Sonny

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months & 8 days to live."

Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital to have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change the color of her hair. Since she had so much more time to live she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God she said, "I thought you said I had another 40 years?

Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of that ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight

to Texas. After the plane took off, the cowboy

asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought

and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he

would like a drink.

Appalled, the minister replied, "I'd rather be tied

up and taken advantage of by a woman of ill-repute,

than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the

attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice".

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an Audi."

Casey,

would you please add these two pictures of 56-0533 to the gallery.

Thanks.

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic

name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of

Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called

Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful

consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced

that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also

considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of

course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in

liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage

suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to

literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this

a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails",

"highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will

market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants

and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,

there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge

erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

LIFE AFTER DEATH:

"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.

"YES, OF COURSE SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.

"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON.

"AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!"

PALM SUNDAY:

IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."

"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON:

ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"

SUPPORT A FAMILY:

THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"

THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, MMM, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

FIRST TIME USHERS:

A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.

WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."

PRAYERS:

THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS:

"OH, GRANDMA, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THAT TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US"

THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.

"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE MOOD RING:

MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS! GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.

THE WATER PISTOL:

WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.

I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"

MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "OH YES, I REMEMBER."

WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES:

Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:

Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal.

" I didn't know you liked beer "

Jim,

Is it still available? I missed your message somehow. I really am interested.

Sonny

Men are NOT mind readers.

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Saturday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it in that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what

we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of the

ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is a vegetable. We have

no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer

you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is

fine...

Really ..

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cars, or sex.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this

Muff,

Happy Birthday. May you have a great one.

Sonny

The New Alphabet

A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,

That used to be right, But now it won't float!

Age before Beauty is what we once said,

But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now...

A's for arthritis;

B's the bad back,

C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,

G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget ! what comes next

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P for prescription's, I have quite a few, just

give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

R for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;

V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?

X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year. I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,

And I've kept twenty-six 'doctors' fully employed!!!

Three vampires walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them suspiciously,

but decides to serve them anyway.

"What’ll it be, boys?"

The first vampire says

"Blood. Give me blood."

The second vampire says

"I too wish for blood!"

The third vampire says

"Give me plasma."

The Bartender smiles and says

"Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light."

Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local

lumberyard.

"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of 'em" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman, "Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while . . .

we're gonna build a barn."

Have you ever wondered

Why the sun lightens our hair,

but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,

and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why

don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV ads

"Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?â€

“A box of Tampax,†he replied without hesitation.

“Tampax?†said the doctor. “What would you do with that?â€

“Well,†said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars.

With Tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.â€

A neurotic is the person who builds a castle in the air.

A psychotic is the person who lives in it.

And a psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.

Agreed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is what marriage is really all about:

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple, all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'

She answered "The teeth"

The judge frowned at the tired robber and said,

“then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?â€

â€Yes, your honor.â€

“And why was that?†said the judge

“Because my wife wanted a dress.â€

The judge check with his records,

“But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!â€

“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.â€

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be eight again." she replied.

On the morning of her birthday,

he arose early,

made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park:

the Death Slide,

the Wall of Fear,

the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,

every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

On there way they journeyed to a McDonald's,

where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the movies:

the latest Star Wars epic,

an hot dog,

popcorn,

all the Coke she could drink,

and her favorite lolly and M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

Two drunks are walking along.

One drunk says to the other,

"What a beautiful night, look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend,

"You are wrong. That's not the moon, that's the sun."

Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said,

"Sorry, I don't live around here."

One day, an employee received an unusually large check.

She decided not to say anything about it.

The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss.

“How come,†the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?â€

Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake – but not two in a row!â€

Thanks guys. Look forward to browsing around both of these sites.

A man with a wooden eye was very sensitive about his eye for fear of people making fun of him.

One day this man decides to go out and have some fun.

So, he goes to a bar and orders a beer.

Then, out of the corner of his eye he sees a woman with a flat face.

He thinks,†Well, she wouldn't make fun of me because she would understand how I feel."

So, he finally gathers up the courage to talk to her, he goes over and asks her,

“Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?" And the woman answers,

“Would I!!!?

The man, obviously offended, screams, "flat face!!!" and storms out of the bar.

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m.

for any one under eighteen years of age.

He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted.

“Yes you can stay out as late as you want,

but the car is under eighteen and it has to be in the garage by eleven.†His father said.