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Sonny

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Everything posted by Sonny

  1. Happy Birthday, Ken!!
  2. Definitions: Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with. Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does. Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot. Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots. Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians. Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm. Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins in Antarctica see with. Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring. Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife. Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two. Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does. Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines. Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official
  3. Medicare - Part G - Nursing Home Plan: Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Part G. The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun ( Part G ) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered! As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes! Is this a great country or what? Now that you have solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week! NOTE: This is a joke!! I am not inciting anyone to actually shoot a politician. It's a shame I feel I have to post this disclaimer!!
  4. While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator is tragically hit by a car and killed. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that, before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven for a day." So, the Senator joins a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns "Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning to get your vote...Today, you voted."
  5. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2025: 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. 2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker. 3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood. 4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa. 5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP. 6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: FairwellHoneychild. 7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants. 8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
  6. The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The irony in some of these are absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though sometimes awkward). Check them out: - Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One - Miners Refuse to Work after Death - Include Your Children when Baking Cookies - Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide - Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead - Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says - Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers - Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted - Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case - Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents - Iraqi Head Seeks Arms - Prostitutes Appeal to Pope - Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over - British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands - Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms - Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe - Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told - Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant - War Dims Hope for Peace - Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures - Deer Kill 17,000 - Stolen Painting Found by Tree - Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy - Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire - Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood - Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half - New Vaccine May Contain Rabies - Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors - Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter - Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years - Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges - Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge - New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group - Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft - Kids Make Nutritious Snacks - Eye Drops Off Shelf - Teachers Strike Idle Kids - Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead - Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died
  7. Some of Life's Reflections: Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every second one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.
  8. A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000..00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
  9. Puns, For the Educated Mind 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.' 14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me. 15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.' 16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' 17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. 19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 21. A backward poet writes inverse. 22. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes. 23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
  10. Sonny

    SPELLING

    A fourth grade class was doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before'. He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R." The teacher says, "No that’s wrong, can anyone else spell 'before'?" Suzie stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R." Again the teacher says, "No that’s wrong," The teacher asks, "John, can you spell 'before'?" John stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E." The teacher says, "Excellent John. Now, can you use it in a sentence?" John says, "Yes ma'am. Two plus two be fore."
  11. A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and to send you kids to a great university!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The boy replied: "Yes. 'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman or Governor."
  12. A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor... "I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband. "My testicles are turning blue." "That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you." The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are blue. The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?" "Yes, I am," she replied. "And what kind of jelly are you using with it?" "Grape"
  13. WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES: Husband's note on refrigerator for wife: Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal. " I didn't know you liked beer "
  14. Men Are Just Happier People: NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators...YEP!!! MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need--but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man can forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
  15. Are there still any members out there that still check in?? We need some posts even if it is to tell us how you are doing.
  16. There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we start wearing rubbers." And the congregation said, "Amen"
  17. A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded.. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."....
  18. More Business one-liners: Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else. Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. Never put all your eggs in your pocket. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time. Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Never tell them what you wouldn't do. Never try to pacify someone at the height of his rage. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Never volunteer for anything. Never wrestle a pig; you both get dirty, and he likes it. Nice guys finish last but it is lonely at the top. No experiment is ever a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad example. No good deed goes unpunished. No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. No man's credit is as good as his money.
  19. Business one-liners: Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. Logic can never decide what is possible or impossible. Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. Love letters, business contracts, and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent. Make dust or eat dust. Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert. Many are called, but few are at their desks. Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours. Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. Maybe I can't make you do it but I sure can make you sorry you didn't! Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it. Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end. Mere unassisted merit advances slowly, if it advances at all. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Most projects require three hands. Most well-trodden paths lead nowhere.
  20. Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul the banker says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?" Saul replies, "Morty, this is a heck of a time to be asking for money!"
  21. Business one-liners: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life. If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops. If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line. If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line. If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble. If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. If you throw something away, you will need it the next day. If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. If you understand it, it is obsolete. If you want to be well liked, never lie about yourself, and be careful when telling the truth about others. It works better if you plug it in. If you want to get along, go along. If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added. Ignorance is bliss. No wonder I'm so depressed. Illegitimus non Carborundem: "Don't let the scum bags grind you down" In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion. In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so. In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there. In any household, junk accumulates to the the space available for its storage. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he's right.
  22. A photographer, who was also a confirmed atheist, decided to go into the woods to get photos of the fall foliage. It was a beautiful day....fall colors, birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves. While snapping shots, the atheist heard a noise behind him, and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes. He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running....... and looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him. He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet, and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the atheist saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw...... and the atheist cried out, "Oh, God, no!" And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the atheist heard a booming voice say, "Young man. For years you doubted my very existence, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?" And the atheist thought for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, "Done." And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw. And the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, "Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat."
  23. Sonny

    Stuff

    Today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else. A young girl with a tattoo and green hair walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look. I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it. When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" I just say, "No, it's for company!" Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance." The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble. Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?" Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up, sags or leaks. Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable. Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
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