Sonny

March 2, 2021

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out.

At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.

The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Ole, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin out of the ground!

February 25, 2021

Golfing Realities:

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more.

A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn?

It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.

That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

February 22, 2021

February 19, 2021

These aren't Murphy's Laws but some of them should be:

"The Law of Volunteering"--If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"--When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense" --Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality" --Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice" --When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"The Law of Motivation" --Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

"Dick's Law" --You always find something in the last place you look.

"Weiler's Law" --Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal" --Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor" --People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law" --In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution" --Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology" --There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkenness" --You can't fall off the floor.

"Peter's Law" --The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law" --Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law" --For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law" --If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

February 18, 2021

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying an infant. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.

Everything quickly turned to chaos.

The bride slapped the groom.

The groom's mother fainted.

The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"

The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."

February 10, 2021

Definitions:

Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.

Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots.

Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians.

Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm.

Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins in Antarctica see.

Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two.

Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines.

Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official

February 8, 2021

February 7, 2021

Food Spoilage Guide, A Guide For The Rest Of Us!

Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!

THE GAG TEST

Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS

When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS

Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE

If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS

Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES

This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT

If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD

Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR

Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT

It never spoils.

CEREAL

It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE

Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS

Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS

A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS

Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES

Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP

If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS

Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS

You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB

Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

February 4, 2021

A husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids,all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you".

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter,a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"

January 28, 2021

A wise person once said…

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are without clothes .

2. Having a cold drink

on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot

friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Breaking News:

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of

mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the

woman's husband.

4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing

between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men

may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is

available.

AND

5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent

study found that women who carry a little extra weight live

longer than the men who mention it.

January 27, 2021

How children perceive their Grandparents......

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,

"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

"What's it about?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck.."

A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

January 22, 2021

When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

Well, here I am! What are your other two wishes?

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

The problem with sex in the movies is, that the popcorn usually spills.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.

Every organization is perfectly designed to get the results they are getting.

January 16, 2021

Ponderings:

How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

You know how most packages say "Open here".What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ?

The light went out, but where to ?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?

How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are?

Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

January 15, 2021

Advice from Men to Women:

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine. It does not mean that is your chance to complain about the taste of the water and the salsa.

What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.

When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.

When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.

The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.

Sports Center starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.

You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!

January 15, 2021

Nice to see you back! Always enjoyed your posts. Hey Ken!!! Always nice to hear from you, too.

January 15, 2021

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,

"So which six items would you like to buy?"

December 24, 2020

December 21, 2020

Definitions Male/Female:

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

a. female...Any part under a car's hood.

b. male...The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

a. female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

b. male...Playing any sport without a "cup."

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

a. female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

b. male...Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. BUTT (but) n.

a. female...The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."

b. male...What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n

a. female...A desire to get married and raise a family.

b. male...Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

a. female...A good movie, concert, play or book.

b. male...Anything that can be done while drinking.

7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

a. female...An embarrassing by-product of digestion.

b. male...An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.

8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

a. female...The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

b. male...Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

a. female...A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

b. male...A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.

10. FOOTBALL (fut-bol) n.

a. female...An annoying 6 month long competition for a partner's attention.

b. male...6 months off from spending time with what's her name.

December 11, 2020

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people

I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

the eyesight to tell the difference.

December 3, 2020

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A checkout chick walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the girl was that told him about his "barracks door."
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"
The girl thought for a moment and said:
"No, no I didn't....... but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."

December 2, 2020

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

November 23, 2020

		A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
	

		Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
	

		"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
	

		They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
	

		The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
	

		"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
	

		"No," she replies...
	

		... "You just happened to catch my eye
	

November 17, 2020

Cool REAL Signs!

At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator)

"Best Place in Town to take a Leak"

Sign over a gynecologist's office

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumbers truck:

"We repair what your husband tried to fix."

On the trucks of a local plumbing comp

any in NE Pennsylvania:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:

"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:

“Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it"

At a laundry shop:

"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.

Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck

"Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:

"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:

"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

November 14, 2020

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did and for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...

The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper: "Port Left, Starboard Right.

November 10, 2020

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'' A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear......I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''

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