Sonny

The teacher wrote on the blackboard,

“I ain’t had no fun all summer.â€

“Now Paul,â€

she said.

“What shall I do to correct this?â€

“Get a boy friend.†Paul replied.

Two philosophers were sitting at a restaurant, discussing whether or not there was a difference between misfortune and disaster.

“There is most certainly a difference,†said one.

“If the cook suddenly died and we couldn’t have our dinner that would be a misfortune,

but certainly not a disaster.

On the other hand, if a cruise ship carrying the Congress was to sink in the middle of the ocean,

now that would be a disaster, but by no stretch of the imagination would it be a misfortune

[quote......

Now the washrack!!!! I was getting ready to ask if anybody on the forum had any experience with that wonderful place. Now I know at least you did!! Every time I made it to the wash-rack with 56-0475, it was raining and cold out and I can honestly say I have no fond memories of that place!!!

Ken

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says.

"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man.

"Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks

"Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."

Here is a picture of 63-7872. I was the Assistant Crew Chief on her in 1966-67 at McGuire (438 OMS)

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together.

One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath.

She puts one foot in and pauses.

"Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.

The 94-year-old hollers back,

"I don't know, I'll come up to see."

She starts up the stairs and stops.

She shouts,

"Was I going up or going down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says,

"I sure hope I never get that forgetful",

and knocks on wood for good measure.

Then she yells,

"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".

Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

A man shows up for his doctor's appointment with a piece of celery in each ear and a carrot in each of his nostrils.

He says to the doctor,

"Doc, I'm not feeling well."

Whereupon the doctor replied,

" Perhaps you're not eating right."

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says,

"By the way, what did the chicken do?"

CATHOLIC HORSES

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

A wife asks her husband: ''Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have eggs, get six.''

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.

The wife asks him: ''Why did you buy six cartons of milk?''

He replies: ''They had eggs.''

Look's like the other side of the base, next to the class six....

Never went to the other side of the base. Always stayed with my plane.

Correction, Never went to the other side of the base when I came to CRB with my plane. Did go to the other side when I was TDY right after I reported to Naha. Lived in the hootches. The bunker was just off the flight line where the A's were parked.

Sonny

Neat pic of the bunker Sonny, I sure didn't know about it in 69-70. What part of the F/L was it on? That was a big ramp at CRB. For some reason my bird was always parked on the far row near the taxiway fatherest from the crew chief shack. Bill

Bill,

To the best of my recollection, it was just off the edge of the flight line where they parked all the A's. Never went to the other side of the base, always slept on my plane to protect her from those midnight requisitioners. Once she was OR I awaited my flight crew and at night I closed all the doors and used tie down straps to keep them closed.

Sonny

Been thinking about the greatest adventure of my life lately (i.e. my time in Vietnam as a C-130 CC) and the question bubbled to the top....where did you guys go or hide when we had rocket attacks while you were on the flight line or your plane at Cam Rahn Bay? I don't remember ANY bunkers near the flight line. I know what I did when the rockets were coming in, which was to hug a piece of AGE equipment in the revetment and pray, but wondered about all the rest of the maint and flight crews who were caught on the flight line and what you did to try to protect yourselves. I know about the barracks, maint control and CC shack but what about on the open F/L. By the way that pic to the left of this post is me on my Herk 956 in the revetment at CRB sans bunkers ha ha. Bill

Here is a picture of a bunker just off the flight line at CRB. I took this picture in 1967.

Sonny

Bob,

Thanks, got mine, just a little slow letting you know.

Sonny

Air Force Christmas Party

TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS

I'm happy to inform you that the Squadron Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our Commander shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF

Executive Officer

December 2nd

TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish members. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to unit members who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF

Executive Officer

December 3rd

TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member in the Alcohol Rehabilitation Program requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads,"AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the junior airmen in the squadron feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF

Executive Officer

December 7th

TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS

I've arranged for members who are enrolled in the Air Force Weight Management Program (AFWMP) to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?

Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF

Executive Officer

December 9th

TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS

People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our Commander to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF

Executive Officer

December 10th

TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS

Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponics tomatoes.. But, you know,tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Witch from Hades

December 14th

TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Captain Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the Mental Health Clinic. In the meantime, I've decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off, instead.

Happy Holidays!

Ron Donaldson, Lt Col, USAF

Commander

Bob,

I would like a copy. Please send to [email protected]

Thanks,

Sonny

How to Interpret Performance Reports

Some of you might like to know what supervisors are really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations they keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to university.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED: Needs more to do.

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the arse.

WILL GO FAR: Related to management.

SHOULD GO FAR: Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 5 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION: (or anything else - just get him or her away from me!).

Real Sergeants

1. Can cuss for ten minutes without ever repeating a word.

2. Have a spine.

3. Can play a cherry Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument.

4. Can see in the Dark.

5. Have eyes in the back of their heads.

6. Still don't trust the Russians.

7. Still hate the French.

8. Don't know how to be politically correct.

9. Don't give a damn about being politically correct.

10. Think that "politically correct" should fall under S### in the UCMJ.

11. Love deployments because there is less paperwork and more "real work."

12. Can run 5 miles with a hangover.

13. Do not fear women in the military.

14. Would like to date G. I. Jane.

15. Still know how to use a buffer.

16. Can tell you anything you want to know about an M1911A1 although they are no longer in the inventory.

17. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.

18. Believe that "Nuts" wasn't all that Brigadier General McAuliffe said to the Germans at Bastogne.

19. Don't know how to use a "stress card".

20. Idolize John Wayne.

21. Don't believe that AAFES really needs a "commander".

22. Would have paid money to see Custer getting his clock cleaned.

23. Really don't like taking S### from those who haven't "been there".

24. Know how to properly construct a field latrine.

25. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their butts kicked. Twice.

26. Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably don't have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.

27. Don't believe a darn thing the Iraqis say

28. Don't need a GPS to find themselves.

29. Have enough BDU's in their closet to start a surplus store.

30. Think that MRE's taste good (with a little hot sauce).

31. Are convinced that "wall-to-wall" counseling really works.

32. Have more time on the front-line than most others have in the chow line.

33. Know how to make coffee when the measuring scoop goes missing.

34. Know that it's not good coffee when you can see through it

35. Don't blame poor marksmanship on their M-16.

36. Know that inept leaders will always say they have inept soldiers.

It's about time the AF got these kids a 130 that will even remotely look like the ones they will be working on when they get to their PCS base. At least they aren't using B-47's to train 130 mechanics on like when I and several guys on this site used in tech school. What a shocker it was to go straight to 130's after being trained on B-47's...now Giz THAT makes you feel old, ha ha. Bill:)

Bill,

I went to tech school at Chanute (Jet, Over Two Engines) and trained on B-52's. When I got to McGuire we kept going past all those nice looking C-135's and they dropped me off in front of this mole with wings and PROPS. I kept thinking there must be some mistake. I don't know anything about prop driven airplanes. Best thing that ever happened to me in the AF.

Sonny

It was an early MATS bird not Dyess.

Bob

She was at McGuire in '65-'66 (1611th/438th).

Sonny

Friendship ~ None of that Sissy Stuff

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound

good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cute little smiley faces on this ~Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad ~ I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue ~ I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile ~ I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared ~ I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're

not.

5. When you are worried ~ I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused ~ I will try to use only little words.

7. When you are sick ~ Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall ~ I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath ....I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask ~ because you are my friend.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you

can feel the true warmth.

Comedians' Best Lines

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'

--Larry Miller

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."

--Christopher Case

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

--Ellen DeGeneres

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"

--Jake Johansen

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

--Dick Cavett

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."

--A. Whitney Brown

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"

--Jon Stewart

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."

--Jack Mayberry

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."

--Bruce Baum

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."

--Jeff Stilson

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

--Sue Murphy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

--Rita Mae Brown

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

--Rita Rudner

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

--Jerry Seinfeld

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

--David Letterman

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."

--Jay Leno

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."

--Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"

--Jerry Seinfeld

Q. What's the difference between a man and E.T.?

A. E.T. phoned home.

Q. How do men get exercise at the beach?

A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?

A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q. Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners?

A. So men can understand them.

Q. How do women define a 50/50 relationship?

A. We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirty; We iron/ they wrinkle.

Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?

A. Government bonds mature.

Q. How are men like noodles?

A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?

A. When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?

A. A hot dog and a six pack.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Was he a Thai or a Nung? We had a lot of Nung guards at Ubon. They walked the perimeter right behind the Blind Bat hooch. One night infiltrators tried to attack the Blind Bat hooches but one of the Nungs managed to fire his shotgun when they were cutting his throat. However, Ubon was a RTAF base.

To be honest Sam, I really don't know. I assumed he was Thai. Didn't think to ask!

Sonny