Sonny

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.

It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
b. male...Playing any sport without a "cup."

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
a. female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
b. male...Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. BUTT (but) n.
a. female...The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
b. male...What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning.

5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
a. female...A desire to get married and raise a family.
b. male...Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. female...A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. male...Anything that can be done while drinking.

7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
a. female...An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
b. male...An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.

8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
a. female...The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
b. male...Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. female...A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. male...A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.

10. FOOTBALL (fut-bol) n.
a. female...An annoying 6 month long competition for a partner's attention.
b. male...6 months off from spending time with what's her name.

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

Fathers reply:
Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 50 minutes late: “It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two.”

The boss eyed him suspiciously, “Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?”

“I finally gave up,” he said, “and started for home.”

If you are from D.C. you'll understand these rules. If you are coming here, you'll learn these rules. If you are just going to visit, give up. Read, enjoy and then destroy them.

1) First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is D.C., or "the District". Only tourists call it Washington.

2) Next, if your road map of Montgomery County in Maryland is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If in Loudoun or Fairfax County, Virginia  and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete.

3) There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the BW (Baltimore-Washington) Parkway.

4) All directions start with "The Beltway"...whic­h has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an "inner" and 'outer loop' designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the Beltway.

5) The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.

6) If there is a ball game at the FedEx Field, there is no point in driving anywhere near PG County.

7) Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro or Fort Washington. They'll blow a vessel in their neck and go into a seizure.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at. If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 picture you will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages, none of
them English.)

9) Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers. Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the Giant for toilet paper and milk.

10) Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an "Interstate" but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick. (Unless you consider Montgomery County another state, which some do). Opening in the '60s, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a "Spur" section which is even more confusing.

11) All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Takoma Park or Greenbelt".

12) If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, a tourist. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. Heed the warning.

13) All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World.

14) Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don't ask why no one knows.

15) CENSORED

16) If you stop to ask directions in Southeast D.C... well, just don't.

17) A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks will cost you $16.75. (It's a zone thing, you wouldn't understand) (Oh, and if you are in DC and want to go to MD, don't tell them until you get in the car...they won't take you otherwise)

18) Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do and when you hit it, you will wonder why the section of this road called "the Mixing Bowl" is so named. After all, there is no mixing there, heck, there is no movement at all.

19) There is nothing more comforting than seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!!

20) The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

21) The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show. Strap up and collect points as you go.

22) The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting­ Marylander would ever be caught driving in the "slow" lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also.

23) The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official "chat" lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. Note: All mini-vans have priority clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in.

24) If it's 10 degrees, it's Orioles' opening day. If it's 110 degrees, it's the Skins opening day.

25) If the humidity is 90+ and the temperature is 90+, then it's May, June, July, August and sometimes September

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Now...

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget ! what comes next
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescription's, I have quite a few, just
give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year. I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I've kept twenty-six 'doctors' fully employed!!!

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Zorro?

"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."