint 2025: Receiving a new hip joint 1972: Rolling Stones 2025: Kidney Stones 1972: Being called into the principal's office 2025: Calling the principal's office 1972: Screw the system 2025: Upgrade the system 1972: Disco 2025: Costco 1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2025: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1972: Taking acid 2025: Taking antacid 1972: Passing the drivers' test 2025: Passing the vision test 1972: Whatever 2025: Depends

Business one-liners: Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else. Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. Never put all your eggs in your pocket. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time. Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Never tell them what you wouldn't do. Never try to pacify someone at the height of his rage. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Never volunteer for anything. Never wrestle a pig; you both get dirty, and he likes it. Nice guys finish last but it is lonely at the top. No experiment is ever a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad example. No good deed goes unpunished. No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. No man's credit is as good as his money.

Business one-liners: Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. Logic can never decide what is possible or impossible. Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. Love letters, business contracts, and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent. Make dust or eat dust. Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert. Many are called, but few are at their desks. Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours. Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. Maybe I can't make you do it but I sure can make you sorry you didn't! Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it. Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end. Mere unassisted merit advances slowly, if it advances at all. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Most projects require three hands. Most well-trodden paths lead nowhere.

A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

DEFINITIONS: ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH: A female moth. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Silly Dictionary: Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable \uh-avoy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with. Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does. Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did after his bag was full of loot. Misty \miss'-tee\: How golfers create divots. Paradox \par'-of-docks\: Two physicians. Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm. Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with. Primate \pri'-mate\: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Relief \ree-leaf'\: What trees do in the spring. Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife. Seamstress \seem'-stress\: Describes 250 pounds in a size six. Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does. Subdued \some-dood'\: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man. Sudafed \soo'-da-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official