Sonny

HIM: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HIM: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours

HER: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HIM: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?

HER: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HIM: Will you go out with me this Saturday?

HER: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HIM: Your face must turn a few heads.

HER: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HIM: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.

HER: Okay, get out.

HIM: I think I could make you very happy.

HER: Why? Are you leaving?

HIM: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?

HER: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HIM: Can I have your name?

HER: Why? Don't you already have one?

HIM: Where have you been all my life?

HER: Hiding from you.

HIM: Haven't I seen you some place before?

HER: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HIM: Is this seat empty?

HER: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.

HIM: So, what do you do for a living?

HER: I'm a female impersonator.

HIM: Hey baby what's your sign?

HER: Do not enter.

HIM: Your body is like a temple.

HER: Sorry, there are no services today.

HIM: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

HER: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing .

HIM: Where have you been all my life?

HER: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

Bob,

Could you please add these to the gallery? Thanks.

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for

it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that

you had quit Your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you

came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked

your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home

and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.

Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case

is,

I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving

away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that

you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a

far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out

your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut

off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was

"You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you

can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with

MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep

on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on

it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed

fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I

quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you

were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the

filling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime

from me. So take care.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!...

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born

Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas.

Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on

sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He

walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different

about me?"

Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom; undresses and walks

back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he

asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down

today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again

tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?

IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.

To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year".

The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"

The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"

"The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don''t want to try these techniques at home.".

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience..

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.

"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets,often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ''Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?".

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked..

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

A man working in a brewery dies after falling into a vat of beer.

The manager breaks the news to his widow,

'Did he suffer Much?, she sobs.

' I don't think so', the manager tells her.

He climbed out three times to use the toilet'

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in

their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn

all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the

front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been

knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front

room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was

strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes

filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door

was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under

the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of

clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that

something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as

it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet

towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet

paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and

walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in

her pajamas, reading a novel! She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how

his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here

today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come

home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

A crusty old Marine Corps Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sgt. Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sgt. Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sgt. Major said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The SGM's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sgt. Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sgt. Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Sgt. Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,

"Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now."

I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred a week."I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure. She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."

Miscellaneous Terms

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

|"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa,what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out herewith no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

A Dictionary for Women

Aaaack (aak) interj. An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning - and you don't know where the spider is.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but *he* "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a basketball game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus, breath push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only trashy women would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers".

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself ...anyway.

The manager of a store overheard one of his clerks talking with a customer. "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for quite some time now and it doesn't appear like we'll be getting any soon."

Infuriated by what his clerk had said, the manager immediately rushed over to the customer as she was leaving and told her, "Ma'am, what you were just told simply isn't true. We'll definitely have some soon. Actually, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

He then went over to the clerk, pulled him aside and growled, "Don't you ever tell a customer we don't have something. If we don't have it, you're to say we've ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it the customer wanted?"

"Rain!" the clerk replied.

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday

afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down

into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister

turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls

him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.

"No, I didnt!" said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer,

brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30

seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace

of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this

is where he fell in?"

There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her husband to the store...because he spoke English.

Silly Dictionary

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at

McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-avoy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen

cabinets.

Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did after his bag was full of

loot.

Misty \miss'-tee\: How golfers create divots.

Paradox \par'-of-docks\: Two physicians.

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.

Primate \pri'-mate\: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief \ree-leaf'\: What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress \seem'-stress\: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.

Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued \some-dood'\: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like,

submarines, man.

Sudafed \soo'-da-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official.

Tinwhistle,

Thanks to you and Ken. It was, as you said, a "fascinating read".

"I'm afraid I'll never see you in heaven, Johnny," the Sunday School teacher

said to her most mischievous child.

"Why," questioned Johnny, "What have you been doing wrong?"

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about

things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked

his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up

with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have

so much hair?"

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.

He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

"I'm ashamed of you," Little Johnny's mother said. "Fighting with your best

friend is a terrible thing to do."

"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."

"When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."

"What good would that have done?" Little Johnny replied, "My aim is much

better than yours."

"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please

do my homework for me?"

Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny "At least you could try."

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to

go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. And on this day, the teacher

asked the class where they thought God lived. One little girl raised her

hand, and the teacher called upon her. "I think God lives in the sky,

because that is where heaven is." the girl replied. "That's good!" said the

teacher.

Another little boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him. "And

where do you think God lives?" she asked. Very piously, the boy answered

"God lives in each of our hearts!"

"That's VERY good," she smiled.

When she asked a third time, Little Johnny was the only one who raised his

hand. Quietly dreading his answer, the teacher asked, "And where do you

think God lives, Johnny?" "In the bathroom." he said. "In the bathroom?" she

asked, puzzled yet unable to stop herself.

"Yes, because every morning my father beats on the bathroom door and screams

'GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?' "

Little Johnny comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks,

"Well, what did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins

shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray

picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

A redneck came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door,

telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on

fire!"

"Okay" replied the fireman, "How do we get there?"

"Don't yall still have those big red trucks?"

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.

Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him -

HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach.

he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell.

After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked'

"Now what?"

to which the boy turned and shouted,

"NOW WE RUN"