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Sonny

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Posts posted by Sonny

  1. The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

    You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he
    was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need.. A new suit.

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
    'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck..' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36. Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.

    The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'.....

    • Haha 1
  2. Useful Military Warnings:
     
    "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
    "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army
    "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
    "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
    "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
    "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
    "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
    "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
    "Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
    "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth
    "If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
    "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
    "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous
    "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit
    "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
    (And lastly)
    "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop
    • Haha 1
  3. Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
    The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
    "What do you mean?"
    "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
    "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.
    "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
    "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
    "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
    • Haha 1
  4. A photographer, who was also a confirmed atheist, decided to go into the woods to get photos of the fall foliage.
    It was a beautiful day....fall colors, birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.
    While snapping shots, the atheist heard a noise behind him, and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes. He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running....... and looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him. He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet, and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the atheist saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw...... and the atheist cried out, "Oh, God, no!"
    And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the atheist heard a booming voice say, "Young man. For years you doubted my very existence, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?"
    And the atheist thought for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, "Done."
    And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw.
    And the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, "Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat."
    • Haha 1
  5. For every problem, there is a neat, plain solution...and it is always wrong.
    For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.
    Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
    Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.
    Free time which unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted.
    Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.
    Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
    Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.
    Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.
    Geologists do not dress for success unless they are trying to convince others that they are going on interviews.
    Business one-liners 58:
    Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate.
    Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
    Go where the money is.
    Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
    Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
    Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know something.
    Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
    Great minds run in great circles.
    Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
    Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
  6. MODERN PROVERBS:
     
    a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
    b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
    c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
    d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
    f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
    g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
    h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious
    i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
    j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
    k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
    l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
    m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
    n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
    o.. Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.
    p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
    q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
    r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
    s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
    t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
    u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
    v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
    w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
    x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.
    y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
    z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
  7. I got these from my friend Mel Copeland:

     

    I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually we drifted apart.
     
    My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic.I refused. If I'm going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.
     
    A man tried to sell me a coffin today.  I told him, that's the last thing I need.
     
    The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs.  We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.
     
     
    100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.
    Oh how the stables have turned.
        

    My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."  "Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."  "No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker"  "I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes." 
     

    Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?      It was a Big McSteak. 
    • Haha 1
  8. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?"
    "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
    • Haha 1
  9.  
    IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
    AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
    IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
    AT WORK....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
    IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
    AT WORK....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
    IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
    AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
    IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
    AT WORK....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
    IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
    AT WORK....You have to share.
    IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
    AT WORK....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
    IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
    AT WORK....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
    IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
    AT WORK....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
    IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
    AT WORK....They are called supervisors.
    When I finally left my last place of work, it was just like being released from prison, as I was free to do whatever I wanted to.
  10. One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
    The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
    "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
    "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
    The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
    The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
    The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
    "He is a veterinarian," she answered.
    "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
    The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno"
    • Haha 1
  11. Business one-liners:
     
    A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
    A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.
    A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to put in his mouth.
    A penny saved has not been spent.
    A penny saved is an economic breakthrough.
    A penny saved is ridiculous.
    A problem cannot be solved using the same level of thinking that created it. (In other words, if you screw it up, you can't fix it.)
    A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and the real reason.
    A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
    A short line outside a building becomes a long line inside.
    Business one-liners 06:
    A stagnant science is at a standstill.
    A theory is better than its explanation.
    A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
    A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
    Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
    Ability is like a check, it has no value unless it is cashed.
    Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) - Stafford Beer
    According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
    According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
    Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.
  12. Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.
    “What’s up Bob?” asked the bartender… It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”
    “It’s my five year old son…” Bob replied.
    “Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically.
    “ I only wish it was that,” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant.”
    “Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.
    “It’s not,” said the man. "The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms.”
    • Haha 1
  13. Brain Cramps:
    Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
     
    "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
     
    "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti smoking campaign.
     
    "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
     
    "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
     
    "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
     
    "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
     
    "Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
     
    "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing! it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
     
    "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
     
    " It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President
     
    "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca
     
    "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
     
    "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
     
    "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
     
    "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
     
    "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
     
    "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery
    "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
    "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
    • Thanks 1
  14. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
     
    Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
     
    A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
     
    Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
     
    A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
     
    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
     
    A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
     
    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
     
    "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Doc says "It's Not Unusual."
     
    Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
     
    An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
     
    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really, really heavy."
     
    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
     
    I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
     
    I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
     
    What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
    • Like 1
  15. Words of wisdom from the corporate world.

    a.. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
    using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
    and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fredrick Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

    b.. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
    encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

    c.. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should
    be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat
    Company)

    d.. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
    important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United
    Parcel Service)

    e.. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.

    f.. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
    working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let
    you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

    g.. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that
    only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and
    she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell
    Computers)

    h.. "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing
    executive, Citrix Corporation)

    i.. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
    When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

    j.. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
    going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

    k.. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

    l.. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
    concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)

    m.. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo
    reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in
    one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one
    of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
    committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the
    executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I
    asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?)
    working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

    --
    He who hesitates is probably right.

  16. When we get older we think differently, don't we? This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind ..........especially if you are familiar with the elderly.

     

    Dear Kean Elementary,

     

    God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Springer Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always
    had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
    The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her
    distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she
    could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

     

    Thank you for that opportunity.

     

    Sincerely,

     

    Agnes

    • Haha 1
  17. Funny Signs:
     
     
    In a Japanese hotel room:
    "Please to bathe inside the tub."
     
    In a Tokyo Hotel:
    "Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do
    such thing is please not to read notis."
     
    Outside a country shop:
    "We buy junk and sell antiques."
     
    In a loan company window:
    "Now you can borrow enough money to get completely out of debt."
     
    In the window of a Travel Agency:
    "Please Go Away!"
     
    In a funeral parlor:
    "Ask about our layaway plan."
     
    In an ad for a swimwear store:
    "Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!"
     
    Advertisement at a gas station, between San Francisco and Los Angeles on
    Interstate 5:
    "Kids with gas eat free!"
     
    In a clothing store:
    "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
     
    In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
    "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
     
    In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
    "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
     
    At the dry cleaners:
    "We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."
     
    On a shopping mall marquee:
    "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"
     
    In a repair shop:
    "We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1."
     
    In a department store:
    "Stock up and save!
    Limit one per customer."
     
    In the window of an Oregon store:
    "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
     
    On a Tennessee highway:
    "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
     
    On an Atlantic City hotel restaurant:
    "Have your next affair here."
     
    In a Maine restaurant:
    "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
     
    On the grounds of a public school:
    "No trespassing without permission."
     
    On a radiator repair garage:
    "Best place to take a leak."
     
    In the vestry of a New England church:
    "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
     
    On a roller coaster:
    "Watch your head."
     
    Advertisement for lawn sprinkler system:
    "Dew it yourself."
     
    In a Laundromat::
    "Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."
     
    In front of a New Hampshire car wash:
    "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
  18. Amazing Golf Ball

    These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball."

    He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

    His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!"

    The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

    Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced.

    The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?"

    The man replies, "I found it."

  19. The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

    "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. A few moments passed.

    "An ambulance just drove by."

    A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike."

    A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving." "Jason is on his skate board."

    A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex."

    Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

    "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle too."

  20. Martha Stewart's Way Vs. My Way

    Martha's way #1:
    Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

    My way:
    Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for pete's sake, you are probably laying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. You know we don't have anything better to do.

    Martha's way #2:
    Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

    My way:
    Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

    Martha's way #3:
    To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

    My way:
    Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

    Martha's way #4:
    To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.

    My way:
    Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

    Martha's way #5:
    To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

    My way:
    Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

    Martha's way #6:
    To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet,simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

    My way:
    Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

    Martha's way #7:
    Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

    My way:
    Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

    Martha's way #8:
    When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

    My way:
    Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

    Martha's way #9:
    If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"

    My way:
    If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad.

    My motto:
    I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

    Martha's way #10:
    Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

    My way:
    Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
    Martha's way #11:
    Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

    My way:
    The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I just won't do it.

    Martha's way #12:
    Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

    My Way:
    Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

    Martha's way #13:
    When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

    My Way:
    The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
    Martha's way #14:
    To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

    My way:
    Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

    Martha's way #15:
    Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

    My way:
    Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

    Martha's way #16:
    Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

    My way:
    Who has left over wine? Never happens in this house.

    Martha's way #17:
    If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

    My way:
    Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

    Martha's way #18:
    Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

    My way:
    Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

    Martha's way #19:
    Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China. Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

    My way:
    Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

  21. Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

    Let's face it
    English is a stupid language.
    There is no egg in the eggplant
    No ham in the hamburger
    And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
    English muffins were not invented in England
    French fries were not invented in France.

    We sometimes take English for granted
    But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
    Quicksand takes you down slowly
    Boxing rings are square
    And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
    If the plural of tooth is teeth
    Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
    If the teacher taught,
    Why didn't the preacher praught.

    If a vegetarian eats vegetables
    What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
    Why do people recite at a play
    Yet play at a recital?
    Park on driveways and
    Drive on parkways

    You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
    Of a language where a house can burn up as
    It burns down
    And in which you fill in a form
    By filling it out
    And a bell is only heard once it goes!

    English was invented by people, not computers
    And it reflects the creativity of the human race
    (Which of course isn't a race at all)

    That is why
    When the stars are out they are visible
    But when the lights are out they are invisible
    And why it is that when I wind up my watch
    It starts
    But when I wind up this observation,
    It ends.

  22. Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

    "Yeah," says the other cowboy.

    "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

    Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

    "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

    The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

  23. Psychic Frog

    A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

    The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

    "No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class.

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