Sonny

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000..00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

Puns, For the Educated Mind 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.' 14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me. 15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.' 16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' 17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. 19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 21. A backward poet writes inverse. 22. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes. 23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

A fourth grade class was doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before'. He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R." The teacher says, "No that’s wrong, can anyone else spell 'before'?" Suzie stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R." Again the teacher says, "No that’s wrong," The teacher asks, "John, can you spell 'before'?" John stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E." The teacher says, "Excellent John. Now, can you use it in a sentence?" John says, "Yes ma'am. Two plus two be fore."

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and to send you kids to a great university!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The boy replied: "Yes. 'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman or Governor."

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor... "I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband. "My testicles are turning blue." "That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you." The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are blue. The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?" "Yes, I am," she replied. "And what kind of jelly are you using with it?" "Grape"

WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES: Husband's note on refrigerator for wife: Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal. " I didn't know you liked beer "

Men Are Just Happier People: NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators...YEP!!! MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need--but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man can forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Are there still any members out there that still check in?? We need some posts even if it is to tell us how you are doing.

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we start wearing rubbers." And the congregation said, "Amen"

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded.. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."....

More Business one-liners: Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else. Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. Never put all your eggs in your pocket. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time. Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Never tell them what you wouldn't do. Never try to pacify someone at the height of his rage. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Never volunteer for anything. Never wrestle a pig; you both get dirty, and he likes it. Nice guys finish last but it is lonely at the top. No experiment is ever a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad example. No good deed goes unpunished. No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. No man's credit is as good as his money.

Business one-liners: Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. Logic can never decide what is possible or impossible. Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. Love letters, business contracts, and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent. Make dust or eat dust. Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert. Many are called, but few are at their desks. Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours. Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. Maybe I can't make you do it but I sure can make you sorry you didn't! Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it. Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end. Mere unassisted merit advances slowly, if it advances at all. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Most projects require three hands. Most well-trodden paths lead nowhere.

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul the banker says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?" Saul replies, "Morty, this is a heck of a time to be asking for money!"

Business one-liners: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life. If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops. If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line. If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line. If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble. If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. If you throw something away, you will need it the next day. If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. If you understand it, it is obsolete. If you want to be well liked, never lie about yourself, and be careful when telling the truth about others. It works better if you plug it in. If you want to get along, go along. If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added. Ignorance is bliss. No wonder I'm so depressed. Illegitimus non Carborundem: "Don't let the scum bags grind you down" In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion. In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so. In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there. In any household, junk accumulates to the the space available for its storage. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he's right.

A photographer, who was also a confirmed atheist, decided to go into the woods to get photos of the fall foliage. It was a beautiful day....fall colors, birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves. While snapping shots, the atheist heard a noise behind him, and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes. He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running....... and looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him. He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet, and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the atheist saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw...... and the atheist cried out, "Oh, God, no!" And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the atheist heard a booming voice say, "Young man. For years you doubted my very existence, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?" And the atheist thought for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, "Done." And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw. And the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, "Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat."

Today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else. A young girl with a tattoo and green hair walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look. I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it. When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" I just say, "No, it's for company!" Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance." The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble. Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?" Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up, sags or leaks. Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable. Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 17. Every calendar's days are numbered. 18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine. 19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 21. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 29. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

A very elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid nineties, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave. He presents a very well looked after image. Seated at the bar is an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid eighties). The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a Manhattan. He takes a sip. He slowly turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Ten Best Caddy Responses: Number : 10 Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?" Number : 9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth." Number : 8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes . . . You miss the ball much closer now." Number : 7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually." Number : 6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so . . .That would be too much of a coincidence." Number : 5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass." Number : 4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "It's very good - personally, I prefer golf." Number : 3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day." >Number : 2 >Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago." And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment: Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Business one-liners: Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer. Everybody's gotta be someplace. Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. Everyone has a scheme that will not work. Everyone hits a brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your head. Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean. Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. Everything in moderation, including moderation. Everything is actually everything else, just recycled. Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. Everything takes longer than you think. Everything tastes more or less like chicken. Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed. Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. Excellence can be attained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible. Exceptions always outnumber rules.

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens. Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes. Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself. Bad news drives good news out of the media. Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upward from the floor. Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty. Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it. Being a good communicator means people find out what is really wrong with you. Believing is seeing. Better latent than never. Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil. Beware of those wearing suspenders with belts.

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess." So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

Bricks: Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 potential job candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation. If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department. If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning. If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations. If they are sleeping. Put them in security. If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology. If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources. If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in sales. If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing. If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning. And then last but not least. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Executive Management.