Sonny

Love it.

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer.

He talked and talked and talked with the drummer,

but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said,

"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help,

they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks,

and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section:

"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Not at all.

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!

What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd

never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,

But the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a

particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a

couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to

spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"

the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?"

the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,

I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.. "Won't your wife be furious with you

for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man

looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."....

Hey Bob,

Happy Birthday. Hope it is all you want it to be. Thanks for all you do to help Casey make this the best C-130 site on the web.

Sonny

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday.

During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.

"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."

So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going.

The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says,

"I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen.

So sir what will it be?"

The guy grabs the microphone and says,

"Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in

spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put

up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The

town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not

acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High

Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives -

thumbs down again.

Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in

Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts

and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons -

forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Where do I send the money?

sonny.cook@yahoo.com

A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin.

These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill,

requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position.

After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training,

the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates.

The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman.

The men administering the test took the first candidate,

a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying,

"We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances.

Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair.

Take this gun and kill her."

The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife."

The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job.

Take your wife and go home."

They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions.

This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door.

However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying,

"I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it."

The CIA man said,

"Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job.

Take your wife and go home."

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said,

"We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances.

Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing.

One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued.

Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,

"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

When I came home from golfing today, the wife left a note on the fridge:

It's not working, gone to stay with my Mother. I can't take it anymore.

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold.

What the heck is she talking about?

The Chemistry teacher asked "What is the chemical formula for water?

The student answered "HIJKLMNO"!

The Teacher asked What are you talking about?

The student simply replied:"Yesterday you said the formula for water was H to O!"

A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting outside at a nudist colony.

The history professor asked: “Have you read Marx?

The psychology professor replied: “Yes. I think it’s from the wicker chairs.â€

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy! Good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome:

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who the #@&% did your hair?"

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,

"Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week".

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a "Thank You" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "Thank You" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

tinwhistle,

I was the same way. Loved the prep but scared to death in the real thing with a real pilot. I also had a real nice pilot who was thorough but at the same time created the perfect atmosphere. There were three of us getting run certified so maybe he wanted to get it over with. Might have been different if I was his only one.

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary.

During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish.

The wife wanted to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and poof --

the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.

Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said,

"I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me."

So the fairy picked up her wand and poof --

The husband was 90.

Jcapsparkchaser,

How nice of you to take your time to do this for the veterans. Glad you didn't have any trouble getting to the monuments as I know it meant a lot to them. Bless you.

Mo attends to a revival and listens to the sermon.

After a while, the pastor asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Mo gets in line and, when it’s his turn the pastor asks,

“Mo, what do you want me to pray about?†Mo says,

“Pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing.†So the pastor puts one finger in Mo’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays for a while.

He removes his hands and says,

“Mo how’s your hearing now?†Mo says,

“I don’t know pastor, it’s not until next Monday.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT,

"And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies,

"In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer enquires,

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays,

full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary,

and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies,

"Yeah, but you started it.

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'

'It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.'

'Oh, that would be wonderful,' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'

'Oh, thank you! Thank you,' cried the bunny in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me.' So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either an accountant, or possibly someone in senior management.'

That's great news.

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the news says,"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."The blonde starts crying and says to her husband while sobbing"That's horrible! So many men dying that way!" Confused the husband replies "Yes dear, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "So how many is a Brazilian?

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties, and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you'd better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. When the lion is about half way to her, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is agape. "I've never seen a display like that in my life!" he exclaims. He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."....