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Everything posted by Sonny

  1. DILBERT'S WORDS OF WISDOM: 1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? 4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. 10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!" 12. My Reality Check bounced. 13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. 15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
  2. Types of computer viruses: Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does. Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years. Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer. Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network. Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee.. David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white. Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error). Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number. Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog! Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car. New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. Nike virus: Just Does It! Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder. Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen. Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:. Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus." PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money. Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism". Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback. Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives. Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened. Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message. Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years
  3. 7 Word Obituary: A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries." Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale.'"
  4. More Actual Newspaper Headlines: Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in Ten Years Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told New Vaccine May Contain AIDS Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Hospitals Sued By Seven Foot Doctors Expert Says Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash Bank Drive-in Window Blocked By Board Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One Eye Drops Off Shelf Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests Miners Refuse to Work After Death Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies Two Sisters Reunite After Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter Never Withhold Herpes From Loved One Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy Drunk Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984 Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to do Better If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly it May Last a While War Dims Hope for Peace Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  5. Actual Newspaper Headlines: Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway, Creates Jam Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy Crack Found on Governor's Daughter New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Navy Changes Skirt Policy, Making Apparel Optional Stolen Painting Found by Tree Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years Headless Body Found in Topless Bar State Dinner Featured Cat, American Food All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery Chinese Apeman Dated Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter Woman Kicked by her Husband said to be Greatly Improved Former Man Dies in California MacArthur Flies Back to Front Shut-Ins Can Grow Indoors with Lights Deer Kill 17,000 Court to Try Shooting Defendant Lucky Man Sees Pals Die Passengers Hit by Cancelled Trains New Vaccine To Contain Rabies Lucky Victim Stabbed Three Times London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge President of Company Says, "Stud Tires Out" Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire Bridge Held Up By Red Tape Man, Minus Ear, Waives Hearing Man is Fatally Slain
  6. 54-1631 was intended for VNAF but was rejected according to Lars Olausson's Lockheed Hercules Production List.
  7. A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married ? Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry." "Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl. The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." "Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend. "She was looking for the perfect man," he said
  8. Chairman of the Board To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
  9. BUMPER STICKERS: What I really need are minions. Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore. So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute? I'm an English major: You do the math. I need someone real bad. Are you real bad? Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. The more you complain the longer God makes you live. I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Out of my mind - back in five minutes. Without ME, it's just AWESO. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. Life would be easier if I had the source code. Hang up and drive. God must love stupid people. He made SO many. I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen. Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot. I fish, therefore I lie. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  10. A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.
  11. The truth about Vaseline… A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?” She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.” “If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it for sex,” she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?” The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”
  12. It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'" "Breakfast was my idea."
  13. When I tell friends that I dream in color; they say it's just a pigment of my imagination. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? Help Wanted: Telepath; you know where to apply. Look out for #1, and don't step in #2, either. Department of Redundancy Department "If the shoe fits, buy it." - Imelda Marcos It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs. Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf". A day for firm decisions! Or is it? A day without radiation is a day without sunshine. A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago. Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. An unemployed court jester is no one's fool. Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough. As I said before, I never repeat myself . As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia. Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people. Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise. Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular. Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events. Clones are people two. Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools. Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary! Do not put statements in the negative form. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected? Don't be a sexist, broads hate that. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Friction can be a drag sometimes. He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester and Keith Moon School of hair styling. Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back! Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy! Honk if you love peace and quiet. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand! Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got. I'd like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else's blood. I couldn't care less about apathy. Drilling for oil is boring
  14. The trouble with life is there's no background music. Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh. Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case. If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands? Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once. Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it? All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. Strip mining prevents forest fires. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem. I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory. The meek shall inherit the earth - after we're through with it. If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Ham and Eggs - A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig. Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career. How much can I get away with and still go to heaven? Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough. Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you. Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home. A closed mouth gathers no foot. The trouble with life is there's no background music. I was only looking at your name tag, honest! Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible. Jesus is coming, so look busy. We have enough youth: how about a fountain of "smart"? Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane. Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do. My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat! Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking? Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid? I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize. Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals." Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior. Death to all fanatics! Chastity is curable, if detected early. Smokers are just like everybody else. Just not as long. Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. Somebody who knows how will always have a job. Working for someone who knows why. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.
  15. Sonny


    Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard! I bet you I could stop gambling. I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided. I can't get enough minimalism. I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. Do ten millipedes equal one centipede? The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me. Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it. Take everything in moderation. Including moderation. There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know. Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps. Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please? Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge. If at first you don't succeed, try left field. When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, "I didn't get to where I am today by listening to people like you! Sacred cows make the best hamburgers. I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me. If #2 pencils are the most popular, why are they still #2? I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired. I live in California, and my watch is three hours fast, I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York. I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon. Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees. It's not who you know, it's whom you know. There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot". One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?" A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right. Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work. Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat? Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence. Originality is the art of concealing your sources. Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy. Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
  16. Words Of Wisdom: Scars are like tattoos but with better stories. The trouble with trouble is it starts out as fun. I consider on time to be when I get there. If practice makes perfect and nobody’s perfect…….why practice? The last time I reached for the stars I pulled a muscle. Well another day passed and I didn’t use Algebra once. I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you. Everything I say is fully substantiated by my opinion. Here I am. Now what are your other two wishes? If I can’t fix it, it must not be broken. Still crazy after all these beers. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. It’s not that I lack sympathy, okay maybe it is. Earth is the insane asylum of the universe. If you met my family you would understand. It is what it is………or is it? Grandparents: so easy to operate even a child can do it. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. I can’t brain today. I have the dumb. Dear Algebra; Stop asking me to find your X. She’s not coming back. I’m not bald, I’m just taller than my hair. If you just did what you were told, I wouldn’t have to be so bossy. Never trust an atom, they make up everything.
  17. There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job." Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve. Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?" Ole, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in." The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!" "Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin out of the ground!
  18. Golfing Realities: Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps. When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn? It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game. Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you. That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.
  19. These aren't Murphy's Laws but some of them should be: "The Law of Volunteering"--If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law of Avoiding Oversell"--When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. "The Law of Common Sense" --Never accept a drink from a urologist. "The Law of Reality" --Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. "The Law of Self Sacrifice" --When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. "The Law of Motivation" --Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. "Dick's Law" --You always find something in the last place you look. "Weiler's Law" --Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. "Law of Probable Dispersal" --Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. "Law of Volunteer Labor" --People are always available for work in the past tense. "Conway's Law" --In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired. "Iron Law of Distribution" --Them that has, gets. "Law of Cybernetic Entomology" --There is always one more bug. "Law of Drunkenness" --You can't fall off the floor. "Peter's Law" --The first myth of management is that it exists. "Osborne's Law" --Variables won't; constants aren't. "Main's Law" --For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. "Weinberg's Second Law" --If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
  20. At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying an infant. She started walking toward the pastor slowly. Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?" The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
  21. Definitions: Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with. Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does. Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot. Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots. Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians. Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm. Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins in Antarctica see. Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring. Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife. Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two. Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does. Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines. Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official
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